see you soon im going on holiday!!

im going to spain and i'll be back in about a month!

bye bye hope it doesn't rain too much!

xx

hola cariño

no se si leeras eso cariño, pero lo escribo por si acaso te sientes soli..

eres mi amor
mi mundo y
mi dios

y ya nos vemos dentro de un par de dias!

mis padres me han tratado bien estos dias, por fin
no puedo esperar comer una napolitana al lado tuyo

enseguida estoy alli..

d. xx

flowers, not guns

i realised something today, im no-where near as tough as i thought i was.

there is a guy in the anti-misandry forum who is taking all his personal hatred out in the world on me, im really scared of him. It occured to me just how you can get into situations like this.

i really really tried to be nice to him, i told him about my own insecurities and how maybe we could help each other, but he wouldn't accept it, and in fact, he was really aggresive against me and im glad that the internet is anonymous because he is really scary.

i know i can be a bitch, and i can wind people up and be insensitive sometimes, but i dont deserve what this person has been doing.

i was talking to another friend of mine on the same forum, and he says that sometimes people use internet forums to 'unload their emotional baggage', that i should just leave him to it and try and avoid him. He's right, sometimes i feel so close to men, and other times i feel like a world away. Today i expeirenced both of those feelings, so im tired and exhausted from an emotional roller coaster day.

still.. i had chance to go shopping and i bought myself a couple of dresses, so i feel good again now. Time to become feminine again.

i cant compete with men, i can't threaten them and i felt really scared today for the first time in a while. My partner is away on holiday and my kids are there too for a few days, so im feeling really lonely and i suppose any male attention i get right now, is just like.. wow, i love you so much. isnt life funny.

i offered this guy my hand in friendship, which is something i dont do normally these days, im scared of being hurt, but for the first time in my life, im actually glad i did the right thing.

he rejected it, he wants to hurt me, and make me feel like he feels. Well im sorry, but i dont, i feel good about myself, i gave you a chance to be friends with me, i could have cared for you, and worried about you.. treated you with love and with understanding, and you have thrown that away.

its funny how when you fear something so much you stop doing it, but then when you do it and it goes wrong, it can be a new found freedom in your life, something that can no longer scare you.

i haven't offered my hand in friendship for a long time, because i was scared of being rejected. now i've dont it, and been rejected, i feel no fear. Im happy with myself and maybe it can start a new chapter in my life.

tommorow, im going on holiday with my dad. he is a very caring, but highly emotional and reactionary person. I think he's very unhappy, he constantly searches for respect from his male friends, what is it about men that they feel so worried about how their friends see them, they are obssessed with status.

i think im going to find something else new tommorow -

i like this story, im getting better at reading it. Im not a big and tough, im a weak, emotional, doormat.. but i do know how to love, and i do know how to care for people, and you know what, im going to try not to be afraid to show it anymore.

i even made a picture of myself, with the words 'get fucked' in front of me. Thats the person they wanted me to become. The person that they are, people who have no feelings, people who do not get hurt because they dont know how to love. its not going to be me anymore. i am a pathetic doormat girl, a sponge for aggresive men to punch and kick me. you know what?

im going to smile at them. and im going to hand out flowers, not guns..

harriet harman, tactics, the devil and wearing prada

men do need rights?

over the last two or three months, i have been lost in thought about this thing called 'mens movement'

i started of by trying to understand my own interests in it, and where was it going to go?

i still dont really know the answer to that, but what i have learned about men who are within this movement, is that they do have a nice sense of comradery. The thing that worries me is that is it is based mostly on misunderstanding the female gender.

clearly there are things that they are distressed about. It is totally wrong that a feminist should have a voice, and not a man against her.

labour just elected harriet harman as vice president - i think she is a airheaded bitch with a chip on her shoulder because she's been victimised as a woman!

what a contradiction? second in charge of the country - and victimised as a woman. Wow amazing.

she's going to try and destroy families even more. She's gonna try and make even more women feel the self obsessed pain that she feels. One day, harriet, you'll grow up. i promise you.

maybe i should just start spouting out femo propaganda too, maybe i'll become super woman as well. I hope not. because sorry harriet, but i've got more class in my little finger than you have in your entire body..

