hombres

hay hombres que se mueven.. hay hombres que se agitan.
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hay hombres que no existen.. hay hombres que no gritan.

hay hombres que respiran.. hay hombres que se ahogan.
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hay hombres que ocultan la verdad.. hay hombres que roban

hay quien apuesta fuerte y decide quererte.. sabiendo lo fácil que resulta perderte

¿sabes que siempre estaré cerca de tí?

hay hombres que te compran.. hay hombres que se venden

hay hombres que recuerdan.. hay hombres que mienten

hay hombres que prefieren no hablar.. hay hombres que no entienden

hay quien no tiene suerte y prefiere engañarte.. sabiendo lo fácil que resulta ganarte

¿sabes que nunca me iré lejos de tí?

tienes que aprender a resistir.. tienes que vivir..

esto no lo tengo, esto no lo hay. Esto no lo quiero y esto que me das

hay quien apuesta fuerte y decide quererte.. sabiendo lo fácil que resulta perderte

sabes que siempre estaré cerca de tí..

hay quien no tiene suerte y prefiere engañarte.. sabiendo lo fácil qué resulta ganarte..

sabes que nunca me iré lejos de tí..

hoy hay luna llena, y un hombre camina por ella...

FANGORIA - HOMBRES

war

war.. is not honour, war.. is not valor, war.. is not sacrifice.

war.. is killing, war.. is hurt, war is aggression and war is empty

soldiers aren't heros, soldiers aren't brave

soldiers are manipulated, soldiers are murderers and soldiers are cowards

if there were no soldiers there would be no wars.

la caja de pandora

i feel a little guilty tonight.. and maybe a bit unhappy too, but its all my fault you see? I opened up Pandora's box again tonight.. i have a habit of doing this? i think its part of the insecure part of my personality..
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for the first time in a long time today, i got a chance to go clothes shopping with my mum. We walked into town in the blustering wind, finding it pretty difficult to hear what each other was saying. What is it with march? why does it blow so much. what is it trying to blow away, and push far away into the distance?? anyhow, eventually we got there and began to look around the shops.
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At first, mum wanted to buy some chocolate brazil nuts for my dad, who's not feeling very well, so we went into the first shop and she bought some. Then we went into a few clothes shops, you know, the ones that only have fashionable lines now, and never have any size over 12? well, anyway, i can fit into 12's just about, and i managed to find a jumper for 3 pounds that really suits me.. you know now that i've worn it all day, i've got bored of it.. but thats how it is with clothes right?
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but, anyway, that was a good thing and it made me feel pretty good. Buying clothes always does, i suppose it gives you a chance to see yourself in a different light, if only for a short while? Afterwards, we looked through a few other shops, and my mum was constantly being really nice to me, telling me how things suited me, she said how well i was looking.... amazing i thought? something had to be wrong. My mum was being too nice to me, she's never this nice? but i just thought, oh well! its good isn't it? and we carried on. Later when we had both got tired and she had not found the new cardigan top, the type that she always wears, we decided to have a coffee in a bar and ended up talking about this and that, and it was all very nice!

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Actually, I think the waiter fancied me.. i fancied him! they always look so big and overpowering behind those bars, so i gave him a big smile! He then brought the coffees all the way upstairs.. what a nice chap, and what a great bit of manipulation! So, altogether a good day for me i was thinking! there are few things like a knowing-stare between two people to sweep you of your feet and into the clouds again.. and all spent with my mum? its amazing, we had no arguments, no acusations or anything! I think she's really trying to get on with me. The problem, is with me, in that I think that maybe i didn't return it. I didnt return the good feeling that she had given me all day?
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so why not? well.. later i got back and went to have tea at my parents house, i thought.. hmm perhaps i shouldn't go i don't want things to go wrong and spoil a good day, but anyway, not fancying another night alone in a cold empty house (my partner is in spain with my kids, again?) i decided to go.
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soon, as always seems to happen when im alone with my mum and dad, we got talking about all the thoughts that keep going around and around in my head.. this time it was abortion, feminism, anti feminism and all of those bloody things that keep giving me such a headache?? sooo i ended up telling them, a bit arrogantly, how i knew just so much about it all now, and that i had seen things from a different point of view to them. From a new perspective?! perhaps, and maybe this is all down to the past year or so of being indoctrinated by the mrm into their way of seeing things..
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however, as those kind of conversations always go, they always seem to ends up in kind of an argument, where two of us takes sides against the one.. and tonight i think it made my mum feel bad. She had made such an effort and for it to end like that, it wasn't right, and its my fault.. I feel like i've opened their eyes to something that perhaps i shouldn't have? as if i somehow opened pandoras box in my relationship with them? oh god, i feel so bad, and so guilty!! what happens if this makes some kind of wedge between them in their relationship? what if it affects my relationship with them? why didn't i think about this before? perhaps im turning into a self-righteous arrogant bitch? do you think so?
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i feel like i've been trying to convert them into something, and i dont really know why? i've got a bee in my bonnet this time and i feel like i ruined a really nice day. I rarely get to spend time with my mum without children, or nasty bitchy arguments.. Why am i involved in all this? why do i seem to care about it? its nobodies fault but mine is it? We even ended up looking up talking all kinds of bizarre things that no child should ever talk about with their parents! I like calling myself a child again, cant you tell??

