angry woman!

i was quite appalled today.

why?

because i went to drop my children of at the local nursery. There was some kind of stall that was giving away little nicki-nacky kids things so i had a look.

a lady confronts me, and gives me a questionaire, basically asking if i was suffering from, or, if i knew anyone who was suffering from domestic violence.

its appalling, my partner knows the people at this nursery and he drops them of as often as i do. Yet, while he's not there, like the true cowards they are, they ask me in so many words, if he is guilty of beating me up. You know, i have standards, and this was disgusting.

who the hell do these people think they are? seriously, who are they? they think they know better than my own relationship with my husband? how dare they try and stick their nose in MY relationship!

all around were posters saying 'does he make you feel small?' - isn't domestic violence a unisex subject? aparently not. I normally ignore this kind of thing, but you could replace the he with blacks, whites, and suddenly it would become wrong wouldn't it? I can see that. Im not an airheaded sheep.

you know what, this is a sure start, state run nursery, its a kids place. They are encouraging women to snitch on their unsuspecting husbands. I have to say im horrified by it. Im starting to worry about what other propanganda they are trying to put in my kids heads..

i feel like the sad truth is, that these people rarely find anyone who is actually suffering from domestic violence, they just construct witch-hunts against innocent and decent caring men who can't control themselves socially very well. I've seen how men act, in situations like this. They cower away in the corner.

enough is enough. I've always said i would stand up for decent family men, and i am absolutely disgusted by this.

you know, i think domestic violence is appalling, but i also think that air headed people trying to destroy family relationships at a local nursery, is just as appalling. There was another man there, he often drops of his kids. Nobody gave him anything, nobody gave him any information, or nicky-nacks. He was isolated, left alone. I felt sorry for him, but i felt more angry at the way these people thought that i was more interested in them, than in my husband.. that i would snitch on him, for their cause?

the only question is, what do i do about it? how do i support my man in such a hostile situation?

and how do men cope with this kind of situation, and why dont they start standing up for themselves? perhaps i was wrong about machoman. Im starting to like him.

or maybe they deserve it for letting things get into this state..

wow i really am going from one extreme to another!

im a roller coaster

im confused

i just realised im not banned anymore from antimislaundry.com. I went back there and i have to say im really confused about this whole thing. Part of me wants to go back in there, because i do believe in the family with men in it, i can see through lots of the lies some women and men have told, and i do believe in some of the things they talk about. I dont want people to feel bad, and unhappy. Its not right.

but, the problem is, im just about to say something when suddenly i think of all the men that have treated me badly in my life. Men who have treated me like i had no feelings and that i was a peice of shit. Men who have made me feel that i am worthless and that i have no value for anybody. Men who have made me wish i was dead.

How can i possibly support them? am i supporting them if i go back in?

they think they are something new, and yet all i really see is the same old know-it-all insensitive men that i have come to recognise and have developed a huge distaste for. Im so confused about it all. I just don't beleive them, i dont think they care about anyone? and yet for some unknown reason to me, i am still drawn towards them. Deep down, they dont care about each other.. do they? deep down, i mean...

its all lies isnt it, just like before? when it comes to an end, their ideas, theories and ego are more important than someone elses feelings arent they?

why should i let myself get involved in this again, open my heart again for people who do not care?

im asking a question here. nobody ever answers it, do they?

maybe its in my nature to be drawn to the people that treat me the worst..

its difficult isnt it? when you are not accepted for who you are..

im confused.. what do i do?

my new obsessions!!

dear diary..

i haven't forgot about you, i've just been a bit busy lately and i've become obsessed with air crashes. There is a program thats on everynight on national geographic channel and its more interesting than going on the internet, so im now an expert on air crashes!!

i'll come back soon when i've got something interesting to say! dont forget about me!

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did you know that those planes can fly without engines?? i always thought that they would just fall out of the sky with a big 'plosh!'

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isn't that interesting!?

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there was one that ran out of fuel above the atlantic and managed to glide to the azore islands, and nobody was hurt at all.

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and also i found this geography quiz game where you have to click on the cities its giving me a headache but its one of those addictive things that you can stop playing.

hello! im here hello!! can you hear me?! angry man!

something thats been getting on my nerves a bit lately, is every time i speak to a bloke about gender relations, im met by a torrent of abuse about how women supposedly are. I feel like they direct it at me! yeah.. its all my fault isnt it?
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and you, of course! are blameless arent you!
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its all her fault isnt it my little one!
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anyway, i sit there twiddling my thumbs, umming and erring and feeling a bit uncomfortable while thinking.. you just dont have a clue do you! you are so blinded by your hatred of women that you can't even see it when one is sitting in front of you who doesn't fit your stereotypes!

women are materialistic, intolerant, illogical, nasty, bitchy, blah blah blah, ma ma ma, ba ba ba...
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well... next time you've been married to the entire 3 billion women in the world, then maybe we'll talk about that eh? Its not my fault you've got no taste, is it?
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im getting rather bothered by hearing this again and again. Im not a human punch bag, and i have feelings too you know? no... you dont know do you!
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Im not the type of person to start arguments but one of these days im going to tell them exactly what i think of men! and im going to tell it to them as if it were there own personal fault and that they are responsible for it..
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if we are to get on, somewhere someone has to compromise.. and its not going to be me forever is it my sunshine?
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im starting to lose my patience a bit and its not like me.
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i really dont know if they are talking to me, or talking through me or what they are doing.
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hello! im here hello!! can you hear me! angry man!
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next time this happens im going to say that three times and maybe they'll go away and leave me to face my fate in peace..

¡te quiero, Pepé!

My husband and my children are not here today. Actually, they have been away for five days, visiting my parents-in-law in españa.

'Its good isn't it?' i tell myself, good that N. and L. get to hear some castellano for a change.. english can be such a soul destroying language at times. It's good that A. has time to see old friends.. its good that my little girls get to know their grandparents.. yes its all good, except here i am, alone again. Its not good for me, i need to have people around me. I never used to be like that, but now i understand that its people that make my life colourful. I can survive for a while without them, but my life soon becomes empty and directionless.

Tonight i looked in the mirror at myself. I have a heart shaped necklace and i looked at it, thinking.. this is what life is. I have a heart inside me, just like the one on this necklace except mine is real.. its beating and it keeps me warm.. it makes me carry on, and yet, nobody is here to notice. Nobody can hear these thoughts that i have in my life. Nobody can see if im smiling or sad. My only friend is a computer screen, a keyboard and pepé the cuddly teddy bear, who keeps me company at night. Poor old pepé, i feel guilty if i don't tuck him in properly, and i hold his hand at night before we both fall asleep.

i think that the night is the worst part about being alone. When it goes dark, the whole ambience of the house changes. Suddenly i am aware if the door is locked or not. I hear someone talking outside the window, we live in a red brick terraced house. We don't have a front garden, just a pretty little window box that i have neglected recently.. still i guess the pansies will flower this week. Something to look forward too. Anyway, i hear voices outside, i am suddenly worried that they are intending to enter. When its day, i don't feel threatened like this.. i think the silence in the house is strange so when i go to bed that i lock the bedroom door. It makes me feel more secure. I put an extra pillow on A's side of the bed.. i think that if someone comes in, nobody can see i'm in bed.

what else am i supposed to do at night? i don't have a car, and i live in a not-so-great area of a not-so-important town in the middle of a cold and empty country. I feel scared to leave the house on my own. I don't really have any friends since my children were born, my whole life has become devoted to them, and now they aren't here. Maybe i'll go upstairs and watch a video.. lets see what do we have? the sixth sense? i've seen that one, and its got scary music.. not such a great thing, when its dark outside and your alone honey..

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well.. you know, im sorry pepé, its how i feel. I know you are up there keeping my bed ready for me really. You are like my third child, but i treat you badly when the others are around. I know that, i hope that one day you will understand why.. I promise you're going to have a proper mummy from now on ok?

well.. anyway, i've decided to come on here and spill out my feelings onto this strange website again. I sometimes go on webcam when i feel like this. I talk to some friendly, and yet distant and untouchable people on the internet. tonight, though, i just don't want to be stared at.

so i guess that its and i'm stuck in all alone again. I suppose that at least today i went out for a walk before it got dark. You know what happend? as usual, i was feeling self conscious and irratable, but i began wondering.. do we ever really notice the people who walk by? do they notice me, or are we still alone even when we're walking down the road?

today, while i walked, i saw two tall and handsome young men in army uniforms crossing the road. Did they realise that i am alive and have a heartbeat too? Did they notice when i walked past them? What goes on in their lives, do i notice them? do they feel their heart beating when they are alone, just like i do? I have so many questions that im afraid to ask and we see so many people every day. Who knows what has happend to them in their time. Are they happy or are they sad? I often wonder this when i see them pass me by. Today i saw two old men walking with each other. They seemed happy didn't they? have i seen anyone else today who was sad? i don't know.. maybe its more difficult to tell when someone is sad. Perhaps im not looking hard enough for it. Do they see that i am sad?

there is a whole lot of things to see in the world, every day.. but when im alone, i have nobody to tell, apart from pepé. I hope that he's not sad too..

oh well, i suppose i should really enjoy these feelings while they are there. Maybe thats what i have to learn from today...

its all about me!!

i've been banned from antimisandry! yay.... but you can't stop me saying what i think!

