Friday, 27 June 2008


hay hombres que se mueven.. hay hombres que se agitan.
hay hombres que no existen.. hay hombres que no gritan.

hay hombres que respiran.. hay hombres que se ahogan.
hay hombres que ocultan la verdad.. hay hombres que roban

hay quien apuesta fuerte y decide quererte.. sabiendo lo fácil que resulta perderte

¿sabes que siempre estaré cerca de tí?

hay hombres que te compran.. hay hombres que se venden

hay hombres que recuerdan.. hay hombres que mienten

hay hombres que prefieren no hablar.. hay hombres que no entienden

hay quien no tiene suerte y prefiere engañarte.. sabiendo lo fácil que resulta ganarte

¿sabes que nunca me iré lejos de tí?

tienes que aprender a resistir.. tienes que vivir..

esto no lo tengo, esto no lo hay. Esto no lo quiero y esto que me das

hay quien apuesta fuerte y decide quererte.. sabiendo lo fácil que resulta perderte

sabes que siempre estaré cerca de tí..

hay quien no tiene suerte y prefiere engañarte.. sabiendo lo fácil qué resulta ganarte..

sabes que nunca me iré lejos de tí..

hoy hay luna llena, y un hombre camina por ella...


Friday, 30 May 2008


war.. is not honour, war.. is not valor, war.. is not sacrifice.

war.. is killing, war.. is hurt, war is aggression and war is empty

soldiers aren't heros, soldiers aren't brave

soldiers are manipulated, soldiers are murderers and soldiers are cowards

if there were no soldiers there would be no wars.

Friday, 21 March 2008

la caja de pandora

i feel a little guilty tonight.. and maybe a bit unhappy too, but its all my fault you see? I opened up Pandora's box again tonight.. i have a habit of doing this? i think its part of the insecure part of my personality..
for the first time in a long time today, i got a chance to go clothes shopping with my mum. We walked into town in the blustering wind, finding it pretty difficult to hear what each other was saying. What is it with march? why does it blow so much. what is it trying to blow away, and push far away into the distance?? anyhow, eventually we got there and began to look around the shops.
At first, mum wanted to buy some chocolate brazil nuts for my dad, who's not feeling very well, so we went into the first shop and she bought some. Then we went into a few clothes shops, you know, the ones that only have fashionable lines now, and never have any size over 12? well, anyway, i can fit into 12's just about, and i managed to find a jumper for 3 pounds that really suits me.. you know now that i've worn it all day, i've got bored of it.. but thats how it is with clothes right?
but, anyway, that was a good thing and it made me feel pretty good. Buying clothes always does, i suppose it gives you a chance to see yourself in a different light, if only for a short while? Afterwards, we looked through a few other shops, and my mum was constantly being really nice to me, telling me how things suited me, she said how well i was looking.... amazing i thought? something had to be wrong. My mum was being too nice to me, she's never this nice? but i just thought, oh well! its good isn't it? and we carried on. Later when we had both got tired and she had not found the new cardigan top, the type that she always wears, we decided to have a coffee in a bar and ended up talking about this and that, and it was all very nice!
Actually, I think the waiter fancied me.. i fancied him! they always look so big and overpowering behind those bars, so i gave him a big smile! He then brought the coffees all the way upstairs.. what a nice chap, and what a great bit of manipulation! So, altogether a good day for me i was thinking! there are few things like a knowing-stare between two people to sweep you of your feet and into the clouds again.. and all spent with my mum? its amazing, we had no arguments, no acusations or anything! I think she's really trying to get on with me. The problem, is with me, in that I think that maybe i didn't return it. I didnt return the good feeling that she had given me all day?
so why not? well.. later i got back and went to have tea at my parents house, i thought.. hmm perhaps i shouldn't go i don't want things to go wrong and spoil a good day, but anyway, not fancying another night alone in a cold empty house (my partner is in spain with my kids, again?) i decided to go.
soon, as always seems to happen when im alone with my mum and dad, we got talking about all the thoughts that keep going around and around in my head.. this time it was abortion, feminism, anti feminism and all of those bloody things that keep giving me such a headache?? sooo i ended up telling them, a bit arrogantly, how i knew just so much about it all now, and that i had seen things from a different point of view to them. From a new perspective?! perhaps, and maybe this is all down to the past year or so of being indoctrinated by the mrm into their way of seeing things..
however, as those kind of conversations always go, they always seem to ends up in kind of an argument, where two of us takes sides against the one.. and tonight i think it made my mum feel bad. She had made such an effort and for it to end like that, it wasn't right, and its my fault.. I feel like i've opened their eyes to something that perhaps i shouldn't have? as if i somehow opened pandoras box in my relationship with them? oh god, i feel so bad, and so guilty!! what happens if this makes some kind of wedge between them in their relationship? what if it affects my relationship with them? why didn't i think about this before? perhaps im turning into a self-righteous arrogant bitch? do you think so?
i feel like i've been trying to convert them into something, and i dont really know why? i've got a bee in my bonnet this time and i feel like i ruined a really nice day. I rarely get to spend time with my mum without children, or nasty bitchy arguments.. Why am i involved in all this? why do i seem to care about it? its nobodies fault but mine is it? We even ended up looking up talking all kinds of bizarre things that no child should ever talk about with their parents! I like calling myself a child again, cant you tell??
so, anyway i feel like i've done something really bad today. For the first time in a long time i feel like i am not making enough effort, and caring in my relationship with my parents.. is it true? if this mrm stuff is true, then why does it make me feel bad talking about it? what is it that i am sacrificing when i talk about it with people that are close to me?
dear diary, im not sure what i should do now? I feel nervous and anxious, and im all alone again.. Perhaps i should just leave things and see what happens. Things always feel better after a nights sleep dont they? The problem is that once you opened pandora's box, then it doesnt shut again does it??
perhaps im scared, maybe thats what it is. Scared of something changing in life? Oh well, it is march again, and i suppose march, much like october, is a month of changes. The winter blows its way out and the flowers and birds return? I love the scent of the air, on those long evenings when the sun manages to shine for a while..
that sounds good doesn't it? but i still feel bad.. i cant cover up my feelings by writing things that make me happy anymore.. its not true, i dont deserve to be happy tonight. Im sorry i want to shut the box again, but i can't can I?

