Wednesday 26 September 2007

crash!

i had a minor car accident on monday. I've never had one before and so its a bit of a strange experience.

what happend was i was trying to turn right, and i couldn't see anything because there were two parked cars blocking the view. I looked right, looked left and then just as i was looking right again, a motorcycle appeared out of knowhere. I stopped the car, i'd hardly pulled out at all and i remember thinking.. wow that was close.

but then, he slowed down but his bike started wobbling all over the place and he eventually crashed right into the front of our car (my dads fancy car). I remember watching him getting closer and closer and thinking, what is he doing?!

then when he smashed i thought you idiot!

but what happend next? two people ran to him and one offered to be his witness? they were asking him if he was ok, nobody looked at me.

they pushed his bike up and then the first thing he did was ask a nearby woman to be his witness.

i was still in a bit of shock, but i got out of the car and asked him if he was ok. No answer. We swapped details and he drove off. My kids were in the back of the car and by now were getting anxious. He never bothered asking us how we were.

What did this do to me? it made me think i was responsible, that i had been at fault. I started getting nervous, anxious and worried. I've never crashed before and im a safe driver. I kept blaming the parked cars, and not him.

anyway. the point is, that a few days later having seen the evidence, that his motorcycle crashed into the front of our car, and not the side, it means its impossible that i had pulled out too far. He would have hit the side of our car, not the front.

with this evidence, i started to think, actually.. he wasn't wobbling, he was out of control. Any suitable driver would NEVER have crashed into me. He was going to fast around a blind corner and he couldn't control his vehicle. Imagine if a kid had pulled out in front of him, what then?

Im pretty upset, because he pretended his leg was hurt and everyone ran to him. Yet his leg wasn't hurt enough to go running to find his witness was it. His leg wasn't hurt enough for him not to just get up on his bike and zoom of again. He faked it, and we all fell for it. He got all the sympathy and witnesses on his side. Clearly, i was dealing with an experienced crasher!

and yet, the evidence shows that it was clearly his fault. Is there something wrong with me?, that when i crashed i was actually concerned that everyone was ok? he only appeared concerned with winning his court case which will im sure be fought out. Why did everyone take his side, when he was at fault?

you know why? because in life, people like him, have made decent people into losers. People like him are actors, people who manipulate situations in their favour. He even manipulated me into thinking it was my fault.

My dad assured me that its not physically possible for it to have been my fault. I never once felt guilty, not until he pretended to be injured and people ran to him asking if he was ok.

One minute i was thinking, 'you bloody moron!' the next i was thinking 'oh my god, what have i done!'.. what had changed my attitude so completely?? he had manipulated me by pretending to be injured, pretending to be the victim, when it was his fault. Its scary isn't it.

anyway neither of us were hurt, nor my kids (who he never even knew where in the car, he didn't care about us at all).

maybe what i should have done is jumped out the car, and started screaming. Saying 'oh my god why did you run into my car?'... 'why were you driving so fast around a blind corner?!', .. 'i have kids here'.. maybe if i'd lied and made up how much i was damaged and manipulated the situation, i might be in a better position now. Maybe i wouldn't have to sit here and write down why i feel so upset?

maybe if i was a worse person, a nastier person who doesn't care, maybe i'd be ok..

road accidents apparently show the true face of people.. there are those that care, and there are those that care about themselves, i mean, what other conclusion can i possibly draw from that?

maybe i should stop drawing conclusions and start looking after myself properly? perhaps thats the lesson i need to learn.

actually, having thought about it the real morale of the story is if you crash with a motorcycle, be careful, because even if its their fault, they are going to seem like the victim. Make sure you photograph everything that happens.

Wednesday 19 September 2007

Aint life wierd eh?









dear diary

i sometimes feel like my life is empty. Its not like a real thing, its just a feeling i get inside, in my stomach and it goes right up to my heart. Sometimes i wonder if my heart will just stop beating because i don't have the energy to keep it going.
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i felt like that last night, and i don't know where to turn. I can give my partner a cuddle, but the feeling of emptyness doesn't go away. I love him, i love him so much, love, is when you care. Its not about sex, or kissing, or going out to restaurantes. Thats something else isnt it?
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Sometimes im really amazed by the things people do in life. You turn on the television and you see adverts, and programs, all about the excitement of life, the things that happen. I never felt part of it. Its like a big party thats going on around you that you cannot touch.
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In my life i've found very few things that actually make me happy and smile. When my daughters call me, the sound of their voice makes me feel like im needed, like i do have a part in that party that is going on around me. I can be intimate with them without fear of agression. I suppose the relationship changes over time but i love being a mother, its the best thing i ever found in life.