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i just want to highlight some of the immense comments of support i have recieved since the fated decision!

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dear annette:

"Do you even realize how she must be creaming in her panties (excuse me, KNICKERS) just thinking about how she...ONE PERSON...caused this entire forum to talk about HER? The ultimate female fantasy: FULL ATTENTION...... When a woman is as annoying and whiny as FC is, its because she needs a good seeing-to"

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its such a shame they banned me, i was just starting to like you. i think me and you could have got along really well!!

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well, er.. actually.. maybe not.
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from jbgood2:

"She got you guys fighting amongst yourselves right? Just like she set out to do! 'It's all about me". She's got the T shirt! "

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what a great idea! its not a t-shirt, its a crappy bit of paper, but result is the same! and i dont have a screen printer.. as you can see all i have is a cheap webcam and a free paint program.

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its time to start writing some proper things again, isnt it? i've wasted too much time in this republica bananera havent i?

feminism, bouvet island, the outback and poor little penguins!

i've become really interested in geography lately, there is so much in the world that i dont know about. We downloaded google earth, isnt that amazing! you can even see our little terraced red brick house on it!

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anyway, a friend of mine, K., just got back from australia and she says that she wants to drive across the continent, apparently there is a road right through the middle..

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so, i got on google earth, found the road and did the journey myself! it only took five minutes though..

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isn't australia a strange place, its like 1000's of miles of orange sand, with some bushes, and then this lonely little road going all the way through the middle.

it got me thinking, how lonely some places in the world are. Apparently the most remote island in the world is called bouvet island. I guess its pronounced in a french way, like "boo-vey"? Its like an iceberg with an anchor!!

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apparently, its so far away that the nearest place is antarctica and that has no people living there either? There is a thread now about it in my forum:

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http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi?board=geography&action=display&thread=1192634786

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anyway, this is my solution to the gender problem.

get all the MRA's and radical feminists, put them in a big wooden pirate ship and make them row all the way to bouvet island, and then make them stay there for ever and ever and ever!! Maybe they will evolve into penguins!!?

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i bet they'd end up having sex with each other!! hypocrites eh?

take the test - are you from planet neptune??

its here!! the test you've all been waiting for!
click below to take the test and find out!!

http://www.gotoquiz.com/welcome_to_planet_neptune

pleaselet me know what you got, leave me a comment!!

oh and don't forget to visit the new planet neptune forum..

http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi

october

i haven't really got much to write about lately.. its raining outside, but i don't feel down. October is a nice month really, i always feel like its the calm before the long nights draw in and the real cold begins.

I always get out the winter clothes around now, make space in a draw and get rid of the twins summer clothes. October is always a month where things change isn't it? The trees are slowly becoming orange, the strange party feel about life that you get in the summer is gone. There is still a nice scent in the air of what once was, but its blowing away in the wind..

I'd really love the autumn, but I know that winters coming along soon.

i used to like winter when i was little. we used to get snow back then? what has happend to it all, we never get any anymore. Snow always made the place look so pretty. I remember i used to wake up every winter morning with my fingers crossed that it had snowed! i opened the curtain and... nope.. it hadn't oh well, maybe tommorow.

anyway, you know sometimes when you get involved in things and you eventually come out of it? you look back and think... amazing, did i really believe in that? i'm a bit like that now..

i think that im in october in more than just the date on the top of the page. Its a time of change in my life, the way i feel about the world is changing.

recently, i've been lost inbetween feeling pretty down in the dumps, looking after children, trying to show my partner how important and how much i love him, while getting mixed up in a strange cult like movement called the male rights movement (mrm).

i don't really know how i got involved in it, but i know that at the beginning i was actually quite frightened by the mrm and thought i'd better find out what it was about. I had always felt that some things weren't fair to the male gender, and suspected that they might have a case sometimes. Not to mention the things that are unfair to women, and its about time i started talking about that more.. but, it's true, some things aren't fair to them.

the problem men have, is almost always they have brought it on themselves. I see the mrm as a movement of lonely people, when they write, i can feel the pain that they have in their lives. They don't understand that life is about life. Its about the moment, not the future..

you know what? i was completely wrong to be scared of them.

the mrm are no threat to anyone, they are really just another bunch of people lost in their own head and have an inability to relate properly to the rest of the world. Its part of the human condition i suppose, im not saying they are bad people, just misguided. When people are selfish, it eventually shines through and you'd have to be really stupid not to see it in the mrm. Im not saying that there aren't lots of stupid people out there, bless them, but, there is something in the macho psyche, that makes them completely unaware of how the rest of the world views them.

you know what? i actually quite like the world as it is, im pretty happy at the moment. I suspect those people aren't. I think thats why im drawn to them, its in my nature to want to understand and feel other peoples pain. I dont know why im like that, nobody can ever feel mine... but you know, there is no world wide conspiracy against them.. its because.. well.. they are men who forgot how to enjoy life. it seems to me, they are incapable of having fun anymore.

I suppose that they walk down the road, and look at everything they hate about the world. They look at women like me, and they hate us because we exist? They don't see the hanging basket with the geraniums outside the house, they missed it. Its gone now.. Thats what im trying to say, that feeling bad, is about focusing on bad things. What have we done to them? we haven't done anything, we, just like anyone else, are just trying to get on with our lives in the best way we know. If you look for the bad in the world, you will find it. Its important to know that my sunshine.

I'm still drawn to them though, i admit that.. i'm always interested in people and their wierd worlds, but i think thats where my interest finishes now? The summer has now gone and the world is beginning to change again. I dont think that there is any reason to be afraid of that is there?

It takes humility and sensitivity to make a good world for yourself. Extreme people in my opinion, dont know how to do this, or they forgot about it.. you know, it's not about competition, its about understanding isnt it?

What i can say to people lost in the bad feeling of any group like the mrm, is that when you talk about loyalty, you mean intolerance. When you talk about brothers, you mean slaves. When you talk about women, you mean people who are trying to be happy. If you are really that intellegent, why are you in the situation you are in? Have you asked yourself that? why can't you hear what im saying..

its october, and things change. but it has to come from the inside, not from the outside.

next time you walk down the road, don't hate me. Why do you all hate me? Remember that i told you to look at the flowers. remember that you can choose to see the good in life, but you have to know that there is no party.. there is no crowd cheering you on. It's about noticing the flowers, instead of seeing the storm coming in. Next time you feel hate, remember me, and look for the flowers..

in the night garden

dear diary,

i just wanted to write something down tonight because i've just had such a wonderful night. Tonight my faith in life has been restored so much i can't say how much because i just feel so happy like i've got a feeling in my stomach, i just dont want to ever go to sleep again! my fingers are tingling while im writing this and im smiling like i haven't smiled all week long.

whats happend tonight? well..

firstly i had a good hair day today.. always a vital part of any good day (why is that, isn't it bloody annoying?) but that happens all the time nothing special right?

well ok but next, im waiting to go to my class, i bloody hate classes i always get really nervous before i go, like the whole worlds going to end when i walk in the room. That feeling i get when i walk in if nobody is talking they all stare at me and wait while i agonisingly get my folder and pen out of my bag. Why am i a teacher???

Tonight, they were all nice to me! wow isn't that just so nice. Yeah, thats why im a teacher!

anyway, thats not all.. thats just the beggining!

i was talking to a friend of mine on webcamera. I love webcamera you can meet a whole world of people in like, 20 minutes before you have to go out. Isn't it novel eh? well anyway, D. has a little girl and she's watching TV! i don't know what it is about men looking after babies but they just make me feel like life is worthwhile. She looks like her dad, one more for the good! D. is someone who makes me feel like life is worthwhile. Sometimes its ok to say how you feel right?

anyway that's not all that made me smile,

...i got back from my class, and i read a letter an internet friend of mine, otis.. he has commented on here before. He had written back to somebody that hates me. I just couldn't believe it, someone supporting me??? lol, take that you nasty people! O. hates women? or does he just believe in seperation of the sexes? im not sure. I think he's someone who hasn't learnt how to seduce women properly yet... but maybe im the naive one? Maybe he knows and hes not interested in us. He's got all the tools, and he knows that we always want what we can't have..but he's too scared of using them isnt he? Its too easy for him he wants more of a challenge right?

anyway, heres what he wrote..

http://antimisandry.com/average_age-t7374p11.html?t=7374&page=11

O. seems to be another person who has actually made me believe in people again. Its not often that happens and when it does, i think its important that I recognise it. The last time someone made me feel like i do now was ages ago - i wrote a post about it, the link is..

http://luciavega.blogspot.com/2007/06/this-is-short-post.html

i don't really hate anyone, i feel awkward with some people, and some i feel like they hate me, but i can't really return it for long.. I don't think that there is that much to life, but people who make me feel accepted, are the best thing in my life. I suppose thats why we love being with kids so much.

