fee-mo-para-noi-ya

im going to write about all the thing i hate about my body, who knows, it might just make me feel better (although, i doubt it). Then im going to talk about the things i like, maybe that will help.

i hate the fact that i have straight shoulders. when i wear summer tops, they have to be super feminine or i think i look like i have mans shoulders. i dont really feel comfortable in excessively feminine tops, so i either feel really self conscious about looking like a man, or really self conscious about looking like a fairy..

my hips are not wide enough in relation to my shoulders, so again, i have to try and wear baggy trousers, which doesnt really work in summer. Again, skirts look better but, again, i dont want to look like sugar plum fairy either.

my tits are too small. i am size 38B. and barely a B at that. when you couple that with wide shoulders and small hips, i look really straight and not very curvy. Im like totally paranoid about what i wear everyday. i wish i could not be like that, but im lost as to how to avoid it.

i think i have a big nose, not enormous, but my mum's is the same. it never bothered me really, but i think you dont notice it until you hear other people who dont have big noses joking about people who do. what do i do to hide that? its difficult, but wearing my hair up tends to make it look a bit less harsh.. i like wearing my hair down, but i prefer wearing pony tails for that reason.

so, there we are.. hips, shoulders, nose and tits, i dont think there is anything else??..... nope..

now, lemme talk about the things i like.

i like my hair, and i like it everyday more because its getting longer and longer and longer.. i went through a stage of having short hair, what the hell was i thinking!

i think i've got pretty hands, so i like that, what else?

i like my tits, because in the same way they are too small, they tend to defy gravity a bit better and i have great sexy nipples which feel really sensitive too, so not all bad.

i think i've got fairly good skin tone too, but then i've heard lots of women say that, and i looked at them and thought, nah, actually, you look like a sun dried banana woman. So thats an easy one to mix up isnt it??

my legs are long, so good? but i'd rather be a bit smaller, im 5'9".

oh yeah and good teeth.

so there we are..

during writing this i just realised how bloody vane and narcisistic i am, because my personality has not entered into my thoughts at all, about things i like and things i dont.

i like the fact that i can be honest with myself, but i hate the fact that i am a paranoid, wierdo woman who is often scared to look people in the eye because im so self conscious about my body.

this is a short post.

today someone said something to me, that was so beautfiul that i have to write it down here..
it made my cry..

'everyday when i start the day, the first thing i think..
i have a heartbeat..
the next thing i think..
i can breath!
its the start of a great day'

aint that just lovely?


thanks I. you deserve the best honey xxx

june evenings and womens football teams...

on monday, i was teaching a spanish class.

somebody found a pink cloudy my little pony or something like that, pen on the the floor.
someone offered it to the only male student in the class! he says... it cant be MINE can it!!

so why cant it be yours? what is it about the male social role that means they will not let themselves show a certain aspect of their personality. Poor C. i hope he doesnt mind me using him as an example?

i've been thinking about aspects of being female, where can i do things, where can i not? i think the most difficult thing about being a woman, is it is generally less acceptable to be scruffy. when you get a guy who walks into class wearing the same clothes that probably havent been washed in 5 months, nobody notices, or they just say.. he's just a young man. If i did it, i think it would signify some kind of sexual disfunction?

what else? well.. going out for a walk on your own past 6pm, people start wondering what you are doing. i have a river near to me, so when my partner is back from work it means i can escape for 15 minutes from my house. its june, its light, and the evenings are wonderful arent they? i love walking but im starting to realise that it makes me feel a bit uneasy these days. i'm not really sure what im saying here?

i suppose if someone found a football on the floor and they gave it to me, i'd probably be like.. er.. why are you giving it to me! (even though i love football). i suppose when that happens, i'm scared of the way other people view my sexual and gender identity? maybe thats what it is. I think everyone has male and female inside them are they are terrified to express it because nobody else does..

if a man picks up a pink pen, it must mean his is gay, wierd? maybe even a paedophile.

my god isnt this world bloody crazy.

no i mean it, this world is totally and completely round the bend..

