webcams, being middle class, and looking like an old hag..

dear diary, time to write something new isnt it?
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well i've been away on holiday, it was 20 degrees (celsius NOT farenheit!!!) but i had to cope with in-laws traditional christmas fighting so just about came of even in the end. You know, when im away, i really miss my computer. I've become very attached to it, i was thinking while i was away.. my best friends these days tend to be random people on the internet, and you know what??
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i dont think im ashamed of that anymore.. should i be ashamed of that? i mean, you're not real people, are you? are you???
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im probably an anti-social type. I feel comfortable when i don't have to talk to anyone, when i don't have to portray any stupid image of the latest fashion in being a normal human being.
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along time ago, my mother spent most of my early years reminding me of this while she kept up with the jones's at her oh-so-middle class dinner parties. 'Well hello' they would say to me, not quite looking me in the eye.. 'how are things, how is life!?' and 'hows school!' sipping their wine, looking awkwardly like they weren't somehow real people...
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bloody hell, i dont know, im 10 years old! did you know that?? i want to run upstairs and cry. i cant really tell them that schools horrible can i? or that they bully me because im fat? they dont really want to know do they? or at least, they dont want to feel awkward in front of the Joneses.

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i suppose the answer to all this is to never trust anyone who asks you questions without looking in your eye. you can be nice to them, but something is not as it seems, is it?
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so, that was how i felt. I was always made to feel guilty for being anti-social. Like there was something wrong with me. Well you know what? there are lots of things wrong with me, but i dont care anymore, im a bloody wierdo, so shove that up your bum along with the wine, the pesto and the sun dried tomatoes..

anyway, 1980's middle class dinner parties apart, recently i've become addicted to this horribly addictive and frankly, narcisistic new invention known as webcam. I sit in front of it, and suddenly tens and hundreds of random people want to know about me. Yes me.. is this what being well known is like?
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Some can speak english, others try but fail. They can construct sentences with the word tits in it, but thats as far as they go. Normally arabs.
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occasionally you meet more interesting people and they actually make me feel attractive for the brief period that im there, and believe me, that is a bloody hard thing to do.. sometimes i fancy them. Its always annoying, because you can't touch people on webcam... then i go back to reality, where i generally feel like an ugly old hag. I spend most of my days wondering how i can be so ugly and nobody else can really see it. I suppose its called being a woman isnt it? or maybe its just about being me.. anyway, webcam is almost becoming preferable to real life. That has to be wrong doesn't it?
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i suppose it must be really funny watching what people get upto behind closed doors. Staring at me in my dirty pyjamas. Its funny, they dont know that their dirty!
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On webcam they call me pretty, sexy and lot of other things that make me feel as if somehow i was something special. It never happens to me in real life. What it is that i do on there, that i don't do in real life? perhaps in real life they can see that my pyjamas are dirty? perhaps they see the bags under my eyes.. who knows? perhaps men are afraid to say nice things to me in real life. i dont know. Maybe they are lying, but what for? its not like there going to get anything from me is it? i mean, im 1000s of miles away. I even get women admirers. They bug me and never go away.
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i think that on webcam, i become a different personality, someone who has lots more confidence and doesn't get hurt as easily as she should. I mean, on the internet, i don't care if people call me names, or get into arguements with me really. Thats the not the same as real life is it? in real life it hurts doesnt it? on the internet it doesnt hurt so much.
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i suppose most people on there are guys. I dont really have any competition. I guess the answer, is just to get rid of all the other women in the world, and then real life will get a bit better for me?
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oh well.. maybe i should just become middle class and ask my friends kids how school is...

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perhaps the real meaning of the internet is that you can make friends and talk about things that in real life, are just too difficult. Perhaps webcam is somewhere you can feel the emotions that you don't let yourself feel in real life, eh?

october

i haven't really got much to write about lately.. its raining outside, but i don't feel down. October is a nice month really, i always feel like its the calm before the long nights draw in and the real cold begins.

I always get out the winter clothes around now, make space in a draw and get rid of the twins summer clothes. October is always a month where things change isn't it? The trees are slowly becoming orange, the strange party feel about life that you get in the summer is gone. There is still a nice scent in the air of what once was, but its blowing away in the wind..