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sometimes in life its difficult to see the good in people because we don't know how to show it. We never learn how to express positive sides to ourselves because we get rejected for it when we are young? or maybe we are rejected during our whole lives.

is that right? i don't know i don't really understand why some people are nasty, when its not neccesary. I don't know maybe im guilty of that too.

Still im a pisces and were all a bit like that aren't we. To lost in ourselves and not aware of the funfair that goes on around us??? typical fishies.

anyway, i have to go to bed.. well actually, i ought to go to bed, but tommorow i won't feel like this so best to write it down now?

so.. O., D. and especially mini-D, thankyou, because you've really made my night..

crash!

i had a minor car accident on monday. I've never had one before and so its a bit of a strange experience.

what happend was i was trying to turn right, and i couldn't see anything because there were two parked cars blocking the view. I looked right, looked left and then just as i was looking right again, a motorcycle appeared out of knowhere. I stopped the car, i'd hardly pulled out at all and i remember thinking.. wow that was close.

but then, he slowed down but his bike started wobbling all over the place and he eventually crashed right into the front of our car (my dads fancy car). I remember watching him getting closer and closer and thinking, what is he doing?!

then when he smashed i thought you idiot!

but what happend next? two people ran to him and one offered to be his witness? they were asking him if he was ok, nobody looked at me.

they pushed his bike up and then the first thing he did was ask a nearby woman to be his witness.

i was still in a bit of shock, but i got out of the car and asked him if he was ok. No answer. We swapped details and he drove off. My kids were in the back of the car and by now were getting anxious. He never bothered asking us how we were.

What did this do to me? it made me think i was responsible, that i had been at fault. I started getting nervous, anxious and worried. I've never crashed before and im a safe driver. I kept blaming the parked cars, and not him.

anyway. the point is, that a few days later having seen the evidence, that his motorcycle crashed into the front of our car, and not the side, it means its impossible that i had pulled out too far. He would have hit the side of our car, not the front.

with this evidence, i started to think, actually.. he wasn't wobbling, he was out of control. Any suitable driver would NEVER have crashed into me. He was going to fast around a blind corner and he couldn't control his vehicle. Imagine if a kid had pulled out in front of him, what then?

Im pretty upset, because he pretended his leg was hurt and everyone ran to him. Yet his leg wasn't hurt enough to go running to find his witness was it. His leg wasn't hurt enough for him not to just get up on his bike and zoom of again. He faked it, and we all fell for it. He got all the sympathy and witnesses on his side. Clearly, i was dealing with an experienced crasher!

and yet, the evidence shows that it was clearly his fault. Is there something wrong with me?, that when i crashed i was actually concerned that everyone was ok? he only appeared concerned with winning his court case which will im sure be fought out. Why did everyone take his side, when he was at fault?

you know why? because in life, people like him, have made decent people into losers. People like him are actors, people who manipulate situations in their favour. He even manipulated me into thinking it was my fault.

My dad assured me that its not physically possible for it to have been my fault. I never once felt guilty, not until he pretended to be injured and people ran to him asking if he was ok.

One minute i was thinking, 'you bloody moron!' the next i was thinking 'oh my god, what have i done!'.. what had changed my attitude so completely?? he had manipulated me by pretending to be injured, pretending to be the victim, when it was his fault. Its scary isn't it.

anyway neither of us were hurt, nor my kids (who he never even knew where in the car, he didn't care about us at all).

maybe what i should have done is jumped out the car, and started screaming. Saying 'oh my god why did you run into my car?'... 'why were you driving so fast around a blind corner?!', .. 'i have kids here'.. maybe if i'd lied and made up how much i was damaged and manipulated the situation, i might be in a better position now. Maybe i wouldn't have to sit here and write down why i feel so upset?

maybe if i was a worse person, a nastier person who doesn't care, maybe i'd be ok..

road accidents apparently show the true face of people.. there are those that care, and there are those that care about themselves, i mean, what other conclusion can i possibly draw from that?

maybe i should stop drawing conclusions and start looking after myself properly? perhaps thats the lesson i need to learn.

actually, having thought about it the real morale of the story is if you crash with a motorcycle, be careful, because even if its their fault, they are going to seem like the victim. Make sure you photograph everything that happens.

Aint life wierd eh?

dear diary

i sometimes feel like my life is empty. Its not like a real thing, its just a feeling i get inside, in my stomach and it goes right up to my heart. Sometimes i wonder if my heart will just stop beating because i don't have the energy to keep it going.

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i felt like that last night, and i don't know where to turn. I can give my partner a cuddle, but the feeling of emptyness doesn't go away. I love him, i love him so much, love, is when you care. Its not about sex, or kissing, or going out to restaurantes. Thats something else isnt it?

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Sometimes im really amazed by the things people do in life. You turn on the television and you see adverts, and programs, all about the excitement of life, the things that happen. I never felt part of it. Its like a big party thats going on around you that you cannot touch.

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In my life i've found very few things that actually make me happy and smile. When my daughters call me, the sound of their voice makes me feel like im needed, like i do have a part in that party that is going on around me. I can be intimate with them without fear of agression. I suppose the relationship changes over time but i love being a mother, its the best thing i ever found in life.

There are also certain sexual encounters when suddenly felt alive, like suddenly there is a world going on inside me. I've spent far too long in my life trying to find that kind of situation. It always relates to me trying to be this perfect woman, and when i look in the mirror i am reminded of how far away from it i am.

Sex is like that, its something you spend your whole life thinking is so important, but you then spend your whole life trying to be something your not. That first sexual encounter, when you feel turned on for the first time. It leaves an imprint in your mind and can consume your whole life trying to find it again. Why else do we have plastic surgery, endless diets and the rest? We are looking for something that's already happend. I guess we'll never find it again.

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That feeling of emptyness inside is why i argue, its why i cry and why i spend hours in front of a mirror making sure every single hair is in the right place. Im running away from it, im hiding and pretending that there is something more to life than emptyness.

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There isn't is there? I fill it with red bull, with internet forums, arguements, clothes, hairstyles, music, travelling and languages. Im running away from it, just like i did from school when i was young.

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When my mum left me at school when i was 6 i looked around and i saw faces that i didn't recognise, people talking to me about things i didn't understand, rooms that i did not know, children laughing, while i felt terrified. I just ran, i just felt like i couldn't stay there. I suppose i spend alot of my life feeling like that. She never used to pick me up from school. I remember leaving and watching everyone elses mothers smiling at them, i just had to walk home alone. There was a tree at the bottom of the road and i used to pretend it was her.. everytime i walked home from school, i wished that tree would turn into my mum, but it never did.

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Then, when i was bullied by a group of people at secondary school, i lost my trust in people. I still haven't got that back, and i still see the bullies everywhere i go. Different faces, different names, but the same face, the same feeling of vulnerability. I'm scared of people. Still, i guess that nobody knows that, apart from me.

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When i go in to teach classes, i smile and pretend to be a really nice person, a good teacher. The truth is that i don't feel comfortable. I hate being looked at, i hate attention. I don't really know why im a teacher, but if i do nothing i just look in the mirror and end up wanting to slit my wrists.

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At least since i had children, i now feel like my life has meant something. I suppose this is what im saying, that watching something grow, caring and giving everything you can to someone that you love, is the only real answer to that emptyness. Isn't it funny that cleaning poo out of a potty, is actually what makes me happy. Life is full of little contradictions like that. Aint it wierd eh?

love from fruit cake

i left a mens rights forum behind me a week or so ago. I went in there thinking i was mad, like i was a fruit cake. I came out thinking i was normal and they were the fruit cakes..

so i've lifted off the sea and took to the skies!

I never went back there but after talking to D, who i've grown really friendly with from the forum, i went back there and did a search on the thing he said as i enjoy reading his comments. I was amazed to find that there was lots of posts refering to me and even a thread written about me there, this is the link..

http://antimisandry.com/lucia_vega-t7244.html?t=7244

aparently i have the moral depth of a pool of urine! no idea what that means. I dont really understand his post, but hey.. any publicity is good publicity!

everyone at that place always called me thick, stupid, un-intellegent and a feminist... later on ugly and a transvestite, but anyway..

if im so stupid and everything, why are you writing a thread about me? I think people there hated me so much because i represented an opinion that they had not thought about properly.

