i feel a little guilty tonight.. and maybe a bit unhappy too, but its all my fault you see? I opened up Pandora's box again tonight.. i have a habit of doing this? i think its part of the insecure part of my personality..
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for the first time in a long time today, i got a chance to go clothes shopping with my mum. We walked into town in the blustering wind, finding it pretty difficult to hear what each other was saying. What is it with march? why does it blow so much. what is it trying to blow away, and push far away into the distance?? anyhow, eventually we got there and began to look around the shops.
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At first, mum wanted to buy some chocolate brazil nuts for my dad, who's not feeling very well, so we went into the first shop and she bought some. Then we went into a few clothes shops, you know, the ones that only have fashionable lines now, and never have any size over 12? well, anyway, i can fit into 12's just about, and i managed to find a jumper for 3 pounds that really suits me.. you know now that i've worn it all day, i've got bored of it.. but thats how it is with clothes right?
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but, anyway, that was a good thing and it made me feel pretty good. Buying clothes always does, i suppose it gives you a chance to see yourself in a different light, if only for a short while? Afterwards, we looked through a few other shops, and my mum was constantly being really nice to me, telling me how things suited me, she said how well i was looking.... amazing i thought? something had to be wrong. My mum was being too nice to me, she's never this nice? but i just thought, oh well! its good isn't it? and we carried on. Later when we had both got tired and she had not found the new cardigan top, the type that she always wears, we decided to have a coffee in a bar and ended up talking about this and that, and it was all very nice!
.
for the first time in a long time today, i got a chance to go clothes shopping with my mum. We walked into town in the blustering wind, finding it pretty difficult to hear what each other was saying. What is it with march? why does it blow so much. what is it trying to blow away, and push far away into the distance?? anyhow, eventually we got there and began to look around the shops.
.
At first, mum wanted to buy some chocolate brazil nuts for my dad, who's not feeling very well, so we went into the first shop and she bought some. Then we went into a few clothes shops, you know, the ones that only have fashionable lines now, and never have any size over 12? well, anyway, i can fit into 12's just about, and i managed to find a jumper for 3 pounds that really suits me.. you know now that i've worn it all day, i've got bored of it.. but thats how it is with clothes right?
.
but, anyway, that was a good thing and it made me feel pretty good. Buying clothes always does, i suppose it gives you a chance to see yourself in a different light, if only for a short while? Afterwards, we looked through a few other shops, and my mum was constantly being really nice to me, telling me how things suited me, she said how well i was looking.... amazing i thought? something had to be wrong. My mum was being too nice to me, she's never this nice? but i just thought, oh well! its good isn't it? and we carried on. Later when we had both got tired and she had not found the new cardigan top, the type that she always wears, we decided to have a coffee in a bar and ended up talking about this and that, and it was all very nice!
.
Actually, I think the waiter fancied me.. i fancied him! they always look so big and overpowering behind those bars, so i gave him a big smile! He then brought the coffees all the way upstairs.. what a nice chap, and what a great bit of manipulation! So, altogether a good day for me i was thinking! there are few things like a knowing-stare between two people to sweep you of your feet and into the clouds again.. and all spent with my mum? its amazing, we had no arguments, no acusations or anything! I think she's really trying to get on with me. The problem, is with me, in that I think that maybe i didn't return it. I didnt return the good feeling that she had given me all day?
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so why not? well.. later i got back and went to have tea at my parents house, i thought.. hmm perhaps i shouldn't go i don't want things to go wrong and spoil a good day, but anyway, not fancying another night alone in a cold empty house (my partner is in spain with my kids, again?) i decided to go.
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soon, as always seems to happen when im alone with my mum and dad, we got talking about all the thoughts that keep going around and around in my head.. this time it was abortion, feminism, anti feminism and all of those bloody things that keep giving me such a headache?? sooo i ended up telling them, a bit arrogantly, how i knew just so much about it all now, and that i had seen things from a different point of view to them. From a new perspective?! perhaps, and maybe this is all down to the past year or so of being indoctrinated by the mrm into their way of seeing things..
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however, as those kind of conversations always go, they always seem to ends up in kind of an argument, where two of us takes sides against the one.. and tonight i think it made my mum feel bad. She had made such an effort and for it to end like that, it wasn't right, and its my fault.. I feel like i've opened their eyes to something that perhaps i shouldn't have? as if i somehow opened pandoras box in my relationship with them? oh god, i feel so bad, and so guilty!! what happens if this makes some kind of wedge between them in their relationship? what if it affects my relationship with them? why didn't i think about this before? perhaps im turning into a self-righteous arrogant bitch? do you think so?