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so, anyway i feel like i've done something really bad today. For the first time in a long time i feel like i am not making enough effort, and caring in my relationship with my parents.. is it true? if this mrm stuff is true, then why does it make me feel bad talking about it? what is it that i am sacrificing when i talk about it with people that are close to me?
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dear diary, im not sure what i should do now? I feel nervous and anxious, and im all alone again.. Perhaps i should just leave things and see what happens. Things always feel better after a nights sleep dont they? The problem is that once you opened pandora's box, then it doesnt shut again does it??
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perhaps im scared, maybe thats what it is. Scared of something changing in life? Oh well, it is march again, and i suppose march, much like october, is a month of changes. The winter blows its way out and the flowers and birds return? I love the scent of the air, on those long evenings when the sun manages to shine for a while..
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that sounds good doesn't it? but i still feel bad.. i cant cover up my feelings by writing things that make me happy anymore.. its not true, i dont deserve to be happy tonight. Im sorry i want to shut the box again, but i can't can I?

je suis d'une génération désenchantée

tout est chaos
a côté
tous mes idéaux: des mots
abimés...
je cherche une âme, qui
pourra m'aider
je suis
d'une génération désenchantée

désenchantée.....

at the park

dear diary, here is another chapter in my relationship with my mother. I argue with her all the time, but yesterday, something kinda made sense to me!

i was on my own yesterday my partner had just got back from madrid and had not really slept in 3 days so i had to do something alone with my two 3 year old daughters..

so silly me, i rang my mum up because she normally looks after my two nephews on monday because my sister is working, and her man (not married) is working in london for a months. My daughters get on well with my nephews so it makes things easier sometimes the days can be very long.

anyway, im feel like im quite a dosile person, im pretty dull really, totally the opposite of my mother and my sister.. i mean i like kids but i get tired all the time, and all the cutting and sticking activities that most mothers get involved with give me a headache.. i just see the hoovering up afterwards, and find it difficult to enjoy the activity... I always felt like there was something missing in me, but yesterday i kinda realised that its actually the other way round?

there is a hill near where i live that goes down onto some sports fields and J. my oldest nephew starts running down.. he trips and lands on his chin, meanwhile his body continues and just before it gets to the point where it would have snapped his neck, it stopped. i mean, he was very close to being killed.. my mother was not looking after him. Nobody has obviously EVER told him to be careful. They dont care. His dad is never there, his mother is a bossy bitch who is only happy with him while he does as he is told, to suit her.. my mother is the same.

so what happens? i said to him, j. you know, you nearly killed yourself then (hes only 3).. and my mum jumps in saying,

'don't tell him that stop being stupid'

so i shut up? and i spent the whole of the rest of the day feeling upset but i didnt know why? then suddenly i got home and it all became clear to me!! its that she's trying to cover up the parts that she doesn't like about herself. She is a useless person when it comes to looking out for the safety of children.. its so bad that sometimes i think that doesn't care about his well being at all!? she only cares about being seen as mrs perfect grandmother! is that what is going on?

when i tell J. that he needs to look after himself, its more important to my mother that what happend is swept under the carpet, than that J. actually learns something? Thats why i was upset allday.. because i cared about him and i was horrified by what happend..