Still, there you go.

the thing is, that they go on about how awful women are, and that we are emotional and blah de blah blah, but, i did want to help them during my time there. I think they are going to miss me, im happy they haven't forgotten me. Im like the girl that took their virginity away from them. You never forget the first one...

one day some of them will think about me, and suddenly understand what i was saying. Others will forget about me just like you forget about picking up the mail when it comes through the door in the morning.

I suppose, in a funny way, i'll miss them too and i did learn somethings about myself. Thanks guys, for making me feel normal again..

lifes pretty short isn't it.

love fruit cake.

oh yeah and ps. i have a message board now so if you want to continue to slag me off, or you need to talk to someone who cares.. then the address is..

http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi

running, ducks and waiting for a resolution..

im in one of those moods tonight, where you feel like your leaving something behind, like the sun is setting on a part of your life and you haven't yet found anything to put in its place? its like you are faced with the empty reality of life once again and you need something quickly to distract you?

i've changed alot today. isn't it funny how you can go years without changing and then overnight you are a different person?

you know, its been a nice day today, A. goes out in the morning, so i'm left with the kids until 12:30. We went down to the river to feed the ducks, its really nice down there early in the day, not many people around, everyone smiles at each other. Im starting to really enjoy parenting. Its the best thing about my life by along way and i don't know how i lived with out it.

However, it got a bit scary because N. and L. can't throw very far so alot of the bread ended up landing on the shore and meant the swans came to get it. Their such big animals aren't they and we had to move on before they gobbled us up along with the bread.

So anyway, i get back home and they want some crisps (i'd used it as a bribe to get them out of the park as i was getting bored). So i give them crisps. Next they want some toasties.. im thinking, well, you've had crisp now you want toast and jam? you only had breakfast 2 hours ago. You're gonna get fat so i had to say no.. tears results! anyway, its a usual morning for me.

Then we go to pick up A. in the car, as he's walked in earlier and he's arranged to meet a friend. I get a bit of free time as the twins are with my mum and i decided to go for a run. I got my pants on, threw on a navy green vest and of i go..

running has always been one of my favourite past times. When you're out there, the only thing you have to worry about is keeping going. All the problems of life disapear for a while and its like an escape. Its nice out running mid week, nobody around, the odd fisherman here or there. Everyone smiles at me and i smile back.

nearly an hour later i get back and im exhausted. So i decide to clean the floor. Its full of orange juice and mixed in with all the dirt trodden in from the back garden. Then i have a bath, shave my armpits and go to pick up the twins.

we get home and we're all tired, L. wants to use my legs as a slide, well.. ok. but it hurts doesn't it.

of to bed go the twins, i manage to creep out without L. telling me to 'sit there'. Its always L, i think N is like her father and sleeps like a rock. (why did i say that! she's just woken up.. oh well better finish of quickly)

so here i am, looking for a new direction, writing here in my blog, and waiting for some kind of idea to sweep me away into another world to discover... (after i've gone upstairs and settled N. down that is!)

my last post on the mens movement.

this is supposed to be my final post on the freak show....oops i mean the mens movement. I feel like its time to move on to find something else to interest me..

i've been involved in two forums, and the truth is, i don't feel like i've come across more than 2 or 3 people who are involved in productive relationships with the opposite sex. The people involved in these forums are mostly life's losers and they want revenge. Just like the radical feminists before them, some may eventually move on, others, are intent on destruction. All are unhappy and all hate women.

its quite interesting to look at the contradictions within their stories..

when i went out on sunday with A. and my daughters to the local festival, all i saw were families, dads and mums, kids playing. Its all normal isn't it. We are normal aren't we..

Then, when i go to work, i teach lots of men languages, and they smile, take part and generally enjoy themselves, and yet..

when i enter in a mens rights forum, all i hear is sob stories about how they've been abused by this that or the other. How hard they have it, how awful women are. All i hear are insults, aggression and nastyness towards me.

men in reality like me, men in mens rights forums hate me. Interesting isn't it, how desperate people, normally have to drag others down to their level.

you know, whenever i go down to the local supermarket, i see well dressed, handsome young men, and yet..

when i enter in a mens rights forum all i hear are men who probably don't brush their teeth or cant even wipe their bum properly. Its not womens fault you are ugly and you stink. (of course there is one exception, i hope he knows who he is, his name begins with D and...)

most women want to have loving relationships with people who understand us, not with people who cannot tolerate us. Thats why these men are all alone, intolerance. They are intolerant of women, and they use 'male rights' as an excuse to put forward their real agenda...

why is it, that if i am so clever, and so brilliant, why does nobody love me? Why am i alone and yet all these entitlement fruit cake princess women are not.

yes thats the question you have to ask yourself macho man, and the answer is pretty simple.. its because you are thick, and intolerant, and you are not a woman and you are not capable of understanding a woman. You cannot understand love, you can only understand dominance. You define reality through agression, not through caring. You are a loser and feminism destroyed you 50 years ago.

your only understanding of relationships is one of break down and pain. If i was married to one of you, i would escape with my children too..

yes, its your male ego, not women, that has destroyed any chance you have of happiness. Well, tough shit. I don't care anymore. You're the losers, and im bored of you.

and always remember..

for every screw up in the mens movement, there are 50 involved in normal productive relationships with western women. I, just like most women i know, believe in the majority of men, not the extremist freaks like you..

and before you tell me about how some women are involved in the mens movement, just to add..

for every screw up woman in the mens movement, there are 500,000,000 who are happily getting on with their lives thanks to feminism and the women who put themselves on the line for us in the past. we are normality, and you are..well.. freaks?

i feel like its time to finish here. Its upto you, men, you either listen to women, like me, who are the majority in reality, but the small minority in your world, and move on and maybe learn something new..

or you listen to macho man, at home in his anonymous forum. Laugh with him while he insults women, but become afraid to show your face, an outcast in reality. While he consumes your soul bit by bit you will end up like him, bitter, lost and lonely. You'll even say you don't believe in relationships anymore.

its upto you but im bored and its time for me to move on.

children, jungles, wierdos and transvestites

dear diary,

im going to write about the way i feel tonight. Its been a nice day. We went to the local jungle gym (always good because you can just chat while your kids have fun) and i always like those places, with mothers and their children. The occasional awkward, yet, friendly looking father.

its so nice to feel normal sometimes, to feel like you're just like everyone else. Just another family with their children, trying to make sure that the children get the most out of their day. Of course, whilst also having to manage your own tiredness.. after all, its not good lying down on the couch when you get back, you have to get them to bed don't you!?

Tommorow im back on my own again, more work, but more attention from my daughters.. great!

anyway, what i really want to talk about is that im not sure how i feel about things right at this point in time. I've been arguing on an internet forum lately, and stubborn as i always have been, sooner or later, the weaker people, the mixed up and confused ones, always turn on me. What it is that i do, i don't know, nor do i care, but its an interesting sociological carachteristic.

what i want to talk about is how far i have come to understand the male rights movement in my time involved in it. I started out a few months ago, and now it feels like a lifetime later, i know alot more about it.

I've learned that the male rights movement, just like practically every other social movement, is a group of damaged individuals who unite against what they percieve as a common enemy, lately, me, but generally feminism, or to be honest, women.

The degree of damage varies. Some of them are just ordinary blokes, who've probably been involved in the wrong relationship, once or a few times. They feel upset, and hurt, and alone in their feelings. I think that they genuinely try and not blame all women for what has happend to them, but often fail, which i suppose, is human isn't it.

Underneath, i tend to like this type of person, and i feel that with just a little guidance in the right direction, they will be able to leave the hatred and bad feeling that is central to the male rights movement (MRM from now on) behind them. I don't really know how to help them, but i can try and i've always hoped that they will prove to me that what i beleive, that men do care, is true.

However, likewise to all movements of people, they are mixed up with, should i say 'infiltrated' by much more damaged people. People who were either born bad, or developed it pretty quickly. Men within the MRM who are like this, and men in general too, are normally fairly easy to spot. They have no ability to relate to the ordinary. Their entire world is based on abstract ideas of what they believe their enemy (me and, ultimately women) to be. They are scary people because they do not feel anything anymore. I've talked about franco and his lack of feeling, these are the same.