I'd really love the autumn, but I know that winters coming along soon.

i used to like winter when i was little. we used to get snow back then? what has happend to it all, we never get any anymore. Snow always made the place look so pretty. I remember i used to wake up every winter morning with my fingers crossed that it had snowed! i opened the curtain and... nope.. it hadn't oh well, maybe tommorow.

anyway, you know sometimes when you get involved in things and you eventually come out of it? you look back and think... amazing, did i really believe in that? i'm a bit like that now..

i think that im in october in more than just the date on the top of the page. Its a time of change in my life, the way i feel about the world is changing.

recently, i've been lost inbetween feeling pretty down in the dumps, looking after children, trying to show my partner how important and how much i love him, while getting mixed up in a strange cult like movement called the male rights movement (mrm).

i don't really know how i got involved in it, but i know that at the beginning i was actually quite frightened by the mrm and thought i'd better find out what it was about. I had always felt that some things weren't fair to the male gender, and suspected that they might have a case sometimes. Not to mention the things that are unfair to women, and its about time i started talking about that more.. but, it's true, some things aren't fair to them.

the problem men have, is almost always they have brought it on themselves. I see the mrm as a movement of lonely people, when they write, i can feel the pain that they have in their lives. They don't understand that life is about life. Its about the moment, not the future..

you know what? i was completely wrong to be scared of them.

the mrm are no threat to anyone, they are really just another bunch of people lost in their own head and have an inability to relate properly to the rest of the world. Its part of the human condition i suppose, im not saying they are bad people, just misguided. When people are selfish, it eventually shines through and you'd have to be really stupid not to see it in the mrm. Im not saying that there aren't lots of stupid people out there, bless them, but, there is something in the macho psyche, that makes them completely unaware of how the rest of the world views them.

you know what? i actually quite like the world as it is, im pretty happy at the moment. I suspect those people aren't. I think thats why im drawn to them, its in my nature to want to understand and feel other peoples pain. I dont know why im like that, nobody can ever feel mine... but you know, there is no world wide conspiracy against them.. its because.. well.. they are men who forgot how to enjoy life. it seems to me, they are incapable of having fun anymore.

I suppose that they walk down the road, and look at everything they hate about the world. They look at women like me, and they hate us because we exist? They don't see the hanging basket with the geraniums outside the house, they missed it. Its gone now.. Thats what im trying to say, that feeling bad, is about focusing on bad things. What have we done to them? we haven't done anything, we, just like anyone else, are just trying to get on with our lives in the best way we know. If you look for the bad in the world, you will find it. Its important to know that my sunshine.

I'm still drawn to them though, i admit that.. i'm always interested in people and their wierd worlds, but i think thats where my interest finishes now? The summer has now gone and the world is beginning to change again. I dont think that there is any reason to be afraid of that is there?

It takes humility and sensitivity to make a good world for yourself. Extreme people in my opinion, dont know how to do this, or they forgot about it.. you know, it's not about competition, its about understanding isnt it?

What i can say to people lost in the bad feeling of any group like the mrm, is that when you talk about loyalty, you mean intolerance. When you talk about brothers, you mean slaves. When you talk about women, you mean people who are trying to be happy. If you are really that intellegent, why are you in the situation you are in? Have you asked yourself that? why can't you hear what im saying..

its october, and things change. but it has to come from the inside, not from the outside.

next time you walk down the road, don't hate me. Why do you all hate me? Remember that i told you to look at the flowers. remember that you can choose to see the good in life, but you have to know that there is no party.. there is no crowd cheering you on. It's about noticing the flowers, instead of seeing the storm coming in. Next time you feel hate, remember me, and look for the flowers..

Aint life wierd eh?

dear diary

i sometimes feel like my life is empty. Its not like a real thing, its just a feeling i get inside, in my stomach and it goes right up to my heart. Sometimes i wonder if my heart will just stop beating because i don't have the energy to keep it going.

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i felt like that last night, and i don't know where to turn. I can give my partner a cuddle, but the feeling of emptyness doesn't go away. I love him, i love him so much, love, is when you care. Its not about sex, or kissing, or going out to restaurantes. Thats something else isnt it?

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Sometimes im really amazed by the things people do in life. You turn on the television and you see adverts, and programs, all about the excitement of life, the things that happen. I never felt part of it. Its like a big party thats going on around you that you cannot touch.

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In my life i've found very few things that actually make me happy and smile. When my daughters call me, the sound of their voice makes me feel like im needed, like i do have a part in that party that is going on around me. I can be intimate with them without fear of agression. I suppose the relationship changes over time but i love being a mother, its the best thing i ever found in life.

