dear diary, here is another chapter in my relationship with my mother. I argue with her all the time, but yesterday, something kinda made sense to me!
i was on my own yesterday my partner had just got back from madrid and had not really slept in 3 days so i had to do something alone with my two 3 year old daughters..
so silly me, i rang my mum up because she normally looks after my two nephews on monday because my sister is working, and her man (not married) is working in london for a months. My daughters get on well with my nephews so it makes things easier sometimes the days can be very long.
anyway, im feel like im quite a dosile person, im pretty dull really, totally the opposite of my mother and my sister.. i mean i like kids but i get tired all the time, and all the cutting and sticking activities that most mothers get involved with give me a headache.. i just see the hoovering up afterwards, and find it difficult to enjoy the activity... I always felt like there was something missing in me, but yesterday i kinda realised that its actually the other way round?
there is a hill near where i live that goes down onto some sports fields and J. my oldest nephew starts running down.. he trips and lands on his chin, meanwhile his body continues and just before it gets to the point where it would have snapped his neck, it stopped. i mean, he was very close to being killed.. my mother was not looking after him. Nobody has obviously EVER told him to be careful. They dont care. His dad is never there, his mother is a bossy bitch who is only happy with him while he does as he is told, to suit her.. my mother is the same.
so what happens? i said to him, j. you know, you nearly killed yourself then (hes only 3).. and my mum jumps in saying,
'don't tell him that stop being stupid'
so i shut up? and i spent the whole of the rest of the day feeling upset but i didnt know why? then suddenly i got home and it all became clear to me!! its that she's trying to cover up the parts that she doesn't like about herself. She is a useless person when it comes to looking out for the safety of children.. its so bad that sometimes i think that doesn't care about his well being at all!? she only cares about being seen as mrs perfect grandmother! is that what is going on?
when i tell J. that he needs to look after himself, its more important to my mother that what happend is swept under the carpet, than that J. actually learns something? Thats why i was upset allday.. because i cared about him and i was horrified by what happend..
J's father is never there, and has no interest in children. Who is going to teach him? Once his father (my brother-in-law in name, not in marriage) drove all the way round to my house, just so i could change J's nappy!
meanwhile, my sister is the same as my mum, while everyone is celebrating how wonderful she is, everything is fine, but if anyone says anything against her its a whole big tantrum and strop, where everyone takes her side and makes it look like you are at fault.
so, why does she treat me like the ugly unwanted annoying daughter who is a constant irritation? i think its because my mum had an affair with a man, who she loved and her love child was my sister.. then she married my dad (mangina) and had me to make sure of his income for the rest of her life. Meanwhile my dad has had 2 heart attacks in his early 60's and nearly died last week. Now he's got a pacemaker fitted.
anyway, what i realised, is that despite all the super mum activities both her and my sister do, the sticking, play dough, stuff that really gets on my nerves.. and all the crap mum ones i do, the truth is, when their children are about to kill themselves, they dont want to know.. it might make them look like bad? Their egos are more important, than their childrens welfare..
isn't it interesting?
i feel really good about that.. i learnt that i can do somethings well yesterday, and so did my nephew!