I suppose in evolutionary terms, they serve a purpose, what that is? don't know.. don't care.

the thing that worries me, is that they will lead astray the ordinary man, and fill him with their hatred, malice and agression. They are bad seeds, born with evil inside them.. they are the bullies at school, and they continue bullying throughout their life. They don't bully with their fists, they bully with their nose. They look down it. Nobody stands up to them. I got bullied badly at school, and i will never ever back down again to people who think do not have genuine intentions. I will say it to their face, and i will say it again and again and again. Im a stubborn old goat, and i can see them coming a mile away.

why do they hate us, women, so much? more importantly, why do they hate ordinary people so that they have to live in the abstract. They have to live in a world of ideas, and theories. I live in a world, of dirty nappies, smiles, tears and cuddles. Im happy, despite all my insecurities, fears and worries... I suspect, that they aren't.

one in particular really tried to have a go at me. Im pretty perceptive, and i suspected this one was a bit strange right from the beggining. He called me ugly and later, a transvestite, as if this part was somehow worse than the first. Well, i wish i was a transvestite, then i wouldn't have to worry about all the female insecurities that i have to face day in day out. I could just go whoosh! and they would all disapear and i could put on a football kit and have a game down pub with the lads. I bloody wish he was right.

Ugly? well, i've been called every name under the sun in my time, ugly isn't a frequent one. Its funny how people who daren't show their face, call other people names isn't it. Ugly? i suspect he's projecting himself outwardly. Im not scared of showing my face, i like it, i've always liked the way i look. I like the way other people look, when i think they are caring.

anyway, what most people call me, when they are being nasty to me, is crazy, or fruit cake. My parents call me selfish. Its funny, how different people can percieve the same person isnt it. Still, im not complaining, i reckon i look pretty dam good for my age, im not fat, im certainly not ugly, im married to someone that i think is god, and i have the most beautiful intellegent children i've ever seen (i would say that wouldn't i!). Every good parent thinks that, im sure.

anyone who has found happiness, and companionship. anyone who has had children can understand what i am talking about. The people that live in the abstract.. well, let them get on with it, they can take their abstract and give it a cuddle when nobody comes to bed with them. when they feel alone they can feel proud of how intellegent they are. They can talk about their theories to the empty seat at the dinner table. When they feel like they are good looking they can look in the mirror and remind themselves of it. Nobody else cares, nobody else is around to care.

anyway, i continue to learn more about this movement, one day i suppose i will write a book on it. I'll stick my ugly transvestite picture on the back!

im sure it'll sell 1000 times better!

men are just so logical, aren't they!

why do i keep hearing this statement from different areas of the male rights movement??

men are logical and women are emotional and illogical...

so, men are logical are they?

men are so logical that they hijack aeroplanes and fly them into buildings to kill as many innocent people as possible don't they?

men are so logical that they get married to a woman who steels their kids and all their money don't they?

yes, its male logic that makes them drive too fast and therefore the unsafest drivers with highest insurance premiums isnt it?

and, of course, its male logic that makes them pick up a gun and go and fight a war in a foriegn country based on a male politicians 'logical' lies right?

oh yeah but then theres male logic in action when they eat so much they weight half of a ton.

male logic in action!

hey, but wait lets look at the serial killer ted bundy who used to strangle his female victims. He got frazzled in the electric chair... wow, i have to hand it to you guys, your just so logical!!

but, then if thats your idea of logic, well, you're welcome to it xxx

of course, women, were not logical are we. When we are being intimidated by men, instead of arguing we become illogical to avoid the situation don't we. So, illogical isnt it, to run away from a bully..

were so illogical that we commit far less violent crime, bring up far more human beings and have a far lower rate of heart attacks because, obviously, we cant handle the stress we've caused ourselves..

yes female emotional responses are completely illogical aren't they.. we don't have to have sex with the next man down the street, we generally keep ourselves clean and we created a movement called feminism to stand up for ourselves as a group.

yes, we're just so emotional and illogical, and you men.. you are just so logical.

the thing is, men, (i'll treat you as a group, because clearly, men, are a no more than a group of logical thinkers..)

the thing is, that you don't realise, that its your logic not ours.

are we learning yet?

to all the men in my life...

you never argue, you storm out
you are terrified of arguing in public
you always want to save face, in front of your friends

why do you do this?

what is it that you are scared of, and why is it that you never let me know?










what is it that your protecting me from? you know.. i never asked you for it...

what is it that is so scary that you cannot look at me and tell me?

España

dear diary,

how do i start writing this? well i suppose i'm going to write down what i've experienced, thought about and felt over the last 4 weeks.

my partner A. and i spend alot of our time travelling between countries, we work in Britain and whenever we get holidays we've always gone back to Spain.

A. is from there, yes i'm married to a spaniard, or 'spanish' as A. would prefer i called him as he hates the word spaniard. I suppose its not that nice a word is it? Both my daughters have dual nationality so A. is trying hard to make sure that they get an upbringing that reflects both their family origins, both spanish and from planet neptune.

i always respected that, in fact, i encouraged it, i always liked going to Spain and as a sociologist i was fascinated by its people, culture and history.

Spain has a unique modern history to that of the rest of western europe. It never took part in the second world war and the spanish base most of their recent identity on the result of the spanish civil war, won by Franco in 1938, shortly before the break out of the second world war.

Prior to Franco's victory Spain had for the first time elected a reformist left-wing government popular with the people. Franco's uprising crushed spains elected government and set up a dictatorship.

Franco was a small awkward looking man, and i suspect alot of his ideology was based around his own inability to compete with better looking men. He outlawed public shows of affection, as he had never got any when young? his wife stayed with him for the duration of his premiership, but his daughter was always rumoured to be adopted and i have suspicions that Franco just couldn't get it up. He hated people who had healthy sex lives.

In fact, wasn't hitler much the same? a slightly strange looking man (not THAT small though, which is a common misconception, hitler was actually around 5'9" so pretty average for a man of his generation). The only woman hitler ever really let himself desire was his neice Geli, and she commited suicide. Eva Brown was around for along time but did they really love each other? i doubt it. Hitler couldn't love anyone, neither could Franco, thats why they ended up the way they did.

Both had strange fantasy ideas about what women should be, innocent, beautiful and compliant. Hardly reality is it. I think they both wanted to control women and they failed.

anyway, Spain is probably due to Franco's repressive regime, a very conformist place, and although the young generations are slowly moving away from the past, when you walk down the main street in Santander, you would do well to spot a single old woman in trousers, or a single old man who was not wearing a chequed shirt and chinos. They all look the same, i suppose they were taught that when they were young, and nobody has ever stood up against it. Wierdos from planet neptune don't really fit in very well in spain.

This type of repression, freedom of expression, is perhaps only marginally better than the muslim world and i think spending a lifetime conforming to Franco's bitter ideas, has led to many feelings of bitterness and resentment amongst the old generation in Spain. Old people in Santander STARE at you. They look at you like you are filth if you are not wearing what they think is correct. I can think of 5 or 6 seperate occasions over the last month when that has happend to me. It's very intimidating, and if you come from a country where its considered rude to stare (britain) and combine that with lots of insecurity complexes and general low self esteem (me) it can really take some getting over. Yeah i've felt like total shit on many occasions there.

A. says that this is normal and you get used to it when you are born there. I can't get used to people staring nastily at me. Its horrible and it makes me feel like i am worthless. Its so hard to look them back in the eye, and im the type of person that avoids peoples stares when i can.

there are things i like about spain, but this isn't one of them.

Feminism hasn't yet hit Spain and as a young(ish) woman you have to be careful not to let them get to you. Some men in spain, especially older men, think it is their god given right to make you feel like shit. Its not just older men though, younger men have a very low opinion of women, i was out walking one night and it was a nice evening, one of those when it's warm and you can hear crickets singing in the background, when two young guys walk past me, stare at me and one of them whispers something to the other and they both laugh. They then walk on and shout something at a young girl across the road. Morons, they like feeling powerful by making women feel afraid and scared.

The only irony is that if you knew anything about Spain, you'd think these two guys were the typical spanish moron, who next week will be in the obituaries column of the local paper, having died in a motorcycle accident, crushed under some car somewhere, driven by another gilipollas as if he was fernando alonso in a residential area full of children playing. Macho man is alive and well in spain, and he will mow you down if you don't get out of his way.

they are so clever aren't they? until they are dead of course..

Spain needs some kind of feminine resistance to this, how far it goes is something that needs to be watched. Macho man in spain needs a leash putting round his neck.

