webcams, being middle class, and looking like an old hag..

dear diary, time to write something new isnt it?
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well i've been away on holiday, it was 20 degrees (celsius NOT farenheit!!!) but i had to cope with in-laws traditional christmas fighting so just about came of even in the end. You know, when im away, i really miss my computer. I've become very attached to it, i was thinking while i was away.. my best friends these days tend to be random people on the internet, and you know what??
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i dont think im ashamed of that anymore.. should i be ashamed of that? i mean, you're not real people, are you? are you???
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im probably an anti-social type. I feel comfortable when i don't have to talk to anyone, when i don't have to portray any stupid image of the latest fashion in being a normal human being.
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along time ago, my mother spent most of my early years reminding me of this while she kept up with the jones's at her oh-so-middle class dinner parties. 'Well hello' they would say to me, not quite looking me in the eye.. 'how are things, how is life!?' and 'hows school!' sipping their wine, looking awkwardly like they weren't somehow real people...
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bloody hell, i dont know, im 10 years old! did you know that?? i want to run upstairs and cry. i cant really tell them that schools horrible can i? or that they bully me because im fat? they dont really want to know do they? or at least, they dont want to feel awkward in front of the Joneses.

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i suppose the answer to all this is to never trust anyone who asks you questions without looking in your eye. you can be nice to them, but something is not as it seems, is it?
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so, that was how i felt. I was always made to feel guilty for being anti-social. Like there was something wrong with me. Well you know what? there are lots of things wrong with me, but i dont care anymore, im a bloody wierdo, so shove that up your bum along with the wine, the pesto and the sun dried tomatoes..

anyway, 1980's middle class dinner parties apart, recently i've become addicted to this horribly addictive and frankly, narcisistic new invention known as webcam. I sit in front of it, and suddenly tens and hundreds of random people want to know about me. Yes me.. is this what being well known is like?
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Some can speak english, others try but fail. They can construct sentences with the word tits in it, but thats as far as they go. Normally arabs.
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occasionally you meet more interesting people and they actually make me feel attractive for the brief period that im there, and believe me, that is a bloody hard thing to do.. sometimes i fancy them. Its always annoying, because you can't touch people on webcam... then i go back to reality, where i generally feel like an ugly old hag. I spend most of my days wondering how i can be so ugly and nobody else can really see it. I suppose its called being a woman isnt it? or maybe its just about being me.. anyway, webcam is almost becoming preferable to real life. That has to be wrong doesn't it?
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i suppose it must be really funny watching what people get upto behind closed doors. Staring at me in my dirty pyjamas. Its funny, they dont know that their dirty!
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On webcam they call me pretty, sexy and lot of other things that make me feel as if somehow i was something special. It never happens to me in real life. What it is that i do on there, that i don't do in real life? perhaps in real life they can see that my pyjamas are dirty? perhaps they see the bags under my eyes.. who knows? perhaps men are afraid to say nice things to me in real life. i dont know. Maybe they are lying, but what for? its not like there going to get anything from me is it? i mean, im 1000s of miles away. I even get women admirers. They bug me and never go away.
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i think that on webcam, i become a different personality, someone who has lots more confidence and doesn't get hurt as easily as she should. I mean, on the internet, i don't care if people call me names, or get into arguements with me really. Thats the not the same as real life is it? in real life it hurts doesnt it? on the internet it doesnt hurt so much.
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i suppose most people on there are guys. I dont really have any competition. I guess the answer, is just to get rid of all the other women in the world, and then real life will get a bit better for me?
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oh well.. maybe i should just become middle class and ask my friends kids how school is...

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perhaps the real meaning of the internet is that you can make friends and talk about things that in real life, are just too difficult. Perhaps webcam is somewhere you can feel the emotions that you don't let yourself feel in real life, eh?

angry woman!

i was quite appalled today.

why?

because i went to drop my children of at the local nursery. There was some kind of stall that was giving away little nicki-nacky kids things so i had a look.

a lady confronts me, and gives me a questionaire, basically asking if i was suffering from, or, if i knew anyone who was suffering from domestic violence.

its appalling, my partner knows the people at this nursery and he drops them of as often as i do. Yet, while he's not there, like the true cowards they are, they ask me in so many words, if he is guilty of beating me up. You know, i have standards, and this was disgusting.

who the hell do these people think they are? seriously, who are they? they think they know better than my own relationship with my husband? how dare they try and stick their nose in MY relationship!

all around were posters saying 'does he make you feel small?' - isn't domestic violence a unisex subject? aparently not. I normally ignore this kind of thing, but you could replace the he with blacks, whites, and suddenly it would become wrong wouldn't it? I can see that. Im not an airheaded sheep.

you know what, this is a sure start, state run nursery, its a kids place. They are encouraging women to snitch on their unsuspecting husbands. I have to say im horrified by it. Im starting to worry about what other propanganda they are trying to put in my kids heads..