There are also certain sexual encounters when suddenly felt alive, like suddenly there is a world going on inside me. I've spent far too long in my life trying to find that kind of situation. It always relates to me trying to be this perfect woman, and when i look in the mirror i am reminded of how far away from it i am.

Sex is like that, its something you spend your whole life thinking is so important, but you then spend your whole life trying to be something your not. That first sexual encounter, when you feel turned on for the first time. It leaves an imprint in your mind and can consume your whole life trying to find it again. Why else do we have plastic surgery, endless diets and the rest? We are looking for something that's already happend. I guess we'll never find it again.
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That feeling of emptyness inside is why i argue, its why i cry and why i spend hours in front of a mirror making sure every single hair is in the right place. Im running away from it, im hiding and pretending that there is something more to life than emptyness.
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There isn't is there? I fill it with red bull, with internet forums, arguements, clothes, hairstyles, music, travelling and languages. Im running away from it, just like i did from school when i was young.
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When my mum left me at school when i was 6 i looked around and i saw faces that i didn't recognise, people talking to me about things i didn't understand, rooms that i did not know, children laughing, while i felt terrified. I just ran, i just felt like i couldn't stay there. I suppose i spend alot of my life feeling like that. She never used to pick me up from school. I remember leaving and watching everyone elses mothers smiling at them, i just had to walk home alone. There was a tree at the bottom of the road and i used to pretend it was her.. everytime i walked home from school, i wished that tree would turn into my mum, but it never did.
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Then, when i was bullied by a group of people at secondary school, i lost my trust in people. I still haven't got that back, and i still see the bullies everywhere i go. Different faces, different names, but the same face, the same feeling of vulnerability. I'm scared of people. Still, i guess that nobody knows that, apart from me.
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When i go in to teach classes, i smile and pretend to be a really nice person, a good teacher. The truth is that i don't feel comfortable. I hate being looked at, i hate attention. I don't really know why im a teacher, but if i do nothing i just look in the mirror and end up wanting to slit my wrists.
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At least since i had children, i now feel like my life has meant something. I suppose this is what im saying, that watching something grow, caring and giving everything you can to someone that you love, is the only real answer to that emptyness. Isn't it funny that cleaning poo out of a potty, is actually what makes me happy. Life is full of little contradictions like that. Aint it wierd eh?

Tuesday 11 September 2007

love from fruit cake

i left a mens rights forum behind me a week or so ago. I went in there thinking i was mad, like i was a fruit cake. I came out thinking i was normal and they were the fruit cakes..

so i've lifted off the sea and took to the skies!

I never went back there but after talking to D, who i've grown really friendly with from the forum, i went back there and did a search on the thing he said as i enjoy reading his comments. I was amazed to find that there was lots of posts refering to me and even a thread written about me there, this is the link..

http://antimisandry.com/lucia_vega-t7244.html?t=7244

aparently i have the moral depth of a pool of urine! no idea what that means. I dont really understand his post, but hey.. any publicity is good publicity!

everyone at that place always called me thick, stupid, un-intellegent and a feminist... later on ugly and a transvestite, but anyway..

if im so stupid and everything, why are you writing a thread about me? I think people there hated me so much because i represented an opinion that they had not thought about properly.

Still, there you go.

the thing is, that they go on about how awful women are, and that we are emotional and blah de blah blah, but, i did want to help them during my time there. I think they are going to miss me, im happy they haven't forgotten me. Im like the girl that took their virginity away from them. You never forget the first one...

one day some of them will think about me, and suddenly understand what i was saying. Others will forget about me just like you forget about picking up the mail when it comes through the door in the morning.

I suppose, in a funny way, i'll miss them too and i did learn somethings about myself. Thanks guys, for making me feel normal again..

lifes pretty short isn't it.

love fruit cake.

oh yeah and ps. i have a message board now so if you want to continue to slag me off, or you need to talk to someone who cares.. then the address is..

http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi

Thursday 6 September 2007

running, ducks and waiting for a resolution..


im in one of those moods tonight, where you feel like your leaving something behind, like the sun is setting on a part of your life and you haven't yet found anything to put in its place? its like you are faced with the empty reality of life once again and you need something quickly to distract you?


i've changed alot today. isn't it funny how you can go years without changing and then overnight you are a different person?


you know, its been a nice day today, A. goes out in the morning, so i'm left with the kids until 12:30. We went down to the river to feed the ducks, its really nice down there early in the day, not many people around, everyone smiles at each other. Im starting to really enjoy parenting. Its the best thing about my life by along way and i don't know how i lived with out it.

However, it got a bit scary because N. and L. can't throw very far so alot of the bread ended up landing on the shore and meant the swans came to get it. Their such big animals aren't they and we had to move on before they gobbled us up along with the bread.