J's father is never there, and has no interest in children. Who is going to teach him? Once his father (my brother-in-law in name, not in marriage) drove all the way round to my house, just so i could change J's nappy!

meanwhile, my sister is the same as my mum, while everyone is celebrating how wonderful she is, everything is fine, but if anyone says anything against her its a whole big tantrum and strop, where everyone takes her side and makes it look like you are at fault.

so, why does she treat me like the ugly unwanted annoying daughter who is a constant irritation? i think its because my mum had an affair with a man, who she loved and her love child was my sister.. then she married my dad (mangina) and had me to make sure of his income for the rest of her life. Meanwhile my dad has had 2 heart attacks in his early 60's and nearly died last week. Now he's got a pacemaker fitted.

anyway, what i realised, is that despite all the super mum activities both her and my sister do, the sticking, play dough, stuff that really gets on my nerves.. and all the crap mum ones i do, the truth is, when their children are about to kill themselves, they dont want to know.. it might make them look like bad? Their egos are more important, than their childrens welfare..

isn't it interesting?

i feel really good about that.. i learnt that i can do somethings well yesterday, and so did my nephew!

new forum

i've started a new forum because we need somewhere - the address is:

http://fruity1.proboards101.com/

it will probably take 6 months at least to get enough members to run itself, but please take a look, or check back later!

censorship on antimisandry.com

i dont really think anyone knows whats going on in that place anymore? or maybe its just me who doesnt know!

but anyway i think there is alot of bad feelings in there at the moment, but i hope things will get better in the future

im not sure, but i think its probably better if i left. I've been thinking alot lately and i shouldn't try to compete with men really, its not something that has ever made me happy. I like men, but not really mens rights so perhaps its not fair that i be there

i just keep getting this annoying feeling that i have to go back there and see whats happening? aaah!!

http://fruity1.proboards101.com/index.cgi?board=mwi&action=display&thread=1202219608

you know, if you don't love your children, you don't love anyone..

its a friday and my children have gone to nursery school - what am i to do? they learnt songs that someone else taught them. Im beggining to get the first feelings that someone must get when their children grow up and leave home?

i've been totally bored for the last few days, home alone, no kids, no bloke.. only a computer and a super-clean house to keep me company.

oh well, at least its given me a chance to write, and on this occasion, to talk about my true feelings about a rather controversial subject..

i found this article in a feminist site that i've read a few times..

http://feministing.com/archives/008428.html

Ga-Ga for Guttmacher

The Guttmacher Institute has released a mother of a study today revealing that in 2005, the U.S. abortion rate was the lowest it has been since 1974.

In other words, the rates continue to decline. The study reveals a number of other interesting (and depressing) findings, like:

* The number of abortion providers is decreasing, yet at a slower rate than previous years
Medication abortion - or mifepristone - use is growing

* More than 1 in 4 abortion patients reports traveling at least 50 miles to reach a provider.

* Nationwide, 87% of counties have no abortion services, a figure that has existed since 2000
They also have a state-by-state guide with abortion rates and access. Check out the full study, "Abortion in the United States: Incidence and Access to Services, 2005."

now, the key bit i highlighted here, is that the writer of this article thinks that it is depressing that the abortion rate has decreased..

i wondered how could it possibly be depressing?? depressing that more children are not being murdered, having things stuck into their barely formed, fragile and defenceless bodies. Having their life, there existence stolen from them.

this message is to those that have written this article, and to those women whom think abortion is right.. I am writing to give you the choice to say no to murder. I am writing this to give you the choice to do the right thing...

you know, Its not your body, it the childs body.

and, its not your choice. Your choice was to have sex, or to not have it.

Why do you not understand that? why do you seek so hard to destroy what you cared so little in creating? do you only belive in death and destruction? what is it that makes you so desperate to cover up what is such an evil process?

honestly, i am not excusing the fathers, the doctors and all the other people involved, they have their own demons to face. You are not fighting to defend those people, so why are you claiming to be fighting for women's rights, and yet you are happy for women to be murdered in the place they are supposed to feel more safe than anywhere else? inside the uterus. inside the body of the person that feels them closer than any other..

why can you not empathise with the child that was growing inside of you? do you not feel anything?

i can only think you are so intencely selfish that your own life is more valuable to you than that of your own child..

or maybe, is it really, that you have already had an abortion and you hide behind the banner of 'womens rights' to protect your guilt and your conscience? You do not want to come to terms that you are a child killer. who would? its normal, but you are wrong and you are evil. You must not be mistaken about that.

the only answer for you, is to come to terms with who you are, not to make more people into monsters like you..

stop lying to us, you care not about women, but only about yourself. Is it really that you whole struggle is to manipulate people, women, so that they do not see the black hearted person that you really are?

you know what, i think your depressed because more and more people are beggining to see through the abortion issue right down into to the cold black hearts of the people that promote it..