i feel like the sad truth is, that these people rarely find anyone who is actually suffering from domestic violence, they just construct witch-hunts against innocent and decent caring men who can't control themselves socially very well. I've seen how men act, in situations like this. They cower away in the corner.

enough is enough. I've always said i would stand up for decent family men, and i am absolutely disgusted by this.

you know, i think domestic violence is appalling, but i also think that air headed people trying to destroy family relationships at a local nursery, is just as appalling. There was another man there, he often drops of his kids. Nobody gave him anything, nobody gave him any information, or nicky-nacks. He was isolated, left alone. I felt sorry for him, but i felt more angry at the way these people thought that i was more interested in them, than in my husband.. that i would snitch on him, for their cause?

the only question is, what do i do about it? how do i support my man in such a hostile situation?

and how do men cope with this kind of situation, and why dont they start standing up for themselves? perhaps i was wrong about machoman. Im starting to like him.

or maybe they deserve it for letting things get into this state..

wow i really am going from one extreme to another!

im a roller coaster

feminism, bouvet island, the outback and poor little penguins!

i've become really interested in geography lately, there is so much in the world that i dont know about. We downloaded google earth, isnt that amazing! you can even see our little terraced red brick house on it!

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anyway, a friend of mine, K., just got back from australia and she says that she wants to drive across the continent, apparently there is a road right through the middle..

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so, i got on google earth, found the road and did the journey myself! it only took five minutes though..

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isn't australia a strange place, its like 1000's of miles of orange sand, with some bushes, and then this lonely little road going all the way through the middle.

it got me thinking, how lonely some places in the world are. Apparently the most remote island in the world is called bouvet island. I guess its pronounced in a french way, like "boo-vey"? Its like an iceberg with an anchor!!

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apparently, its so far away that the nearest place is antarctica and that has no people living there either? There is a thread now about it in my forum:

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http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi?board=geography&action=display&thread=1192634786

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anyway, this is my solution to the gender problem.

get all the MRA's and radical feminists, put them in a big wooden pirate ship and make them row all the way to bouvet island, and then make them stay there for ever and ever and ever!! Maybe they will evolve into penguins!!?

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i bet they'd end up having sex with each other!! hypocrites eh?

harriet harman, tactics, the devil and wearing prada

men do need rights?

over the last two or three months, i have been lost in thought about this thing called 'mens movement'

i started of by trying to understand my own interests in it, and where was it going to go?

i still dont really know the answer to that, but what i have learned about men who are within this movement, is that they do have a nice sense of comradery. The thing that worries me is that is it is based mostly on misunderstanding the female gender.

clearly there are things that they are distressed about. It is totally wrong that a feminist should have a voice, and not a man against her.

labour just elected harriet harman as vice president - i think she is a airheaded bitch with a chip on her shoulder because she's been victimised as a woman!

what a contradiction? second in charge of the country - and victimised as a woman. Wow amazing.

she's going to try and destroy families even more. She's gonna try and make even more women feel the self obsessed pain that she feels. One day, harriet, you'll grow up. i promise you.

maybe i should just start spouting out femo propaganda too, maybe i'll become super woman as well. I hope not. because sorry harriet, but i've got more class in my little finger than you have in your entire body..

I've decided for the moment that i am going to be a tom boy. With it has come a new sense of identity. how long will it last i dont know, but im going to enjoy it.

i know that i will never be accepted into the mens movement, as a woman who thinks for herself, its not possible. I have come to that conclusion, i hope one day i will find out im wrong but im not convinced. I cant argue like them, god knows i've tried. It feels wrong. I love men because they have different talents to me. I hope one day they might feel the same, but hey, c'est la vie..

so at the moment im thinking.. fuck women, and fuck men. I've had enough of all of you. Get fucked.

I dont think i've ever really been nasty to a man in my life, but then i would say that. I've always been fascinated by things i didnt understand properly, but i think most people are the opposite. They are intolerant of things they dont understand - so, feminists hate men because they fear them.

anyway yesterday i watched 'the devil wears prada' and i think it is quite a symbol of changing times. Its message is not one of female superiority, but one of warning. I think women are starting to get the idea, that they are not anything special, and they will fall down the same path as selfish men did before them. Of course, they will never understand that the men before them, were the same as them. no. When men fail, its due to other circumstances, that we're not interested in, isn't it Emily?

The boyfriend was a nice carachter but i couldn't help but feel he was fake. Men dont behave like that do they? i hope not, for their sake, not mine.

so what are my 'tactics' - i've been acused of having tactics! oh yeah.. i wish!!

my tactics at the moment are these:

1. get rid of all paranoias i have ascociated with my gender.
2. make men in the mens movement learn how to value themselves, not just their opinions.

3. learn how to be a woman again, and then stick it up their arses.
4. help people that i think are good as much as i can.
5. have as much fun as i can, im 30 next year.. life is really short isnt it.
6. never tell another irish man a false name, and always smile back at men who make me feel uncomfortable, instead of growling.

xxxxxx