you know, if you don't love your children, you don't love anyone..

its a friday and my children have gone to nursery school - what am i to do? they learnt songs that someone else taught them. Im beggining to get the first feelings that someone must get when their children grow up and leave home?

i've been totally bored for the last few days, home alone, no kids, no bloke.. only a computer and a super-clean house to keep me company.

oh well, at least its given me a chance to write, and on this occasion, to talk about my true feelings about a rather controversial subject..

i found this article in a feminist site that i've read a few times..

http://feministing.com/archives/008428.html

Ga-Ga for Guttmacher

The Guttmacher Institute has released a mother of a study today revealing that in 2005, the U.S. abortion rate was the lowest it has been since 1974.

In other words, the rates continue to decline. The study reveals a number of other interesting (and depressing) findings, like:

* The number of abortion providers is decreasing, yet at a slower rate than previous years
Medication abortion - or mifepristone - use is growing

* More than 1 in 4 abortion patients reports traveling at least 50 miles to reach a provider.

* Nationwide, 87% of counties have no abortion services, a figure that has existed since 2000
They also have a state-by-state guide with abortion rates and access. Check out the full study, "Abortion in the United States: Incidence and Access to Services, 2005."

now, the key bit i highlighted here, is that the writer of this article thinks that it is depressing that the abortion rate has decreased..

i wondered how could it possibly be depressing?? depressing that more children are not being murdered, having things stuck into their barely formed, fragile and defenceless bodies. Having their life, there existence stolen from them.

this message is to those that have written this article, and to those women whom think abortion is right.. I am writing to give you the choice to say no to murder. I am writing this to give you the choice to do the right thing...

you know, Its not your body, it the childs body.

and, its not your choice. Your choice was to have sex, or to not have it.

Why do you not understand that? why do you seek so hard to destroy what you cared so little in creating? do you only belive in death and destruction? what is it that makes you so desperate to cover up what is such an evil process?

honestly, i am not excusing the fathers, the doctors and all the other people involved, they have their own demons to face. You are not fighting to defend those people, so why are you claiming to be fighting for women's rights, and yet you are happy for women to be murdered in the place they are supposed to feel more safe than anywhere else? inside the uterus. inside the body of the person that feels them closer than any other..

why can you not empathise with the child that was growing inside of you? do you not feel anything?

i can only think you are so intencely selfish that your own life is more valuable to you than that of your own child..

or maybe, is it really, that you have already had an abortion and you hide behind the banner of 'womens rights' to protect your guilt and your conscience? You do not want to come to terms that you are a child killer. who would? its normal, but you are wrong and you are evil. You must not be mistaken about that.

the only answer for you, is to come to terms with who you are, not to make more people into monsters like you..

stop lying to us, you care not about women, but only about yourself. Is it really that you whole struggle is to manipulate people, women, so that they do not see the black hearted person that you really are?

you know what, i think your depressed because more and more people are beggining to see through the abortion issue right down into to the cold black hearts of the people that promote it..

and the last thing i want to say, and i want to say how good, and full of life i feel when i say this, is...

i never had an abortion. I am not a murderer, and I love my children.

i want you to know that, i want you to know how strongly my feelings are against you. I want you to know that i chose life, that i chose caring and that i chose right.

the only way for you to make better, is to come to terms with what you have done. I will welcome you with open arms and with warmth and caring. I want you to teach people why what you did was wrong. I want you to stop the lies and save yourself.

you know, theres a saying in spain, and it think it fits in well here..

if you can't love your children, you can't love anyone.

if you ever loved your child that you murdered, you will tell her or him, that you are sorry.. that you were wrong, and that you will not forget them and that you will fight so that they are remembered and that other children do not have to suffer what you have put them through.

webcams, being middle class, and looking like an old hag..

dear diary, time to write something new isnt it?
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well i've been away on holiday, it was 20 degrees (celsius NOT farenheit!!!) but i had to cope with in-laws traditional christmas fighting so just about came of even in the end. You know, when im away, i really miss my computer. I've become very attached to it, i was thinking while i was away.. my best friends these days tend to be random people on the internet, and you know what??
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i dont think im ashamed of that anymore.. should i be ashamed of that? i mean, you're not real people, are you? are you???
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im probably an anti-social type. I feel comfortable when i don't have to talk to anyone, when i don't have to portray any stupid image of the latest fashion in being a normal human being.
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along time ago, my mother spent most of my early years reminding me of this while she kept up with the jones's at her oh-so-middle class dinner parties. 'Well hello' they would say to me, not quite looking me in the eye.. 'how are things, how is life!?' and 'hows school!' sipping their wine, looking awkwardly like they weren't somehow real people...
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bloody hell, i dont know, im 10 years old! did you know that?? i want to run upstairs and cry. i cant really tell them that schools horrible can i? or that they bully me because im fat? they dont really want to know do they? or at least, they dont want to feel awkward in front of the Joneses.

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i suppose the answer to all this is to never trust anyone who asks you questions without looking in your eye. you can be nice to them, but something is not as it seems, is it?
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so, that was how i felt. I was always made to feel guilty for being anti-social. Like there was something wrong with me. Well you know what? there are lots of things wrong with me, but i dont care anymore, im a bloody wierdo, so shove that up your bum along with the wine, the pesto and the sun dried tomatoes..

anyway, 1980's middle class dinner parties apart, recently i've become addicted to this horribly addictive and frankly, narcisistic new invention known as webcam. I sit in front of it, and suddenly tens and hundreds of random people want to know about me. Yes me.. is this what being well known is like?
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Some can speak english, others try but fail. They can construct sentences with the word tits in it, but thats as far as they go. Normally arabs.
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occasionally you meet more interesting people and they actually make me feel attractive for the brief period that im there, and believe me, that is a bloody hard thing to do.. sometimes i fancy them. Its always annoying, because you can't touch people on webcam... then i go back to reality, where i generally feel like an ugly old hag. I spend most of my days wondering how i can be so ugly and nobody else can really see it. I suppose its called being a woman isnt it? or maybe its just about being me.. anyway, webcam is almost becoming preferable to real life. That has to be wrong doesn't it?
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i suppose it must be really funny watching what people get upto behind closed doors. Staring at me in my dirty pyjamas. Its funny, they dont know that their dirty!
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On webcam they call me pretty, sexy and lot of other things that make me feel as if somehow i was something special. It never happens to me in real life. What it is that i do on there, that i don't do in real life? perhaps in real life they can see that my pyjamas are dirty? perhaps they see the bags under my eyes.. who knows? perhaps men are afraid to say nice things to me in real life. i dont know. Maybe they are lying, but what for? its not like there going to get anything from me is it? i mean, im 1000s of miles away. I even get women admirers. They bug me and never go away.
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i think that on webcam, i become a different personality, someone who has lots more confidence and doesn't get hurt as easily as she should. I mean, on the internet, i don't care if people call me names, or get into arguements with me really. Thats the not the same as real life is it? in real life it hurts doesnt it? on the internet it doesnt hurt so much.
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i suppose most people on there are guys. I dont really have any competition. I guess the answer, is just to get rid of all the other women in the world, and then real life will get a bit better for me?
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oh well.. maybe i should just become middle class and ask my friends kids how school is...

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perhaps the real meaning of the internet is that you can make friends and talk about things that in real life, are just too difficult. Perhaps webcam is somewhere you can feel the emotions that you don't let yourself feel in real life, eh?