There are also certain sexual encounters when suddenly felt alive, like suddenly there is a world going on inside me. I've spent far too long in my life trying to find that kind of situation. It always relates to me trying to be this perfect woman, and when i look in the mirror i am reminded of how far away from it i am.

Sex is like that, its something you spend your whole life thinking is so important, but you then spend your whole life trying to be something your not. That first sexual encounter, when you feel turned on for the first time. It leaves an imprint in your mind and can consume your whole life trying to find it again. Why else do we have plastic surgery, endless diets and the rest? We are looking for something that's already happend. I guess we'll never find it again.

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That feeling of emptyness inside is why i argue, its why i cry and why i spend hours in front of a mirror making sure every single hair is in the right place. Im running away from it, im hiding and pretending that there is something more to life than emptyness.

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There isn't is there? I fill it with red bull, with internet forums, arguements, clothes, hairstyles, music, travelling and languages. Im running away from it, just like i did from school when i was young.

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When my mum left me at school when i was 6 i looked around and i saw faces that i didn't recognise, people talking to me about things i didn't understand, rooms that i did not know, children laughing, while i felt terrified. I just ran, i just felt like i couldn't stay there. I suppose i spend alot of my life feeling like that. She never used to pick me up from school. I remember leaving and watching everyone elses mothers smiling at them, i just had to walk home alone. There was a tree at the bottom of the road and i used to pretend it was her.. everytime i walked home from school, i wished that tree would turn into my mum, but it never did.

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Then, when i was bullied by a group of people at secondary school, i lost my trust in people. I still haven't got that back, and i still see the bullies everywhere i go. Different faces, different names, but the same face, the same feeling of vulnerability. I'm scared of people. Still, i guess that nobody knows that, apart from me.

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When i go in to teach classes, i smile and pretend to be a really nice person, a good teacher. The truth is that i don't feel comfortable. I hate being looked at, i hate attention. I don't really know why im a teacher, but if i do nothing i just look in the mirror and end up wanting to slit my wrists.

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At least since i had children, i now feel like my life has meant something. I suppose this is what im saying, that watching something grow, caring and giving everything you can to someone that you love, is the only real answer to that emptyness. Isn't it funny that cleaning poo out of a potty, is actually what makes me happy. Life is full of little contradictions like that. Aint it wierd eh?

fee-mo-para-noi-ya

im going to write about all the thing i hate about my body, who knows, it might just make me feel better (although, i doubt it). Then im going to talk about the things i like, maybe that will help.

i hate the fact that i have straight shoulders. when i wear summer tops, they have to be super feminine or i think i look like i have mans shoulders. i dont really feel comfortable in excessively feminine tops, so i either feel really self conscious about looking like a man, or really self conscious about looking like a fairy..

my hips are not wide enough in relation to my shoulders, so again, i have to try and wear baggy trousers, which doesnt really work in summer. Again, skirts look better but, again, i dont want to look like sugar plum fairy either.

my tits are too small. i am size 38B. and barely a B at that. when you couple that with wide shoulders and small hips, i look really straight and not very curvy. Im like totally paranoid about what i wear everyday. i wish i could not be like that, but im lost as to how to avoid it.

i think i have a big nose, not enormous, but my mum's is the same. it never bothered me really, but i think you dont notice it until you hear other people who dont have big noses joking about people who do. what do i do to hide that? its difficult, but wearing my hair up tends to make it look a bit less harsh.. i like wearing my hair down, but i prefer wearing pony tails for that reason.

so, there we are.. hips, shoulders, nose and tits, i dont think there is anything else??..... nope..

now, lemme talk about the things i like.

i like my hair, and i like it everyday more because its getting longer and longer and longer.. i went through a stage of having short hair, what the hell was i thinking!

i think i've got pretty hands, so i like that, what else?

i like my tits, because in the same way they are too small, they tend to defy gravity a bit better and i have great sexy nipples which feel really sensitive too, so not all bad.

i think i've got fairly good skin tone too, but then i've heard lots of women say that, and i looked at them and thought, nah, actually, you look like a sun dried banana woman. So thats an easy one to mix up isnt it??

my legs are long, so good? but i'd rather be a bit smaller, im 5'9".

oh yeah and good teeth.

so there we are..

during writing this i just realised how bloody vane and narcisistic i am, because my personality has not entered into my thoughts at all, about things i like and things i dont.