I am aware of the evils of feminism in Britain, and english men are sometimes so ridiculously feminised, but something has to be done in Spain. Feminists are scary, but they normally aren't behind the wheel of a 10 ton truck trying to mow you down as you drive down the autopista.

the thought of how bad it must be in the muslim world is even more scary, but then who cares.. im not going to live in tehran anytime soon i hope.

i would complain wouldn't i though? im a woman and i dont understand that men are 'slaves to testosterone' do i? hahaha i dont care, it doesn't give you the right to ruin my life does it.

thats what i was told by a friend of my fathers recently, that men are 'slaves to testosterone'!

yeah, thats probably why he has 5 kids to 3 different mothers. such a slave isn't he.

anyway,

im pleased to be back for now, and my hair always looks much better in england. It gets so greasy in spain and looks like i've been licked and spat out by a cow.

oh yeah and i've lost 1kg! that has to be good news.

see you soon im going on holiday!!

im going to spain and i'll be back in about a month!

bye bye hope it doesn't rain too much!

xx

hola cariño

no se si leeras eso cariño, pero lo escribo por si acaso te sientes soli..

eres mi amor
mi mundo y
mi dios

y ya nos vemos dentro de un par de dias!

mis padres me han tratado bien estos dias, por fin
no puedo esperar comer una napolitana al lado tuyo

enseguida estoy alli..

d. xx

flowers, not guns

i realised something today, im no-where near as tough as i thought i was.

there is a guy in the anti-misandry forum who is taking all his personal hatred out in the world on me, im really scared of him. It occured to me just how you can get into situations like this.

i really really tried to be nice to him, i told him about my own insecurities and how maybe we could help each other, but he wouldn't accept it, and in fact, he was really aggresive against me and im glad that the internet is anonymous because he is really scary.

i know i can be a bitch, and i can wind people up and be insensitive sometimes, but i dont deserve what this person has been doing.

i was talking to another friend of mine on the same forum, and he says that sometimes people use internet forums to 'unload their emotional baggage', that i should just leave him to it and try and avoid him. He's right, sometimes i feel so close to men, and other times i feel like a world away. Today i expeirenced both of those feelings, so im tired and exhausted from an emotional roller coaster day.

still.. i had chance to go shopping and i bought myself a couple of dresses, so i feel good again now. Time to become feminine again.

i cant compete with men, i can't threaten them and i felt really scared today for the first time in a while. My partner is away on holiday and my kids are there too for a few days, so im feeling really lonely and i suppose any male attention i get right now, is just like.. wow, i love you so much. isnt life funny.

i offered this guy my hand in friendship, which is something i dont do normally these days, im scared of being hurt, but for the first time in my life, im actually glad i did the right thing.

he rejected it, he wants to hurt me, and make me feel like he feels. Well im sorry, but i dont, i feel good about myself, i gave you a chance to be friends with me, i could have cared for you, and worried about you.. treated you with love and with understanding, and you have thrown that away.

its funny how when you fear something so much you stop doing it, but then when you do it and it goes wrong, it can be a new found freedom in your life, something that can no longer scare you.

i haven't offered my hand in friendship for a long time, because i was scared of being rejected. now i've dont it, and been rejected, i feel no fear. Im happy with myself and maybe it can start a new chapter in my life.

tommorow, im going on holiday with my dad. he is a very caring, but highly emotional and reactionary person. I think he's very unhappy, he constantly searches for respect from his male friends, what is it about men that they feel so worried about how their friends see them, they are obssessed with status.

i think im going to find something else new tommorow -

i like this story, im getting better at reading it. Im not a big and tough, im a weak, emotional, doormat.. but i do know how to love, and i do know how to care for people, and you know what, im going to try not to be afraid to show it anymore.

i even made a picture of myself, with the words 'get fucked' in front of me. Thats the person they wanted me to become. The person that they are, people who have no feelings, people who do not get hurt because they dont know how to love. its not going to be me anymore. i am a pathetic doormat girl, a sponge for aggresive men to punch and kick me. you know what?

im going to smile at them. and im going to hand out flowers, not guns..

harriet harman, tactics, the devil and wearing prada

men do need rights?

over the last two or three months, i have been lost in thought about this thing called 'mens movement'

i started of by trying to understand my own interests in it, and where was it going to go?

i still dont really know the answer to that, but what i have learned about men who are within this movement, is that they do have a nice sense of comradery. The thing that worries me is that is it is based mostly on misunderstanding the female gender.

clearly there are things that they are distressed about. It is totally wrong that a feminist should have a voice, and not a man against her.

labour just elected harriet harman as vice president - i think she is a airheaded bitch with a chip on her shoulder because she's been victimised as a woman!

what a contradiction? second in charge of the country - and victimised as a woman. Wow amazing.

she's going to try and destroy families even more. She's gonna try and make even more women feel the self obsessed pain that she feels. One day, harriet, you'll grow up. i promise you.

maybe i should just start spouting out femo propaganda too, maybe i'll become super woman as well. I hope not. because sorry harriet, but i've got more class in my little finger than you have in your entire body..

I've decided for the moment that i am going to be a tom boy. With it has come a new sense of identity. how long will it last i dont know, but im going to enjoy it.

i know that i will never be accepted into the mens movement, as a woman who thinks for herself, its not possible. I have come to that conclusion, i hope one day i will find out im wrong but im not convinced. I cant argue like them, god knows i've tried. It feels wrong. I love men because they have different talents to me. I hope one day they might feel the same, but hey, c'est la vie..

so at the moment im thinking.. fuck women, and fuck men. I've had enough of all of you. Get fucked.

I dont think i've ever really been nasty to a man in my life, but then i would say that. I've always been fascinated by things i didnt understand properly, but i think most people are the opposite. They are intolerant of things they dont understand - so, feminists hate men because they fear them.

anyway yesterday i watched 'the devil wears prada' and i think it is quite a symbol of changing times. Its message is not one of female superiority, but one of warning. I think women are starting to get the idea, that they are not anything special, and they will fall down the same path as selfish men did before them. Of course, they will never understand that the men before them, were the same as them. no. When men fail, its due to other circumstances, that we're not interested in, isn't it Emily?

The boyfriend was a nice carachter but i couldn't help but feel he was fake. Men dont behave like that do they? i hope not, for their sake, not mine.

so what are my 'tactics' - i've been acused of having tactics! oh yeah.. i wish!!

my tactics at the moment are these:

1. get rid of all paranoias i have ascociated with my gender.
2. make men in the mens movement learn how to value themselves, not just their opinions.

3. learn how to be a woman again, and then stick it up their arses.
4. help people that i think are good as much as i can.
5. have as much fun as i can, im 30 next year.. life is really short isnt it.
6. never tell another irish man a false name, and always smile back at men who make me feel uncomfortable, instead of growling.

xxxxxx

fee-mo-para-noi-ya

im going to write about all the thing i hate about my body, who knows, it might just make me feel better (although, i doubt it). Then im going to talk about the things i like, maybe that will help.

i hate the fact that i have straight shoulders. when i wear summer tops, they have to be super feminine or i think i look like i have mans shoulders. i dont really feel comfortable in excessively feminine tops, so i either feel really self conscious about looking like a man, or really self conscious about looking like a fairy..

my hips are not wide enough in relation to my shoulders, so again, i have to try and wear baggy trousers, which doesnt really work in summer. Again, skirts look better but, again, i dont want to look like sugar plum fairy either.

my tits are too small. i am size 38B. and barely a B at that. when you couple that with wide shoulders and small hips, i look really straight and not very curvy. Im like totally paranoid about what i wear everyday. i wish i could not be like that, but im lost as to how to avoid it.

i think i have a big nose, not enormous, but my mum's is the same. it never bothered me really, but i think you dont notice it until you hear other people who dont have big noses joking about people who do. what do i do to hide that? its difficult, but wearing my hair up tends to make it look a bit less harsh.. i like wearing my hair down, but i prefer wearing pony tails for that reason.

so, there we are.. hips, shoulders, nose and tits, i dont think there is anything else??..... nope..

now, lemme talk about the things i like.

i like my hair, and i like it everyday more because its getting longer and longer and longer.. i went through a stage of having short hair, what the hell was i thinking!

i think i've got pretty hands, so i like that, what else?

i like my tits, because in the same way they are too small, they tend to defy gravity a bit better and i have great sexy nipples which feel really sensitive too, so not all bad.

i think i've got fairly good skin tone too, but then i've heard lots of women say that, and i looked at them and thought, nah, actually, you look like a sun dried banana woman. So thats an easy one to mix up isnt it??

my legs are long, so good? but i'd rather be a bit smaller, im 5'9".

oh yeah and good teeth.

so there we are..

during writing this i just realised how bloody vane and narcisistic i am, because my personality has not entered into my thoughts at all, about things i like and things i dont.

i like the fact that i can be honest with myself, but i hate the fact that i am a paranoid, wierdo woman who is often scared to look people in the eye because im so self conscious about my body.

this is a short post.

today someone said something to me, that was so beautfiul that i have to write it down here..
it made my cry..