I've decided for the moment that i am going to be a tom boy. With it has come a new sense of identity. how long will it last i dont know, but im going to enjoy it.

i know that i will never be accepted into the mens movement, as a woman who thinks for herself, its not possible. I have come to that conclusion, i hope one day i will find out im wrong but im not convinced. I cant argue like them, god knows i've tried. It feels wrong. I love men because they have different talents to me. I hope one day they might feel the same, but hey, c'est la vie..

so at the moment im thinking.. fuck women, and fuck men. I've had enough of all of you. Get fucked.

I dont think i've ever really been nasty to a man in my life, but then i would say that. I've always been fascinated by things i didnt understand properly, but i think most people are the opposite. They are intolerant of things they dont understand - so, feminists hate men because they fear them.

anyway yesterday i watched 'the devil wears prada' and i think it is quite a symbol of changing times. Its message is not one of female superiority, but one of warning. I think women are starting to get the idea, that they are not anything special, and they will fall down the same path as selfish men did before them. Of course, they will never understand that the men before them, were the same as them. no. When men fail, its due to other circumstances, that we're not interested in, isn't it Emily?

The boyfriend was a nice carachter but i couldn't help but feel he was fake. Men dont behave like that do they? i hope not, for their sake, not mine.

so what are my 'tactics' - i've been acused of having tactics! oh yeah.. i wish!!

my tactics at the moment are these:

1. get rid of all paranoias i have ascociated with my gender.
2. make men in the mens movement learn how to value themselves, not just their opinions.

3. learn how to be a woman again, and then stick it up their arses.
4. help people that i think are good as much as i can.
5. have as much fun as i can, im 30 next year.. life is really short isnt it.
6. never tell another irish man a false name, and always smile back at men who make me feel uncomfortable, instead of growling.

xxxxxx

fee-mo-para-noi-ya

im going to write about all the thing i hate about my body, who knows, it might just make me feel better (although, i doubt it). Then im going to talk about the things i like, maybe that will help.

i hate the fact that i have straight shoulders. when i wear summer tops, they have to be super feminine or i think i look like i have mans shoulders. i dont really feel comfortable in excessively feminine tops, so i either feel really self conscious about looking like a man, or really self conscious about looking like a fairy..

my hips are not wide enough in relation to my shoulders, so again, i have to try and wear baggy trousers, which doesnt really work in summer. Again, skirts look better but, again, i dont want to look like sugar plum fairy either.

my tits are too small. i am size 38B. and barely a B at that. when you couple that with wide shoulders and small hips, i look really straight and not very curvy. Im like totally paranoid about what i wear everyday. i wish i could not be like that, but im lost as to how to avoid it.

i think i have a big nose, not enormous, but my mum's is the same. it never bothered me really, but i think you dont notice it until you hear other people who dont have big noses joking about people who do. what do i do to hide that? its difficult, but wearing my hair up tends to make it look a bit less harsh.. i like wearing my hair down, but i prefer wearing pony tails for that reason.

so, there we are.. hips, shoulders, nose and tits, i dont think there is anything else??..... nope..

now, lemme talk about the things i like.

i like my hair, and i like it everyday more because its getting longer and longer and longer.. i went through a stage of having short hair, what the hell was i thinking!

i think i've got pretty hands, so i like that, what else?

i like my tits, because in the same way they are too small, they tend to defy gravity a bit better and i have great sexy nipples which feel really sensitive too, so not all bad.

i think i've got fairly good skin tone too, but then i've heard lots of women say that, and i looked at them and thought, nah, actually, you look like a sun dried banana woman. So thats an easy one to mix up isnt it??

my legs are long, so good? but i'd rather be a bit smaller, im 5'9".

oh yeah and good teeth.

so there we are..

during writing this i just realised how bloody vane and narcisistic i am, because my personality has not entered into my thoughts at all, about things i like and things i dont.

i like the fact that i can be honest with myself, but i hate the fact that i am a paranoid, wierdo woman who is often scared to look people in the eye because im so self conscious about my body.