Friday, 14 March 2008

je suis d'une génération désenchantée

tout est chaos
a côté
tous mes idéaux: des mots
je cherche une âme, qui
pourra m'aider
je suis
d'une génération désenchantée


Tuesday, 12 February 2008

at the park

dear diary, here is another chapter in my relationship with my mother. I argue with her all the time, but yesterday, something kinda made sense to me!

i was on my own yesterday my partner had just got back from madrid and had not really slept in 3 days so i had to do something alone with my two 3 year old daughters..

so silly me, i rang my mum up because she normally looks after my two nephews on monday because my sister is working, and her man (not married) is working in london for a months. My daughters get on well with my nephews so it makes things easier sometimes the days can be very long.

anyway, im feel like im quite a dosile person, im pretty dull really, totally the opposite of my mother and my sister.. i mean i like kids but i get tired all the time, and all the cutting and sticking activities that most mothers get involved with give me a headache.. i just see the hoovering up afterwards, and find it difficult to enjoy the activity... I always felt like there was something missing in me, but yesterday i kinda realised that its actually the other way round?

there is a hill near where i live that goes down onto some sports fields and J. my oldest nephew starts running down.. he trips and lands on his chin, meanwhile his body continues and just before it gets to the point where it would have snapped his neck, it stopped. i mean, he was very close to being killed.. my mother was not looking after him. Nobody has obviously EVER told him to be careful. They dont care. His dad is never there, his mother is a bossy bitch who is only happy with him while he does as he is told, to suit her.. my mother is the same.

so what happens? i said to him, j. you know, you nearly killed yourself then (hes only 3).. and my mum jumps in saying,

'don't tell him that stop being stupid'

so i shut up? and i spent the whole of the rest of the day feeling upset but i didnt know why? then suddenly i got home and it all became clear to me!! its that she's trying to cover up the parts that she doesn't like about herself. She is a useless person when it comes to looking out for the safety of children.. its so bad that sometimes i think that doesn't care about his well being at all!? she only cares about being seen as mrs perfect grandmother! is that what is going on?

when i tell J. that he needs to look after himself, its more important to my mother that what happend is swept under the carpet, than that J. actually learns something? Thats why i was upset allday.. because i cared about him and i was horrified by what happend..

J's father is never there, and has no interest in children. Who is going to teach him? Once his father (my brother-in-law in name, not in marriage) drove all the way round to my house, just so i could change J's nappy!

meanwhile, my sister is the same as my mum, while everyone is celebrating how wonderful she is, everything is fine, but if anyone says anything against her its a whole big tantrum and strop, where everyone takes her side and makes it look like you are at fault.

so, why does she treat me like the ugly unwanted annoying daughter who is a constant irritation? i think its because my mum had an affair with a man, who she loved and her love child was my sister.. then she married my dad (mangina) and had me to make sure of his income for the rest of her life. Meanwhile my dad has had 2 heart attacks in his early 60's and nearly died last week. Now he's got a pacemaker fitted.

anyway, what i realised, is that despite all the super mum activities both her and my sister do, the sticking, play dough, stuff that really gets on my nerves.. and all the crap mum ones i do, the truth is, when their children are about to kill themselves, they dont want to know.. it might make them look like bad? Their egos are more important, than their childrens welfare..

isn't it interesting?

i feel really good about that.. i learnt that i can do somethings well yesterday, and so did my nephew!