i like the fact that i can be honest with myself, but i hate the fact that i am a paranoid, wierdo woman who is often scared to look people in the eye because im so self conscious about my body.

the little unimportant things that can change everything

when i feel down, when sometimes it seems like their is no hope for the future, i go and lie in bed and wrap myself up in the covers. Its not a big change in my life, its just a little thing, but it makes me feel less alone. It helps me pass the bad feeling and unhappy emotions sometimes when i get down,

i think its to do with low oestrogen levels, but im not a doctor.

when i go to sleep i always like sleeping with something stuffed inbetween my legs, a pillow, the duvet cover... anything, i dont know why that is, i think i've always like the feel of things next to me, when nothing touches me i feel like i dont exist..

life can be difficult sometimes, when you have two little children running around asking constantly for this and that, then when you go to grandparents house, suddenly they dont care about you anymore, its all about grandma! it can really make you feel unloved, but its in the nature of children to go to the sun that shines the most right?

'estar al sol que mas calienta...'

im a pisces, i think we are all a bit like me, too reflective and we dont live enough. We are lost in our heads most of the time... although if i'd been born two hours earlier i'd be aquarius, although i guess both make me a water girl anyway so, we are all a bit like that..

isnt it funny how birthdays seem to go in periods? all of my family are either born in late november - december time (sagitarius) or late january - february (aquarius), OR in may (taurus and gemini)

my partner however is a scorpio. its wierd.. every single long term relationship i've had has been with a scorpion... they have a sting in the tail im told. Aren't they water too? i get on with them.

i have no idea why this is, i dont know anyone who was born in the summer at all, and yet in may, practically everyday i know someone who has a birthday..

i used to be a scientist and never believed in any of this kind of stuff but lately i've become a lot more feeling orientated.

i wear my hair in a pony tail all the time now because for some reason i dont feel comfortable wearing it down anymore. does that have any significance? who knows, i dont know.

anyway, i've been pretty down over the last week or so, probably due as much to the weather as anything else, but sometimes, when i feel like that, the bed covers are my best friend. They reflect the warmth that i sometimes want to feel and dont get in the real world.

im not saying that they solve anything, once i get up all the fears, paranoias and insecurities are still there, but its a start isnt it?

I dont really want to talk about why i feel down, i have my reasons and they are pretty depressing to me.

but, the little things like wrapping ourselves in our bed covers, and stuffing pillows between our legs can help us change our emotions and can be so important. They can give us hope where just before there did not appear to be any.

so i am saying that next time you feel down, wrap yourself up, cover your head and pretend that the whole world outside no longer exists. i do that now and it makes me feel ok again, like somebody cares.

lonely moments and how i deal with them

i feel lonely. i always feel lonely at this time of the week.

im stuck at home my children are with their grandparents. im waiting to go out to teach a class and my partner is working.

when i feel like this, because im bored i normally end up looking in the mirror at myself brushing my hair this way and then that.. then in a pony tail, up and down, until eventually it goes back to where it started originally. then i start focusing on all the things i hate about the way i look. the way the light catches my eyes, the way it changes the colour of skin tone i have.

so, i get bored and think.. danielle, thats enough self destruction for now, then i go into the other room and i turn on the internet and i see flashing lights, forums with opinions, irritating songs that i dont want to listen to. I'll check my email! oh no.. another message from Panda software? who the hell are they and why do they send me email..


friends reunited says that new members have joined! no, they havent! they all joined 6 years ago like me, and nobody cares anymore.

when i watch TV, or use the internet, i feel like the whole world is a party that nobody bothered to invite me too.

so what do i do? i sit down here and write down my thoughts as if that was somehow going to change the nature of how i am. well i suppose it gets rid of the bad feeling for a while doesnt it?

i sit with my legs crossed one over the other as if that somehow gives me the feeling that another person is with me, that somebody else is there. Then i wedge my hand inbetween my thighs, its nice and warm in there!

i've realised that if i fold my arms i feel more secure as if there were a barrier between me and the world outside. but i cant go and teach with my arms folded can i? oh dear..

i sit here and write this blog, as if anyone else was listening, as if anyone really cared about my life or the reason i am here in this place. is this what we all do? do we all sit in silence from time to time and fill our lives with empty feelings, and pretend obsessions. it has no inherent meaning at all does it?