actually i think that because he makes an issue of the pen being pink it does show some kind of conflict within him. Its like, i want to pick up this pen, but, there is NO WAY im doing it! im a man and men arent allowed to write with pink pens?

i've talked about the male role being very squeezed up, just like a lemon thats been used to make lemon juice

i think these days, women are like the lemon juice and men are the squeezed up remains. You cant have one without the other, but the circumstances are very different.

the question has to be for men, how can they change that around, how can they make it so it doesn't threaten their entire existence if they pick up a pink pen?

i've talked alot about this with men, both in reality and in the internet, and im torn between two arguments, one that says im right, and men need to get over these little fears they have.. and others who say, men dont want to become like women!! men want to go their own way.

i dont know what this means at all. im not sure they know what it means either? i hope they do, but i doubt it.

besides, how is using a pink pen becoming like a woman?? my god, they really do not understand at all do they? a pink pen, is something that might have made a young kid, probably a girl, smile sometime 5 years ago. lets get a bit of perspective here!!!

anyway, while i was out walking yesterday, there was a group of women footballers practising. the coach (a man, as per usual) kept looking at me.. im 5'9" and i can do 100 kick ups with a football.. he must have thought, hmm, is this a member of my team turning up late?

no, im not in a womans football team, and although i like football, something i saw in asda the other day really put me of it totally..

a womens team was collecting for a new strip. it was white and blue stripes with white socks. they were offering to do the packing in return for a small contribution, to be made in a bucket.

on the bucket it read.... 'the future of football is female...'

i didnt make a contribution, and thankfully the guy collecting (mangina) didnt bother asking me. I am a woman, but you know what, women are CRAP at football. Im about as good as it gets and compared to any bloke down the street im rubbish. I went through a phase in my mid teens where i thought that i was as physically able as a man. I thought i could objectify my feelings like them, but.. a few arm wrestles and a couple of games of table football later, and i had changed my mind...

.

I can get bitter about things the other sex does better than me. but, thank god i came to that

conclusion as soon as i did. I learned to apreciate them instead of trying to be like them. Although deep down we're all the same aren't we?? what contradictions i live with inside myself.

oh well....

.

so, anyway, the future of football is definately not female, and if it is, then football has no future. I love watching the way the men move around, how they drive and move the football around the pitch, the passion, the commitment that they show. I love the passion of it all, its something that feminism is scared of. well it doesnt scare me.. its brill. i love it.

womens football? balls of fat running around with a pony tail wiggling at the back? you cant tell which one is the ball and which one is the player can you? so....thanks, but no thanks. Dont try and tempt me into something that im not good at.

anyway, what does this mean? well, it occured to me just how deep routed the feminist agenda is in our minds.

A man collecting for a womans football team, with a bucket saying the future of football is female!...and, in a national supermarket chain

if they had asked me for a contribution, i would have said, 'i would have contributed, but i prefer watching men play, and as they have no future, why contribute!!!' or is that one of those thing i wished i had said, when really i'd not have said anything? who knows. as a woman though i think i have a responsibility to point these things out. The situation men are in is that they cannot even stand up forthemselves anymore. maybe if i start the ball rolling??

my god and people call me a feminist. that really gets on my nerves. I am not a feminist, feminists believe in women, MRA's believe in men. Lucia Vega believes in lucia vega and a hand full of men and women that i met in my life, on the internet and in my family. They tend to be left handed, but not always. I always like left handed people. They are normally a bit wierd, like me. But the really wierd ones are left handed and right footed, or right handed and left footed.

watch out for them!!!! im left handed and left footed. but i use scissors with my right hand.

so, dont get me wrong, some men do have a hell of a lot to learn from some women too. something the mens movement has not even tried to address. the mens movement certainly does not want the gaping differences between some men pointing out. they hate me when i do it..

oh yeah and has anyone noticed just how enormous the new generation of young men are.. i was in the park yesterday, and there were a group of them lying in the sun, and throwing a football around. they were enormous, big shoulders tanned in the sun, all of them at least 6 foot 2.

well at least they are getting fed properly, so its not all bad men, is it? somebody is looking after you somewhere....