lonely moments and how i deal with them

i feel lonely. i always feel lonely at this time of the week.

im stuck at home my children are with their grandparents. im waiting to go out to teach a class and my partner is working.

when i feel like this, because im bored i normally end up looking in the mirror at myself brushing my hair this way and then that.. then in a pony tail, up and down, until eventually it goes back to where it started originally. then i start focusing on all the things i hate about the way i look. the way the light catches my eyes, the way it changes the colour of skin tone i have.

so, i get bored and think.. danielle, thats enough self destruction for now, then i go into the other room and i turn on the internet and i see flashing lights, forums with opinions, irritating songs that i dont want to listen to. I'll check my email! oh no.. another message from Panda software? who the hell are they and why do they send me email..


friends reunited says that new members have joined! no, they havent! they all joined 6 years ago like me, and nobody cares anymore.

when i watch TV, or use the internet, i feel like the whole world is a party that nobody bothered to invite me too.

so what do i do? i sit down here and write down my thoughts as if that was somehow going to change the nature of how i am. well i suppose it gets rid of the bad feeling for a while doesnt it?

i sit with my legs crossed one over the other as if that somehow gives me the feeling that another person is with me, that somebody else is there. Then i wedge my hand inbetween my thighs, its nice and warm in there!

i've realised that if i fold my arms i feel more secure as if there were a barrier between me and the world outside. but i cant go and teach with my arms folded can i? oh dear..

i sit here and write this blog, as if anyone else was listening, as if anyone really cared about my life or the reason i am here in this place. is this what we all do? do we all sit in silence from time to time and fill our lives with empty feelings, and pretend obsessions. it has no inherent meaning at all does it?

im sitting staring at the black wall that is life again. My dad always told me that life was neutral. i suppose the meaning is what you give it, and when you feel alone, that is the meaning that it has.

i could go into town, and watch the rat race take place, people running around in suits and ties, trying to look important, as if somehow that let them escape the reality of life. Young men walking in a strange way to try and show to the world that they have some importance? they dont do they? neither does the girl who sits there in her tracksuit top that is too small for her fiddling with her over sized earing.

oh well, anyway, i feel better now. at least the sun came out this afternoon, i couldn't face another cold and dark rainy day.



the rain makes my life go out of focus.

so what do i wear to go to teach? yeah.. that old black hoody top of mine.. no, i dont like that anymore it makes me feel black and wet. what about that other top you bought 5 months ago that you try on every week and never wear because it makes you look to rigid and manly. well, maybe i'll try it again next week. how about the red tracksuit top with the white laces? no, that ones to warm and it'll make your cheeks go red when you laugh. well ok, lets try that t-shirt that you bought in asda last week? noooo its too adolescent and its got pink writing on it its not really suitable for a 29 year old teacher.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

ok.. black hoody top it is. AGAIN..

better get on preparing personal pronouns i suppose.

so there you are.. my solution to loneliness and temporary depression is, cross your legs over, stick your hand inbetween them, try not to look in the mirror, and write something down, in a diary. Oh yeah, and put on music or the television, i forgot to mention that too.

it kinda works for me