children, jungles, wierdos and transvestites

dear diary,

im going to write about the way i feel tonight. Its been a nice day. We went to the local jungle gym (always good because you can just chat while your kids have fun) and i always like those places, with mothers and their children. The occasional awkward, yet, friendly looking father.

its so nice to feel normal sometimes, to feel like you're just like everyone else. Just another family with their children, trying to make sure that the children get the most out of their day. Of course, whilst also having to manage your own tiredness.. after all, its not good lying down on the couch when you get back, you have to get them to bed don't you!?

Tommorow im back on my own again, more work, but more attention from my daughters.. great!

anyway, what i really want to talk about is that im not sure how i feel about things right at this point in time. I've been arguing on an internet forum lately, and stubborn as i always have been, sooner or later, the weaker people, the mixed up and confused ones, always turn on me. What it is that i do, i don't know, nor do i care, but its an interesting sociological carachteristic.

what i want to talk about is how far i have come to understand the male rights movement in my time involved in it. I started out a few months ago, and now it feels like a lifetime later, i know alot more about it.

I've learned that the male rights movement, just like practically every other social movement, is a group of damaged individuals who unite against what they percieve as a common enemy, lately, me, but generally feminism, or to be honest, women.

The degree of damage varies. Some of them are just ordinary blokes, who've probably been involved in the wrong relationship, once or a few times. They feel upset, and hurt, and alone in their feelings. I think that they genuinely try and not blame all women for what has happend to them, but often fail, which i suppose, is human isn't it.

Underneath, i tend to like this type of person, and i feel that with just a little guidance in the right direction, they will be able to leave the hatred and bad feeling that is central to the male rights movement (MRM from now on) behind them. I don't really know how to help them, but i can try and i've always hoped that they will prove to me that what i beleive, that men do care, is true.

However, likewise to all movements of people, they are mixed up with, should i say 'infiltrated' by much more damaged people. People who were either born bad, or developed it pretty quickly. Men within the MRM who are like this, and men in general too, are normally fairly easy to spot. They have no ability to relate to the ordinary. Their entire world is based on abstract ideas of what they believe their enemy (me and, ultimately women) to be. They are scary people because they do not feel anything anymore. I've talked about franco and his lack of feeling, these are the same.

I suppose in evolutionary terms, they serve a purpose, what that is? don't know.. don't care.

the thing that worries me, is that they will lead astray the ordinary man, and fill him with their hatred, malice and agression. They are bad seeds, born with evil inside them.. they are the bullies at school, and they continue bullying throughout their life. They don't bully with their fists, they bully with their nose. They look down it. Nobody stands up to them. I got bullied badly at school, and i will never ever back down again to people who think do not have genuine intentions. I will say it to their face, and i will say it again and again and again. Im a stubborn old goat, and i can see them coming a mile away.

why do they hate us, women, so much? more importantly, why do they hate ordinary people so that they have to live in the abstract. They have to live in a world of ideas, and theories. I live in a world, of dirty nappies, smiles, tears and cuddles. Im happy, despite all my insecurities, fears and worries... I suspect, that they aren't.

one in particular really tried to have a go at me. Im pretty perceptive, and i suspected this one was a bit strange right from the beggining. He called me ugly and later, a transvestite, as if this part was somehow worse than the first. Well, i wish i was a transvestite, then i wouldn't have to worry about all the female insecurities that i have to face day in day out. I could just go whoosh! and they would all disapear and i could put on a football kit and have a game down pub with the lads. I bloody wish he was right.