im sitting staring at the black wall that is life again. My dad always told me that life was neutral. i suppose the meaning is what you give it, and when you feel alone, that is the meaning that it has.

i could go into town, and watch the rat race take place, people running around in suits and ties, trying to look important, as if somehow that let them escape the reality of life. Young men walking in a strange way to try and show to the world that they have some importance? they dont do they? neither does the girl who sits there in her tracksuit top that is too small for her fiddling with her over sized earing.

oh well, anyway, i feel better now. at least the sun came out this afternoon, i couldn't face another cold and dark rainy day.



the rain makes my life go out of focus.

so what do i wear to go to teach? yeah.. that old black hoody top of mine.. no, i dont like that anymore it makes me feel black and wet. what about that other top you bought 5 months ago that you try on every week and never wear because it makes you look to rigid and manly. well, maybe i'll try it again next week. how about the red tracksuit top with the white laces? no, that ones to warm and it'll make your cheeks go red when you laugh. well ok, lets try that t-shirt that you bought in asda last week? noooo its too adolescent and its got pink writing on it its not really suitable for a 29 year old teacher.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

ok.. black hoody top it is. AGAIN..

better get on preparing personal pronouns i suppose.

so there you are.. my solution to loneliness and temporary depression is, cross your legs over, stick your hand inbetween them, try not to look in the mirror, and write something down, in a diary. Oh yeah, and put on music or the television, i forgot to mention that too.

it kinda works for me

vivir asi, es morir de amor!

para Camilo sesto...

Siempre me traiciona la razon y me domina el corazon
no se luchar contra el amor
siempre me voy a enamorar de quien de mi no se enamora
es por eso que mi alma llora
y ya no puedo mas, ya no puedo mas
siempre se repite esta misma historia
estoy harto de rodar como una noria
vivir asi, es morir de amor
por amor tengo el alma herida

te tengo que dar las gracias por escribir esta cancion, porque se me ha quitado el miedo con que me quede esta manana..

insecurities, sex, and very fast trains..

i feel tired and depressed. you know, when you feel so tired that you know when you go to bed that you're not going to be able to sleep, because you are too tired?

i travelled half way across europe yesterday, starting in spain, going through france, and then finally under the english channel on a VERY fast train, and after running and sweating my way across central london just making my bus, home. I stink, my hair is a total mess and i feel like shit. Is it just me that feels like that, or is it real, does everyone else see the total disaster of a day im having? do i see it when they are having one??

you know when i feel like that, i look at my face in the mirror and think, fucking hell you're so ugly. You have all these bags under your eyes, wrinkles on your forehead and eyes, big nose, fat cheeks and thin, crap coloured and crap cut hair. Oh yeah, my tits are too small, i look like a man and i dont have any hips and god... aaahh i just want to get it out i guess this is a good place.

I know objectively that tommorow morning i'll wake up, feel better and all the horrible aspects that seemed so big tonight, will seem unimportant and irrelevant. Some wont even be there anymore.. Its happend to me too many times before, and im a wise old choco woman. Hell, only a few days ago i felt like the super sexy sex queen from sex city, planet super gorgeous. Why do we do this to ourselves? or is it just me that does it too myself. This world needs a bit more honesty doesnt it mi amor.

do men do this to themselves or is it a sanctuary reserved only for females, or just me alone? do men understand that i feel like this, do they care? am i just another insecure whinging ugly flat chested bitch? would they admit it if they were just like me really? i just dont know that answer to that. hell.. i like football isnt that good enough??

i guess what im asking for here is some kind of answer from this male movement. Im hoping that what i believe about men, will turn out to be true. That they are as fucking insecure as i am sometimes, and that yes, they are not scared to tell me about it. I listen, i do.

throught life maybe we get attached to groups of people we think are going to save us from ourselves, that are going to remove all those insecurities and somehow make every day much easier. Clothes, Musicians, Sex, Films, Food, Internet, bigger tits, thicker hair, internet chats, webcams, blogs, forums and Football teams. Are they going to be the answer? I suppose they each do their bit to fill in what in reality is just an empty vacuum of nothingness. Life, i mean. Lets face it, there is only the meanings we give it. It has no inherent meaning does it. Why do i feel like this, for what reason?

Are my children going to grow up and have their own insecurities? are they going to be as pathetic as i am at dealing with them? well.. i guess im not that bad AT LEAST i know they go away (dont i?)

what is male insecurity like, is it like mine? am i asking too much from men to talk to me about them?