So anyway, i get back home and they want some crisps (i'd used it as a bribe to get them out of the park as i was getting bored). So i give them crisps. Next they want some toasties.. im thinking, well, you've had crisp now you want toast and jam? you only had breakfast 2 hours ago. You're gonna get fat so i had to say no.. tears results! anyway, its a usual morning for me.

Then we go to pick up A. in the car, as he's walked in earlier and he's arranged to meet a friend. I get a bit of free time as the twins are with my mum and i decided to go for a run. I got my pants on, threw on a navy green vest and of i go..

running has always been one of my favourite past times. When you're out there, the only thing you have to worry about is keeping going. All the problems of life disapear for a while and its like an escape. Its nice out running mid week, nobody around, the odd fisherman here or there. Everyone smiles at me and i smile back.
nearly an hour later i get back and im exhausted. So i decide to clean the floor. Its full of orange juice and mixed in with all the dirt trodden in from the back garden. Then i have a bath, shave my armpits and go to pick up the twins.

we get home and we're all tired, L. wants to use my legs as a slide, well.. ok. but it hurts doesn't it.

of to bed go the twins, i manage to creep out without L. telling me to 'sit there'. Its always L, i think N is like her father and sleeps like a rock. (why did i say that! she's just woken up.. oh well better finish of quickly)

so here i am, looking for a new direction, writing here in my blog, and waiting for some kind of idea to sweep me away into another world to discover... (after i've gone upstairs and settled N. down that is!)

Tuesday 4 September 2007

my last post on the mens movement.



this is supposed to be my final post on the freak show....oops i mean the mens movement. I feel like its time to move on to find something else to interest me..

i've been involved in two forums, and the truth is, i don't feel like i've come across more than 2 or 3 people who are involved in productive relationships with the opposite sex. The people involved in these forums are mostly life's losers and they want revenge. Just like the radical feminists before them, some may eventually move on, others, are intent on destruction. All are unhappy and all hate women.

its quite interesting to look at the contradictions within their stories..

when i went out on sunday with A. and my daughters to the local festival, all i saw were families, dads and mums, kids playing. Its all normal isn't it. We are normal aren't we..

Then, when i go to work, i teach lots of men languages, and they smile, take part and generally enjoy themselves, and yet..

when i enter in a mens rights forum, all i hear is sob stories about how they've been abused by this that or the other. How hard they have it, how awful women are. All i hear are insults, aggression and nastyness towards me.

men in reality like me, men in mens rights forums hate me. Interesting isn't it, how desperate people, normally have to drag others down to their level.

you know, whenever i go down to the local supermarket, i see well dressed, handsome young men, and yet..

when i enter in a mens rights forum all i hear are men who probably don't brush their teeth or cant even wipe their bum properly. Its not womens fault you are ugly and you stink. (of course there is one exception, i hope he knows who he is, his name begins with D and...)

most women want to have loving relationships with people who understand us, not with people who cannot tolerate us. Thats why these men are all alone, intolerance. They are intolerant of women, and they use 'male rights' as an excuse to put forward their real agenda...

why is it, that if i am so clever, and so brilliant, why does nobody love me? Why am i alone and yet all these entitlement fruit cake princess women are not.

yes thats the question you have to ask yourself macho man, and the answer is pretty simple.. its because you are thick, and intolerant, and you are not a woman and you are not capable of understanding a woman. You cannot understand love, you can only understand dominance. You define reality through agression, not through caring. You are a loser and feminism destroyed you 50 years ago.

your only understanding of relationships is one of break down and pain. If i was married to one of you, i would escape with my children too..

yes, its your male ego, not women, that has destroyed any chance you have of happiness. Well, tough shit. I don't care anymore. You're the losers, and im bored of you.

and always remember..

for every screw up in the mens movement, there are 50 involved in normal productive relationships with western women. I, just like most women i know, believe in the majority of men, not the extremist freaks like you..

and before you tell me about how some women are involved in the mens movement, just to add..

for every screw up woman in the mens movement, there are 500,000,000 who are happily getting on with their lives thanks to feminism and the women who put themselves on the line for us in the past. we are normality, and you are..well.. freaks?

i feel like its time to finish here. Its upto you, men, you either listen to women, like me, who are the majority in reality, but the small minority in your world, and move on and maybe learn something new..

or you listen to macho man, at home in his anonymous forum. Laugh with him while he insults women, but become afraid to show your face, an outcast in reality. While he consumes your soul bit by bit you will end up like him, bitter, lost and lonely. You'll even say you don't believe in relationships anymore.

its upto you but im bored and its time for me to move on.