webcams, being middle class, and looking like an old hag..

dear diary, time to write something new isnt it?
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well i've been away on holiday, it was 20 degrees (celsius NOT farenheit!!!) but i had to cope with in-laws traditional christmas fighting so just about came of even in the end. You know, when im away, i really miss my computer. I've become very attached to it, i was thinking while i was away.. my best friends these days tend to be random people on the internet, and you know what??
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i dont think im ashamed of that anymore.. should i be ashamed of that? i mean, you're not real people, are you? are you???
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im probably an anti-social type. I feel comfortable when i don't have to talk to anyone, when i don't have to portray any stupid image of the latest fashion in being a normal human being.
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along time ago, my mother spent most of my early years reminding me of this while she kept up with the jones's at her oh-so-middle class dinner parties. 'Well hello' they would say to me, not quite looking me in the eye.. 'how are things, how is life!?' and 'hows school!' sipping their wine, looking awkwardly like they weren't somehow real people...
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bloody hell, i dont know, im 10 years old! did you know that?? i want to run upstairs and cry. i cant really tell them that schools horrible can i? or that they bully me because im fat? they dont really want to know do they? or at least, they dont want to feel awkward in front of the Joneses.

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i suppose the answer to all this is to never trust anyone who asks you questions without looking in your eye. you can be nice to them, but something is not as it seems, is it?
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so, that was how i felt. I was always made to feel guilty for being anti-social. Like there was something wrong with me. Well you know what? there are lots of things wrong with me, but i dont care anymore, im a bloody wierdo, so shove that up your bum along with the wine, the pesto and the sun dried tomatoes..

anyway, 1980's middle class dinner parties apart, recently i've become addicted to this horribly addictive and frankly, narcisistic new invention known as webcam. I sit in front of it, and suddenly tens and hundreds of random people want to know about me. Yes me.. is this what being well known is like?
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Some can speak english, others try but fail. They can construct sentences with the word tits in it, but thats as far as they go. Normally arabs.
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occasionally you meet more interesting people and they actually make me feel attractive for the brief period that im there, and believe me, that is a bloody hard thing to do.. sometimes i fancy them. Its always annoying, because you can't touch people on webcam... then i go back to reality, where i generally feel like an ugly old hag. I spend most of my days wondering how i can be so ugly and nobody else can really see it. I suppose its called being a woman isnt it? or maybe its just about being me.. anyway, webcam is almost becoming preferable to real life. That has to be wrong doesn't it?
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i suppose it must be really funny watching what people get upto behind closed doors. Staring at me in my dirty pyjamas. Its funny, they dont know that their dirty!
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On webcam they call me pretty, sexy and lot of other things that make me feel as if somehow i was something special. It never happens to me in real life. What it is that i do on there, that i don't do in real life? perhaps in real life they can see that my pyjamas are dirty? perhaps they see the bags under my eyes.. who knows? perhaps men are afraid to say nice things to me in real life. i dont know. Maybe they are lying, but what for? its not like there going to get anything from me is it? i mean, im 1000s of miles away. I even get women admirers. They bug me and never go away.
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i think that on webcam, i become a different personality, someone who has lots more confidence and doesn't get hurt as easily as she should. I mean, on the internet, i don't care if people call me names, or get into arguements with me really. Thats the not the same as real life is it? in real life it hurts doesnt it? on the internet it doesnt hurt so much.
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i suppose most people on there are guys. I dont really have any competition. I guess the answer, is just to get rid of all the other women in the world, and then real life will get a bit better for me?
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oh well.. maybe i should just become middle class and ask my friends kids how school is...

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perhaps the real meaning of the internet is that you can make friends and talk about things that in real life, are just too difficult. Perhaps webcam is somewhere you can feel the emotions that you don't let yourself feel in real life, eh?

june evenings and womens football teams...

on monday, i was teaching a spanish class.

somebody found a pink cloudy my little pony or something like that, pen on the the floor.
someone offered it to the only male student in the class! he says... it cant be MINE can it!!

so why cant it be yours? what is it about the male social role that means they will not let themselves show a certain aspect of their personality. Poor C. i hope he doesnt mind me using him as an example?