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i feel like i've been trying to convert them into something, and i dont really know why? i've got a bee in my bonnet this time and i feel like i ruined a really nice day. I rarely get to spend time with my mum without children, or nasty bitchy arguments.. Why am i involved in all this? why do i seem to care about it? its nobodies fault but mine is it? We even ended up looking up talking all kinds of bizarre things that no child should ever talk about with their parents! I like calling myself a child again, cant you tell??
.
so why not? well.. later i got back and went to have tea at my parents house, i thought.. hmm perhaps i shouldn't go i don't want things to go wrong and spoil a good day, but anyway, not fancying another night alone in a cold empty house (my partner is in spain with my kids, again?) i decided to go.
.
soon, as always seems to happen when im alone with my mum and dad, we got talking about all the thoughts that keep going around and around in my head.. this time it was abortion, feminism, anti feminism and all of those bloody things that keep giving me such a headache?? sooo i ended up telling them, a bit arrogantly, how i knew just so much about it all now, and that i had seen things from a different point of view to them. From a new perspective?! perhaps, and maybe this is all down to the past year or so of being indoctrinated by the mrm into their way of seeing things..
.
however, as those kind of conversations always go, they always seem to ends up in kind of an argument, where two of us takes sides against the one.. and tonight i think it made my mum feel bad. She had made such an effort and for it to end like that, it wasn't right, and its my fault.. I feel like i've opened their eyes to something that perhaps i shouldn't have? as if i somehow opened pandoras box in my relationship with them? oh god, i feel so bad, and so guilty!! what happens if this makes some kind of wedge between them in their relationship? what if it affects my relationship with them? why didn't i think about this before? perhaps im turning into a self-righteous arrogant bitch? do you think so?
.
i feel like i've been trying to convert them into something, and i dont really know why? i've got a bee in my bonnet this time and i feel like i ruined a really nice day. I rarely get to spend time with my mum without children, or nasty bitchy arguments.. Why am i involved in all this? why do i seem to care about it? its nobodies fault but mine is it? We even ended up looking up talking all kinds of bizarre things that no child should ever talk about with their parents! I like calling myself a child again, cant you tell??
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so, anyway i feel like i've done something really bad today. For the first time in a long time i feel like i am not making enough effort, and caring in my relationship with my parents.. is it true? if this mrm stuff is true, then why does it make me feel bad talking about it? what is it that i am sacrificing when i talk about it with people that are close to me?
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dear diary, im not sure what i should do now? I feel nervous and anxious, and im all alone again.. Perhaps i should just leave things and see what happens. Things always feel better after a nights sleep dont they? The problem is that once you opened pandora's box, then it doesnt shut again does it??
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perhaps im scared, maybe thats what it is. Scared of something changing in life? Oh well, it is march again, and i suppose march, much like october, is a month of changes. The winter blows its way out and the flowers and birds return? I love the scent of the air, on those long evenings when the sun manages to shine for a while..
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that sounds good doesn't it? but i still feel bad.. i cant cover up my feelings by writing things that make me happy anymore.. its not true, i dont deserve to be happy tonight. Im sorry i want to shut the box again, but i can't can I?
so, anyway i feel like i've done something really bad today. For the first time in a long time i feel like i am not making enough effort, and caring in my relationship with my parents.. is it true? if this mrm stuff is true, then why does it make me feel bad talking about it? what is it that i am sacrificing when i talk about it with people that are close to me?
.
dear diary, im not sure what i should do now? I feel nervous and anxious, and im all alone again.. Perhaps i should just leave things and see what happens. Things always feel better after a nights sleep dont they? The problem is that once you opened pandora's box, then it doesnt shut again does it??
.
perhaps im scared, maybe thats what it is. Scared of something changing in life? Oh well, it is march again, and i suppose march, much like october, is a month of changes. The winter blows its way out and the flowers and birds return? I love the scent of the air, on those long evenings when the sun manages to shine for a while..
.
that sounds good doesn't it? but i still feel bad.. i cant cover up my feelings by writing things that make me happy anymore.. its not true, i dont deserve to be happy tonight. Im sorry i want to shut the box again, but i can't can I?