Ugly? well, i've been called every name under the sun in my time, ugly isn't a frequent one. Its funny how people who daren't show their face, call other people names isn't it. Ugly? i suspect he's projecting himself outwardly. Im not scared of showing my face, i like it, i've always liked the way i look. I like the way other people look, when i think they are caring.

anyway, what most people call me, when they are being nasty to me, is crazy, or fruit cake. My parents call me selfish. Its funny, how different people can percieve the same person isnt it. Still, im not complaining, i reckon i look pretty dam good for my age, im not fat, im certainly not ugly, im married to someone that i think is god, and i have the most beautiful intellegent children i've ever seen (i would say that wouldn't i!). Every good parent thinks that, im sure.

anyone who has found happiness, and companionship. anyone who has had children can understand what i am talking about. The people that live in the abstract.. well, let them get on with it, they can take their abstract and give it a cuddle when nobody comes to bed with them. when they feel alone they can feel proud of how intellegent they are. They can talk about their theories to the empty seat at the dinner table. When they feel like they are good looking they can look in the mirror and remind themselves of it. Nobody else cares, nobody else is around to care.

anyway, i continue to learn more about this movement, one day i suppose i will write a book on it. I'll stick my ugly transvestite picture on the back!

im sure it'll sell 1000 times better!

men are just so logical, aren't they!

why do i keep hearing this statement from different areas of the male rights movement??

men are logical and women are emotional and illogical...

so, men are logical are they?

men are so logical that they hijack aeroplanes and fly them into buildings to kill as many innocent people as possible don't they?

men are so logical that they get married to a woman who steels their kids and all their money don't they?

yes, its male logic that makes them drive too fast and therefore the unsafest drivers with highest insurance premiums isnt it?

and, of course, its male logic that makes them pick up a gun and go and fight a war in a foriegn country based on a male politicians 'logical' lies right?

oh yeah but then theres male logic in action when they eat so much they weight half of a ton.

male logic in action!

hey, but wait lets look at the serial killer ted bundy who used to strangle his female victims. He got frazzled in the electric chair... wow, i have to hand it to you guys, your just so logical!!

but, then if thats your idea of logic, well, you're welcome to it xxx

of course, women, were not logical are we. When we are being intimidated by men, instead of arguing we become illogical to avoid the situation don't we. So, illogical isnt it, to run away from a bully..

were so illogical that we commit far less violent crime, bring up far more human beings and have a far lower rate of heart attacks because, obviously, we cant handle the stress we've caused ourselves..

yes female emotional responses are completely illogical aren't they.. we don't have to have sex with the next man down the street, we generally keep ourselves clean and we created a movement called feminism to stand up for ourselves as a group.

yes, we're just so emotional and illogical, and you men.. you are just so logical.

the thing is, men, (i'll treat you as a group, because clearly, men, are a no more than a group of logical thinkers..)

the thing is, that you don't realise, that its your logic not ours.

are we learning yet?

to all the men in my life...

you never argue, you storm out
you are terrified of arguing in public
you always want to save face, in front of your friends

why do you do this?

what is it that you are scared of, and why is it that you never let me know?










what is it that your protecting me from? you know.. i never asked you for it...

what is it that is so scary that you cannot look at me and tell me?

España

dear diary,

how do i start writing this? well i suppose i'm going to write down what i've experienced, thought about and felt over the last 4 weeks.

my partner A. and i spend alot of our time travelling between countries, we work in Britain and whenever we get holidays we've always gone back to Spain.

A. is from there, yes i'm married to a spaniard, or 'spanish' as A. would prefer i called him as he hates the word spaniard. I suppose its not that nice a word is it? Both my daughters have dual nationality so A. is trying hard to make sure that they get an upbringing that reflects both their family origins, both spanish and from planet neptune.

i always respected that, in fact, i encouraged it, i always liked going to Spain and as a sociologist i was fascinated by its people, culture and history.

Spain has a unique modern history to that of the rest of western europe. It never took part in the second world war and the spanish base most of their recent identity on the result of the spanish civil war, won by Franco in 1938, shortly before the break out of the second world war.

Prior to Franco's victory Spain had for the first time elected a reformist left-wing government popular with the people. Franco's uprising crushed spains elected government and set up a dictatorship.

