i feel tired and depressed. you know, when you feel so tired that you know when you go to bed that you're not going to be able to sleep, because you are too tired?
i travelled half way across europe yesterday, starting in spain, going through france, and then finally under the english channel on a VERY fast train, and after running and sweating my way across central london just making my bus, home. I stink, my hair is a total mess and i feel like shit. Is it just me that feels like that, or is it real, does everyone else see the total disaster of a day im having? do i see it when they are having one??
you know when i feel like that, i look at my face in the mirror and think, fucking hell you're so ugly. You have all these bags under your eyes, wrinkles on your forehead and eyes, big nose, fat cheeks and thin, crap coloured and crap cut hair. Oh yeah, my tits are too small, i look like a man and i dont have any hips and god... aaahh i just want to get it out i guess this is a good place.
I know objectively that tommorow morning i'll wake up, feel better and all the horrible aspects that seemed so big tonight, will seem unimportant and irrelevant. Some wont even be there anymore.. Its happend to me too many times before, and im a wise old choco woman. Hell, only a few days ago i felt like the super sexy sex queen from sex city, planet super gorgeous. Why do we do this to ourselves? or is it just me that does it too myself. This world needs a bit more honesty doesnt it mi amor.
do men do this to themselves or is it a sanctuary reserved only for females, or just me alone? do men understand that i feel like this, do they care? am i just another insecure whinging ugly flat chested bitch? would they admit it if they were just like me really? i just dont know that answer to that. hell.. i like football isnt that good enough??
i guess what im asking for here is some kind of answer from this male movement. Im hoping that what i believe about men, will turn out to be true. That they are as fucking insecure as i am sometimes, and that yes, they are not scared to tell me about it. I listen, i do.
throught life maybe we get attached to groups of people we think are going to save us from ourselves, that are going to remove all those insecurities and somehow make every day much easier. Clothes, Musicians, Sex, Films, Food, Internet, bigger tits, thicker hair, internet chats, webcams, blogs, forums and Football teams. Are they going to be the answer? I suppose they each do their bit to fill in what in reality is just an empty vacuum of nothingness. Life, i mean. Lets face it, there is only the meanings we give it. It has no inherent meaning does it. Why do i feel like this, for what reason?
Are my children going to grow up and have their own insecurities? are they going to be as pathetic as i am at dealing with them? well.. i guess im not that bad AT LEAST i know they go away (dont i?)
what is male insecurity like, is it like mine? am i asking too much from men to talk to me about them?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
I have a friend going through a gender reassignment too. It takes a while for the hormones to stabilize so hang in there. It is also normal for your breasts to shrink and to develop body hair and a deeper voice.
I hope you will be happier as a man, it is pretty obvious that you are very uncomfortable with women. Hopefully, once your body has become masculine you will no longer hate women so much.
Peace.
hi anonymous, thanks for the concern, although, im not a f2m transexual! I have tried living as a man, but i hated it.
I dont think i hate women im surprised you say that.
i think my goal in here is first of all to understand myself a bit better, but also to maybe try and provide a non-confrontation female voice in the mens movement. I think that we need concerned, but caring representation within it.
In an actual response to your question, yes men are insecure, though I think it is expressed differently than in women. Women tend to be lightly insecure about many things, their breast-size, fat etc. Men tend to be intensely insecure, and focus their insecurity on a few places and at differing priorities. Usually the list goes something like: money, penis. And since I like to back everything up with a logical proof, just ask yourself how much is available for men to increase the size of their penises. Then try to find anything on the internet about the penis which is NOT related to its size.
Trust me, men are just as insecure as you are, it's just handled differently.
I disagree, I don't feel 'deeply insecure' and I don't think most of my male aquaintances do either.
Post a Comment