'everyday when i start the day, the first thing i think..
i have a heartbeat..
the next thing i think..
i can breath!
its the start of a great day'

aint that just lovely?


thanks I. you deserve the best honey xxx

june evenings and womens football teams...

on monday, i was teaching a spanish class.

somebody found a pink cloudy my little pony or something like that, pen on the the floor.
someone offered it to the only male student in the class! he says... it cant be MINE can it!!

so why cant it be yours? what is it about the male social role that means they will not let themselves show a certain aspect of their personality. Poor C. i hope he doesnt mind me using him as an example?

i've been thinking about aspects of being female, where can i do things, where can i not? i think the most difficult thing about being a woman, is it is generally less acceptable to be scruffy. when you get a guy who walks into class wearing the same clothes that probably havent been washed in 5 months, nobody notices, or they just say.. he's just a young man. If i did it, i think it would signify some kind of sexual disfunction?

what else? well.. going out for a walk on your own past 6pm, people start wondering what you are doing. i have a river near to me, so when my partner is back from work it means i can escape for 15 minutes from my house. its june, its light, and the evenings are wonderful arent they? i love walking but im starting to realise that it makes me feel a bit uneasy these days. i'm not really sure what im saying here?

i suppose if someone found a football on the floor and they gave it to me, i'd probably be like.. er.. why are you giving it to me! (even though i love football). i suppose when that happens, i'm scared of the way other people view my sexual and gender identity? maybe thats what it is. I think everyone has male and female inside them are they are terrified to express it because nobody else does..

if a man picks up a pink pen, it must mean his is gay, wierd? maybe even a paedophile.

my god isnt this world bloody crazy.

no i mean it, this world is totally and completely round the bend..

actually i think that because he makes an issue of the pen being pink it does show some kind of conflict within him. Its like, i want to pick up this pen, but, there is NO WAY im doing it! im a man and men arent allowed to write with pink pens?

i've talked about the male role being very squeezed up, just like a lemon thats been used to make lemon juice

i think these days, women are like the lemon juice and men are the squeezed up remains. You cant have one without the other, but the circumstances are very different.

the question has to be for men, how can they change that around, how can they make it so it doesn't threaten their entire existence if they pick up a pink pen?

i've talked alot about this with men, both in reality and in the internet, and im torn between two arguments, one that says im right, and men need to get over these little fears they have.. and others who say, men dont want to become like women!! men want to go their own way.

i dont know what this means at all. im not sure they know what it means either? i hope they do, but i doubt it.

besides, how is using a pink pen becoming like a woman?? my god, they really do not understand at all do they? a pink pen, is something that might have made a young kid, probably a girl, smile sometime 5 years ago. lets get a bit of perspective here!!!

anyway, while i was out walking yesterday, there was a group of women footballers practising. the coach (a man, as per usual) kept looking at me.. im 5'9" and i can do 100 kick ups with a football.. he must have thought, hmm, is this a member of my team turning up late?

no, im not in a womans football team, and although i like football, something i saw in asda the other day really put me of it totally..

a womens team was collecting for a new strip. it was white and blue stripes with white socks. they were offering to do the packing in return for a small contribution, to be made in a bucket.

on the bucket it read.... 'the future of football is female...'

i didnt make a contribution, and thankfully the guy collecting (mangina) didnt bother asking me. I am a woman, but you know what, women are CRAP at football. Im about as good as it gets and compared to any bloke down the street im rubbish. I went through a phase in my mid teens where i thought that i was as physically able as a man. I thought i could objectify my feelings like them, but.. a few arm wrestles and a couple of games of table football later, and i had changed my mind...

.

I can get bitter about things the other sex does better than me. but, thank god i came to that

conclusion as soon as i did. I learned to apreciate them instead of trying to be like them. Although deep down we're all the same aren't we?? what contradictions i live with inside myself.

oh well....

.

so, anyway, the future of football is definately not female, and if it is, then football has no future. I love watching the way the men move around, how they drive and move the football around the pitch, the passion, the commitment that they show. I love the passion of it all, its something that feminism is scared of. well it doesnt scare me.. its brill. i love it.

womens football? balls of fat running around with a pony tail wiggling at the back? you cant tell which one is the ball and which one is the player can you? so....thanks, but no thanks. Dont try and tempt me into something that im not good at.

anyway, what does this mean? well, it occured to me just how deep routed the feminist agenda is in our minds.

A man collecting for a womans football team, with a bucket saying the future of football is female!...and, in a national supermarket chain

if they had asked me for a contribution, i would have said, 'i would have contributed, but i prefer watching men play, and as they have no future, why contribute!!!' or is that one of those thing i wished i had said, when really i'd not have said anything? who knows. as a woman though i think i have a responsibility to point these things out. The situation men are in is that they cannot even stand up forthemselves anymore. maybe if i start the ball rolling??

my god and people call me a feminist. that really gets on my nerves. I am not a feminist, feminists believe in women, MRA's believe in men. Lucia Vega believes in lucia vega and a hand full of men and women that i met in my life, on the internet and in my family. They tend to be left handed, but not always. I always like left handed people. They are normally a bit wierd, like me. But the really wierd ones are left handed and right footed, or right handed and left footed.

watch out for them!!!! im left handed and left footed. but i use scissors with my right hand.

so, dont get me wrong, some men do have a hell of a lot to learn from some women too. something the mens movement has not even tried to address. the mens movement certainly does not want the gaping differences between some men pointing out. they hate me when i do it..

oh yeah and has anyone noticed just how enormous the new generation of young men are.. i was in the park yesterday, and there were a group of them lying in the sun, and throwing a football around. they were enormous, big shoulders tanned in the sun, all of them at least 6 foot 2.

well at least they are getting fed properly, so its not all bad men, is it? somebody is looking after you somewhere....

the little unimportant things that can change everything

when i feel down, when sometimes it seems like their is no hope for the future, i go and lie in bed and wrap myself up in the covers. Its not a big change in my life, its just a little thing, but it makes me feel less alone. It helps me pass the bad feeling and unhappy emotions sometimes when i get down,

i think its to do with low oestrogen levels, but im not a doctor.

when i go to sleep i always like sleeping with something stuffed inbetween my legs, a pillow, the duvet cover... anything, i dont know why that is, i think i've always like the feel of things next to me, when nothing touches me i feel like i dont exist..

life can be difficult sometimes, when you have two little children running around asking constantly for this and that, then when you go to grandparents house, suddenly they dont care about you anymore, its all about grandma! it can really make you feel unloved, but its in the nature of children to go to the sun that shines the most right?

'estar al sol que mas calienta...'

im a pisces, i think we are all a bit like me, too reflective and we dont live enough. We are lost in our heads most of the time... although if i'd been born two hours earlier i'd be aquarius, although i guess both make me a water girl anyway so, we are all a bit like that..

isnt it funny how birthdays seem to go in periods? all of my family are either born in late november - december time (sagitarius) or late january - february (aquarius), OR in may (taurus and gemini)

my partner however is a scorpio. its wierd.. every single long term relationship i've had has been with a scorpion... they have a sting in the tail im told. Aren't they water too? i get on with them.

i have no idea why this is, i dont know anyone who was born in the summer at all, and yet in may, practically everyday i know someone who has a birthday..

i used to be a scientist and never believed in any of this kind of stuff but lately i've become a lot more feeling orientated.

i wear my hair in a pony tail all the time now because for some reason i dont feel comfortable wearing it down anymore. does that have any significance? who knows, i dont know.

anyway, i've been pretty down over the last week or so, probably due as much to the weather as anything else, but sometimes, when i feel like that, the bed covers are my best friend. They reflect the warmth that i sometimes want to feel and dont get in the real world.

im not saying that they solve anything, once i get up all the fears, paranoias and insecurities are still there, but its a start isnt it?