i've been thinking about aspects of being female, where can i do things, where can i not? i think the most difficult thing about being a woman, is it is generally less acceptable to be scruffy. when you get a guy who walks into class wearing the same clothes that probably havent been washed in 5 months, nobody notices, or they just say.. he's just a young man. If i did it, i think it would signify some kind of sexual disfunction?

what else? well.. going out for a walk on your own past 6pm, people start wondering what you are doing. i have a river near to me, so when my partner is back from work it means i can escape for 15 minutes from my house. its june, its light, and the evenings are wonderful arent they? i love walking but im starting to realise that it makes me feel a bit uneasy these days. i'm not really sure what im saying here?

i suppose if someone found a football on the floor and they gave it to me, i'd probably be like.. er.. why are you giving it to me! (even though i love football). i suppose when that happens, i'm scared of the way other people view my sexual and gender identity? maybe thats what it is. I think everyone has male and female inside them are they are terrified to express it because nobody else does..

if a man picks up a pink pen, it must mean his is gay, wierd? maybe even a paedophile.

my god isnt this world bloody crazy.

no i mean it, this world is totally and completely round the bend..

actually i think that because he makes an issue of the pen being pink it does show some kind of conflict within him. Its like, i want to pick up this pen, but, there is NO WAY im doing it! im a man and men arent allowed to write with pink pens?

i've talked about the male role being very squeezed up, just like a lemon thats been used to make lemon juice

i think these days, women are like the lemon juice and men are the squeezed up remains. You cant have one without the other, but the circumstances are very different.

the question has to be for men, how can they change that around, how can they make it so it doesn't threaten their entire existence if they pick up a pink pen?

i've talked alot about this with men, both in reality and in the internet, and im torn between two arguments, one that says im right, and men need to get over these little fears they have.. and others who say, men dont want to become like women!! men want to go their own way.

i dont know what this means at all. im not sure they know what it means either? i hope they do, but i doubt it.

besides, how is using a pink pen becoming like a woman?? my god, they really do not understand at all do they? a pink pen, is something that might have made a young kid, probably a girl, smile sometime 5 years ago. lets get a bit of perspective here!!!

anyway, while i was out walking yesterday, there was a group of women footballers practising. the coach (a man, as per usual) kept looking at me.. im 5'9" and i can do 100 kick ups with a football.. he must have thought, hmm, is this a member of my team turning up late?

no, im not in a womans football team, and although i like football, something i saw in asda the other day really put me of it totally..

a womens team was collecting for a new strip. it was white and blue stripes with white socks. they were offering to do the packing in return for a small contribution, to be made in a bucket.

on the bucket it read.... 'the future of football is female...'

i didnt make a contribution, and thankfully the guy collecting (mangina) didnt bother asking me. I am a woman, but you know what, women are CRAP at football. Im about as good as it gets and compared to any bloke down the street im rubbish. I went through a phase in my mid teens where i thought that i was as physically able as a man. I thought i could objectify my feelings like them, but.. a few arm wrestles and a couple of games of table football later, and i had changed my mind...

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I can get bitter about things the other sex does better than me. but, thank god i came to that

conclusion as soon as i did. I learned to apreciate them instead of trying to be like them. Although deep down we're all the same aren't we?? what contradictions i live with inside myself.

oh well....

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so, anyway, the future of football is definately not female, and if it is, then football has no future. I love watching the way the men move around, how they drive and move the football around the pitch, the passion, the commitment that they show. I love the passion of it all, its something that feminism is scared of. well it doesnt scare me.. its brill. i love it.

womens football? balls of fat running around with a pony tail wiggling at the back? you cant tell which one is the ball and which one is the player can you? so....thanks, but no thanks. Dont try and tempt me into something that im not good at.

anyway, what does this mean? well, it occured to me just how deep routed the feminist agenda is in our minds.