Franco was a small awkward looking man, and i suspect alot of his ideology was based around his own inability to compete with better looking men. He outlawed public shows of affection, as he had never got any when young? his wife stayed with him for the duration of his premiership, but his daughter was always rumoured to be adopted and i have suspicions that Franco just couldn't get it up. He hated people who had healthy sex lives.

In fact, wasn't hitler much the same? a slightly strange looking man (not THAT small though, which is a common misconception, hitler was actually around 5'9" so pretty average for a man of his generation). The only woman hitler ever really let himself desire was his neice Geli, and she commited suicide. Eva Brown was around for along time but did they really love each other? i doubt it. Hitler couldn't love anyone, neither could Franco, thats why they ended up the way they did.

Both had strange fantasy ideas about what women should be, innocent, beautiful and compliant. Hardly reality is it. I think they both wanted to control women and they failed.

anyway, Spain is probably due to Franco's repressive regime, a very conformist place, and although the young generations are slowly moving away from the past, when you walk down the main street in Santander, you would do well to spot a single old woman in trousers, or a single old man who was not wearing a chequed shirt and chinos. They all look the same, i suppose they were taught that when they were young, and nobody has ever stood up against it. Wierdos from planet neptune don't really fit in very well in spain.

This type of repression, freedom of expression, is perhaps only marginally better than the muslim world and i think spending a lifetime conforming to Franco's bitter ideas, has led to many feelings of bitterness and resentment amongst the old generation in Spain. Old people in Santander STARE at you. They look at you like you are filth if you are not wearing what they think is correct. I can think of 5 or 6 seperate occasions over the last month when that has happend to me. It's very intimidating, and if you come from a country where its considered rude to stare (britain) and combine that with lots of insecurity complexes and general low self esteem (me) it can really take some getting over. Yeah i've felt like total shit on many occasions there.

A. says that this is normal and you get used to it when you are born there. I can't get used to people staring nastily at me. Its horrible and it makes me feel like i am worthless. Its so hard to look them back in the eye, and im the type of person that avoids peoples stares when i can.

there are things i like about spain, but this isn't one of them.

Feminism hasn't yet hit Spain and as a young(ish) woman you have to be careful not to let them get to you. Some men in spain, especially older men, think it is their god given right to make you feel like shit. Its not just older men though, younger men have a very low opinion of women, i was out walking one night and it was a nice evening, one of those when it's warm and you can hear crickets singing in the background, when two young guys walk past me, stare at me and one of them whispers something to the other and they both laugh. They then walk on and shout something at a young girl across the road. Morons, they like feeling powerful by making women feel afraid and scared.

The only irony is that if you knew anything about Spain, you'd think these two guys were the typical spanish moron, who next week will be in the obituaries column of the local paper, having died in a motorcycle accident, crushed under some car somewhere, driven by another gilipollas as if he was fernando alonso in a residential area full of children playing. Macho man is alive and well in spain, and he will mow you down if you don't get out of his way.

they are so clever aren't they? until they are dead of course..

Spain needs some kind of feminine resistance to this, how far it goes is something that needs to be watched. Macho man in spain needs a leash putting round his neck.

I am aware of the evils of feminism in Britain, and english men are sometimes so ridiculously feminised, but something has to be done in Spain. Feminists are scary, but they normally aren't behind the wheel of a 10 ton truck trying to mow you down as you drive down the autopista.

the thought of how bad it must be in the muslim world is even more scary, but then who cares.. im not going to live in tehran anytime soon i hope.

i would complain wouldn't i though? im a woman and i dont understand that men are 'slaves to testosterone' do i? hahaha i dont care, it doesn't give you the right to ruin my life does it.

thats what i was told by a friend of my fathers recently, that men are 'slaves to testosterone'!

yeah, thats probably why he has 5 kids to 3 different mothers. such a slave isn't he.

anyway,

im pleased to be back for now, and my hair always looks much better in england. It gets so greasy in spain and looks like i've been licked and spat out by a cow.

oh yeah and i've lost 1kg! that has to be good news.