I dont really want to talk about why i feel down, i have my reasons and they are pretty depressing to me.

but, the little things like wrapping ourselves in our bed covers, and stuffing pillows between our legs can help us change our emotions and can be so important. They can give us hope where just before there did not appear to be any.

so i am saying that next time you feel down, wrap yourself up, cover your head and pretend that the whole world outside no longer exists. i do that now and it makes me feel ok again, like somebody cares.

why do young men withdraw from society?

why do young men withdraw from society?

what a difficult question to answer right??

well im not pretending to be up-to-date on the ins and outs of this question but i can give my own viewpoint from what i can see. I told myself long ago at university that i would never close down my creative thought just because i did not have facts to back it up. It is a recipe for disaster. Human nature and facts, dont mix very well.

anyway,

why do men withdraw?

well, to know completely you would have to interview every single one of them, impossible right? yes.. and even if you could, how do you know they are telling the truth? you don't.

so its left to people to theorise isnt it.

i think young men withdraw from society because its been stolen from them. Where these days can a young man express himself?

football? no, women's footballs on the increase isnt it? and its only an elite that perform on tele anyway.

the bar situation. something MRA's never understand about women, is that they only ever notice the ones that catch their eye.

when i was a teenager, like most of my friends, we used to go to the bar, stand around, getting drunk and hope and pray that some guy somewhere would come upto us and start some sort of interaction. It rarely happend, neither to me, or to my friends. The attention always goes to the ones that catch the eye. you know what? ALL the men focus on them, so they are on a hiding to nothing right? only a very small amount of men ever manage to catch this type of women, and it usually ends in tears.

the rest spend their time fighting with the others, and inventing some bravado story about what a man they are, when the truth is, that someone else got the girl. Young men need to recognise this. they need to reinvent what it is to be a failure as a man. You are not a failure, you just dont use your head enough...

i think lots of men grow out of this type of behaviour as they enter their twenties, but rejection by the alpha female, is not constructive is it? so. one reason.

why else might they withdraw? well, they are failing at schools arent they? or, at least, they are being beaten by girls. Im not a woman who will stand here and say girls are equally intellegent as men. In my experience men have a high intellectual level that seldom touches reality. They need the right woman to guide them along the right path, but when that happens they become unstoppable..

well, schools are no longer set up for boys. Read a spanish textbook? its full of pretty pictures, smiling faces.. and to be frank, its crap. To learn a language you need rigid grammar and blank boring exercises. I know this, and obviously feminising everything just turns boys (and to be honest, alot of girls) off. Smiling faces in a spanish book appeals to the lowest common denominator. Boys need to see language in action, they need to feel how it works, not sit in a boring class surrounded by silent and boring girls.

if i was a secondary teacher, i'd make them play football using spanish terms...

'dame el balon!'
'chuta, joder!'
'despeja, cabron!'

thats how some men learn better isnt it? i dont know. not all of them i suppose.

popular culture? well yeah, i watched TV last night and when the ads came on i counted how many adverts where 'gynocentric' (focused on women), at least 50% of them had a female carachter playing the main part. The others didnt really count as being gender based..

granted, i was watching desperate housewives, so its not going to be representative.. perhaps during the big match between man u and chelsea, the adverts are mostly male orientated. i dont know, i'll have to count.

but this isnt good for women either? it just makes us into empty vessels filled with unwanted needs that we can never fulfill.. so we look to men to fill this void created by advertising, and when they cannot, we blame them, and we try to change them until they fill our new found desires. So, nobody wins. The truth is, if it were upto me, i'd shoot the whole lot of advertising companies. Good job its not upto me i suppose..

anyway, what that means, is that men have no role at all in society, and women just consume. again, nobody wins.

however, its not all the fault of women. How many young men do i see when i go to the park with my daughters? not many.

men do not interact with children enough. i cant stress this enough. The male role i suppose does not encompass enough legroom to allow them to smile and enjoy childish games. Most women love being with children because it enables them to be a child again. I think men see this as not part of their role. Its no wonder they dont smile very much.

anyway, is it really true, are men withdrawing from society??

well, suicide levels are clearly very high amongst men. so that would suggest they are, but if you look at all the positions of political power they are almost always occupied by men, white men, normally. Hardly a sign of withdrawal?

no, what i think has happend, is that a 'cliche' or 'elite' of men has taken control of the world, and they dont want anyone else to join their gang. Women have never been allowed into power until now really, but what feminism missed, is that NEITHER were 90% of men.

this is were men and woman have to see our common goal. We are both oppressed by a overpowering class of people. Not just women, not just men. Please, i hope that one day, the MRA's and the feminist, will see their common interests.

i dont know the solution, but first you have to identify the problem.

feminism has also developed in a similar way, we are left with a 'cliche' of women, normally rabid man haters, who dont want anyone to join their club. At least, anyone who disagrees with them.

I dont see any future for women in following feminism at all. Eventually we will end up with the same situation we have now, accept with that cliche of women in charge. The ordinary woman on the street is no nearer to power than she was before.

i see young men walking around, waddling their shoulders, wearing their baggy trousers and oversized jumpers. Their jeans are so low down that i wonder how they stay up. have they withdrawn from society? more and more of them these days carry guns. Only a few months ago a young 17 year old was blown away not more than 1/2 mile away from me. Im scared, it terrifies me that these crazy mindless adolescents have the power to destroy everything that i have built in my life, and my children, for nothing other than a testosterone impulse.

i suppose im lucky, they look at me and dont see a threat. How could i be threatening to them? i wierdo woman walking down the street with a buggy and two small kids?

well, that 17 year old wasnt so lucky. Young men must be terrified to walk around these days. Each one of them so wants to prove what a man they are, and they now increasingly have the power to destroy. is this a sign of withdrawal? yes, they feel so desperate inside themselves that they have no value for either their own life, or that of someone else.

what has happend to them to become like this? what is missing from mens lives that they hate life so much?

why are they not taking part and instead killing themselves and each other?

i can't answer this question alone, i can only speculate and i think i do it badly alot of the time. I'm well aware of that having visited enough MRA websites and been called every name under the sun.

so, im a feminist am i? well.. listen to this..

rape is a primary destroyer of masculinity. I suppose most men, if they were allowed would go around raping, or at least, trying to have sex with as many women as possible.

rape, yes its a law that represses masculinity isnt it? perhaps they would all feel better if they could get the sexual release they strive for so much.

well.. i think the first step to sorting out the problem with men, is legalising prostitution. If they want to fuck, let them.. they have to pay for it and its not a problem, some women enjoy it. I've no idea how they can enjoy it, but they do. Good for them.

i think the reason it's illegal, is it maintains the ordinary man from thinking about moving up in the world. he is too bothered about getting rid of his sexual needs, and will do anything to get a release that is missing, blow people away, slit his wrists, screw up his school work. Anything.

so, thats the first step. after that, its upto men to decide, i cant help them.

lonely moments and how i deal with them

i feel lonely. i always feel lonely at this time of the week.

im stuck at home my children are with their grandparents. im waiting to go out to teach a class and my partner is working.

when i feel like this, because im bored i normally end up looking in the mirror at myself brushing my hair this way and then that.. then in a pony tail, up and down, until eventually it goes back to where it started originally. then i start focusing on all the things i hate about the way i look. the way the light catches my eyes, the way it changes the colour of skin tone i have.

so, i get bored and think.. danielle, thats enough self destruction for now, then i go into the other room and i turn on the internet and i see flashing lights, forums with opinions, irritating songs that i dont want to listen to. I'll check my email! oh no.. another message from Panda software? who the hell are they and why do they send me email..


friends reunited says that new members have joined! no, they havent! they all joined 6 years ago like me, and nobody cares anymore.

when i watch TV, or use the internet, i feel like the whole world is a party that nobody bothered to invite me too.

so what do i do? i sit down here and write down my thoughts as if that was somehow going to change the nature of how i am. well i suppose it gets rid of the bad feeling for a while doesnt it?

i sit with my legs crossed one over the other as if that somehow gives me the feeling that another person is with me, that somebody else is there. Then i wedge my hand inbetween my thighs, its nice and warm in there!

i've realised that if i fold my arms i feel more secure as if there were a barrier between me and the world outside. but i cant go and teach with my arms folded can i? oh dear..

i sit here and write this blog, as if anyone else was listening, as if anyone really cared about my life or the reason i am here in this place. is this what we all do? do we all sit in silence from time to time and fill our lives with empty feelings, and pretend obsessions. it has no inherent meaning at all does it?

im sitting staring at the black wall that is life again. My dad always told me that life was neutral. i suppose the meaning is what you give it, and when you feel alone, that is the meaning that it has.

i could go into town, and watch the rat race take place, people running around in suits and ties, trying to look important, as if somehow that let them escape the reality of life. Young men walking in a strange way to try and show to the world that they have some importance? they dont do they? neither does the girl who sits there in her tracksuit top that is too small for her fiddling with her over sized earing.

oh well, anyway, i feel better now. at least the sun came out this afternoon, i couldn't face another cold and dark rainy day.



the rain makes my life go out of focus.

so what do i wear to go to teach? yeah.. that old black hoody top of mine.. no, i dont like that anymore it makes me feel black and wet. what about that other top you bought 5 months ago that you try on every week and never wear because it makes you look to rigid and manly. well, maybe i'll try it again next week. how about the red tracksuit top with the white laces? no, that ones to warm and it'll make your cheeks go red when you laugh. well ok, lets try that t-shirt that you bought in asda last week? noooo its too adolescent and its got pink writing on it its not really suitable for a 29 year old teacher.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

ok.. black hoody top it is. AGAIN..

better get on preparing personal pronouns i suppose.

so there you are.. my solution to loneliness and temporary depression is, cross your legs over, stick your hand inbetween them, try not to look in the mirror, and write something down, in a diary. Oh yeah, and put on music or the television, i forgot to mention that too.

it kinda works for me