A man collecting for a womans football team, with a bucket saying the future of football is female!...and, in a national supermarket chain

if they had asked me for a contribution, i would have said, 'i would have contributed, but i prefer watching men play, and as they have no future, why contribute!!!' or is that one of those thing i wished i had said, when really i'd not have said anything? who knows. as a woman though i think i have a responsibility to point these things out. The situation men are in is that they cannot even stand up forthemselves anymore. maybe if i start the ball rolling??

my god and people call me a feminist. that really gets on my nerves. I am not a feminist, feminists believe in women, MRA's believe in men. Lucia Vega believes in lucia vega and a hand full of men and women that i met in my life, on the internet and in my family. They tend to be left handed, but not always. I always like left handed people. They are normally a bit wierd, like me. But the really wierd ones are left handed and right footed, or right handed and left footed.

watch out for them!!!! im left handed and left footed. but i use scissors with my right hand.

so, dont get me wrong, some men do have a hell of a lot to learn from some women too. something the mens movement has not even tried to address. the mens movement certainly does not want the gaping differences between some men pointing out. they hate me when i do it..

oh yeah and has anyone noticed just how enormous the new generation of young men are.. i was in the park yesterday, and there were a group of them lying in the sun, and throwing a football around. they were enormous, big shoulders tanned in the sun, all of them at least 6 foot 2.

well at least they are getting fed properly, so its not all bad men, is it? somebody is looking after you somewhere....

a males guide to my sexuality part 2

im not going to pretend that this is a good, organised and well thought out post, but here it is:

another thing that is definately not talked about enough is the way we feel with each other in the bedroom... yes, im talking about sex

when you go on a first date with a man, and things go well, you might go back home with him, or more scarily, to his place.

well, lets get things straight.. the power between us starts there. Who's house are we at. If im going back to his place, then sex, is going to happen isnt it? if im taking the risk that he is a total nut, then i might as well risk it right?

does it happen like that? no. Guys get worked up really quickly, and i think this can go two ways.

one) if i want to have sex, then great. i dont really have to do anything, i never have to put my true feelings on the outside, and he makes it happen. brill, everyone is happy.. or

two) for some reason i panic and decide that i DONT want sex. he gets more and more worked up, and the more he wants it, the more i dont want it. He gets hurt, and feels rejected, and i feel like a total sex moron, like a 10 year old girl who has not ever learnt how to control herself yet.

an important thing here for guys to understand, is that when i say i dont want sex, i am not choosing that. If i was to have sex, i would go through all the emotions of being raped, and although it would not be rape (the poor guy hasnt got a clue), it would really, really mess me up. Im not choosing it, sometimes, for some reason that i dont understand, i just CANT do it emotionally. I dont bloody understand it, and dont tell me that im hiding some feminist agenda. I have really tried to understand this one and i just cant. maybe some woman somewhere else has come up with that answer.

i was reading a blog yesterday, by canadian (on my blog list) and he was saying that all guys really want, is for someone to suck their dick, while they watch other people having sex? Yes, i think thats what he was saying, apparently, thats it, thats what it is to be a man. Well great, but im missing something here.

if thats what it is to be a man, what is it to be a woman? Do i like watching other people have sex? er.. depends on who it is, no.. wait, no, i dont really. no, actually i do.. you know what, i dont actually know. I suppose i do admire men in that way, because they seem very focused about what they want sexually. Do you like watching other people eat food?

what turns me on? chest hair, stubble. what turns me off, me, the thought that i am being turned of, turns me off.

i like the tension that develops on a night out.
i like people sucking my nipples, hard. it gives a sharp pain, but yet its a dull pain that feels good?

i like wearing sexy clothes. i like men watching me when i do that. i like putting my hands on his chest and pretending that i am somehow bigger and more powerful than him.

wow this is difficult, i never realised how little i knew about myself sexually.

hold on, i was supposed to be talking about communication between the sexes wasnt i?

ok, when i say no, i do mean no (although that no, can be made into a yes, if my emotional state changes) this is the biggest problem that men and women face i think.

can men say no? yes, i think they can. although im guessing. They can certainly say no, after they feel rejected by me, but its more a fuck off you bitch no, rather than a no, i dont want sex no.

the wierdest bit about sex is after a guy ejaculates, thats it.. i sit and watch while it appears he goes through every emotion under the sun. I've talked a guy about that before and he told me that he has a really quick mood swing.. wierd..

i suppose after this initial process goes past, we get used to each other and the problems disapear more, but i suppose, that means that so does the excitement of something new and risky.

canadian says on his website that men really do think about sex all the time. I hardly ever think about sex. i wish i thought about it more. When i was 17-18 i suppose i thought about it alot more? but i didnt really know what it was then.

i think the morale of this story is, that if you can understand anything of what i have just written, then you are doing VERY well. congratulations, because this woman doesnt have the faintest clue about what her sexuality is or how it works. (but at least, im willing to admit it)