and the last thing i want to say, and i want to say how good, and full of life i feel when i say this, is...

i never had an abortion. I am not a murderer, and I love my children.

i want you to know that, i want you to know how strongly my feelings are against you. I want you to know that i chose life, that i chose caring and that i chose right.

the only way for you to make better, is to come to terms with what you have done. I will welcome you with open arms and with warmth and caring. I want you to teach people why what you did was wrong. I want you to stop the lies and save yourself.

you know, theres a saying in spain, and it think it fits in well here..

if you can't love your children, you can't love anyone.

if you ever loved your child that you murdered, you will tell her or him, that you are sorry.. that you were wrong, and that you will not forget them and that you will fight so that they are remembered and that other children do not have to suffer what you have put them through.

webcams, being middle class, and looking like an old hag..

dear diary, time to write something new isnt it?
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well i've been away on holiday, it was 20 degrees (celsius NOT farenheit!!!) but i had to cope with in-laws traditional christmas fighting so just about came of even in the end. You know, when im away, i really miss my computer. I've become very attached to it, i was thinking while i was away.. my best friends these days tend to be random people on the internet, and you know what??
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i dont think im ashamed of that anymore.. should i be ashamed of that? i mean, you're not real people, are you? are you???
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im probably an anti-social type. I feel comfortable when i don't have to talk to anyone, when i don't have to portray any stupid image of the latest fashion in being a normal human being.
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along time ago, my mother spent most of my early years reminding me of this while she kept up with the jones's at her oh-so-middle class dinner parties. 'Well hello' they would say to me, not quite looking me in the eye.. 'how are things, how is life!?' and 'hows school!' sipping their wine, looking awkwardly like they weren't somehow real people...
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bloody hell, i dont know, im 10 years old! did you know that?? i want to run upstairs and cry. i cant really tell them that schools horrible can i? or that they bully me because im fat? they dont really want to know do they? or at least, they dont want to feel awkward in front of the Joneses.

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i suppose the answer to all this is to never trust anyone who asks you questions without looking in your eye. you can be nice to them, but something is not as it seems, is it?
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so, that was how i felt. I was always made to feel guilty for being anti-social. Like there was something wrong with me. Well you know what? there are lots of things wrong with me, but i dont care anymore, im a bloody wierdo, so shove that up your bum along with the wine, the pesto and the sun dried tomatoes..

anyway, 1980's middle class dinner parties apart, recently i've become addicted to this horribly addictive and frankly, narcisistic new invention known as webcam. I sit in front of it, and suddenly tens and hundreds of random people want to know about me. Yes me.. is this what being well known is like?
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Some can speak english, others try but fail. They can construct sentences with the word tits in it, but thats as far as they go. Normally arabs.
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occasionally you meet more interesting people and they actually make me feel attractive for the brief period that im there, and believe me, that is a bloody hard thing to do.. sometimes i fancy them. Its always annoying, because you can't touch people on webcam... then i go back to reality, where i generally feel like an ugly old hag. I spend most of my days wondering how i can be so ugly and nobody else can really see it. I suppose its called being a woman isnt it? or maybe its just about being me.. anyway, webcam is almost becoming preferable to real life. That has to be wrong doesn't it?
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i suppose it must be really funny watching what people get upto behind closed doors. Staring at me in my dirty pyjamas. Its funny, they dont know that their dirty!
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On webcam they call me pretty, sexy and lot of other things that make me feel as if somehow i was something special. It never happens to me in real life. What it is that i do on there, that i don't do in real life? perhaps in real life they can see that my pyjamas are dirty? perhaps they see the bags under my eyes.. who knows? perhaps men are afraid to say nice things to me in real life. i dont know. Maybe they are lying, but what for? its not like there going to get anything from me is it? i mean, im 1000s of miles away. I even get women admirers. They bug me and never go away.
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i think that on webcam, i become a different personality, someone who has lots more confidence and doesn't get hurt as easily as she should. I mean, on the internet, i don't care if people call me names, or get into arguements with me really. Thats the not the same as real life is it? in real life it hurts doesnt it? on the internet it doesnt hurt so much.
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i suppose most people on there are guys. I dont really have any competition. I guess the answer, is just to get rid of all the other women in the world, and then real life will get a bit better for me?
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oh well.. maybe i should just become middle class and ask my friends kids how school is...

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perhaps the real meaning of the internet is that you can make friends and talk about things that in real life, are just too difficult. Perhaps webcam is somewhere you can feel the emotions that you don't let yourself feel in real life, eh?