¡te quiero, Pepé!

My husband and my children are not here today. Actually, they have been away for five days, visiting my parents-in-law in españa.

'Its good isn't it?' i tell myself, good that N. and L. get to hear some castellano for a change.. english can be such a soul destroying language at times. It's good that A. has time to see old friends.. its good that my little girls get to know their grandparents.. yes its all good, except here i am, alone again. Its not good for me, i need to have people around me. I never used to be like that, but now i understand that its people that make my life colourful. I can survive for a while without them, but my life soon becomes empty and directionless.

Tonight i looked in the mirror at myself. I have a heart shaped necklace and i looked at it, thinking.. this is what life is. I have a heart inside me, just like the one on this necklace except mine is real.. its beating and it keeps me warm.. it makes me carry on, and yet, nobody is here to notice. Nobody can hear these thoughts that i have in my life. Nobody can see if im smiling or sad. My only friend is a computer screen, a keyboard and pepé the cuddly teddy bear, who keeps me company at night. Poor old pepé, i feel guilty if i don't tuck him in properly, and i hold his hand at night before we both fall asleep.

i think that the night is the worst part about being alone. When it goes dark, the whole ambience of the house changes. Suddenly i am aware if the door is locked or not. I hear someone talking outside the window, we live in a red brick terraced house. We don't have a front garden, just a pretty little window box that i have neglected recently.. still i guess the pansies will flower this week. Something to look forward too. Anyway, i hear voices outside, i am suddenly worried that they are intending to enter. When its day, i don't feel threatened like this.. i think the silence in the house is strange so when i go to bed that i lock the bedroom door. It makes me feel more secure. I put an extra pillow on A's side of the bed.. i think that if someone comes in, nobody can see i'm in bed.

what else am i supposed to do at night? i don't have a car, and i live in a not-so-great area of a not-so-important town in the middle of a cold and empty country. I feel scared to leave the house on my own. I don't really have any friends since my children were born, my whole life has become devoted to them, and now they aren't here. Maybe i'll go upstairs and watch a video.. lets see what do we have? the sixth sense? i've seen that one, and its got scary music.. not such a great thing, when its dark outside and your alone honey..

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well.. you know, im sorry pepé, its how i feel. I know you are up there keeping my bed ready for me really. You are like my third child, but i treat you badly when the others are around. I know that, i hope that one day you will understand why.. I promise you're going to have a proper mummy from now on ok?

well.. anyway, i've decided to come on here and spill out my feelings onto this strange website again. I sometimes go on webcam when i feel like this. I talk to some friendly, and yet distant and untouchable people on the internet. tonight, though, i just don't want to be stared at.

so i guess that its and i'm stuck in all alone again. I suppose that at least today i went out for a walk before it got dark. You know what happend? as usual, i was feeling self conscious and irratable, but i began wondering.. do we ever really notice the people who walk by? do they notice me, or are we still alone even when we're walking down the road?

today, while i walked, i saw two tall and handsome young men in army uniforms crossing the road. Did they realise that i am alive and have a heartbeat too? Did they notice when i walked past them? What goes on in their lives, do i notice them? do they feel their heart beating when they are alone, just like i do? I have so many questions that im afraid to ask and we see so many people every day. Who knows what has happend to them in their time. Are they happy or are they sad? I often wonder this when i see them pass me by. Today i saw two old men walking with each other. They seemed happy didn't they? have i seen anyone else today who was sad? i don't know.. maybe its more difficult to tell when someone is sad. Perhaps im not looking hard enough for it. Do they see that i am sad?

there is a whole lot of things to see in the world, every day.. but when im alone, i have nobody to tell, apart from pepé. I hope that he's not sad too..

oh well, i suppose i should really enjoy these feelings while they are there. Maybe thats what i have to learn from today...

its all about me!!

i've been banned from antimisandry! yay.... but you can't stop me saying what i think!

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i just want to highlight some of the immense comments of support i have recieved since the fated decision!

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dear annette:

"Do you even realize how she must be creaming in her panties (excuse me, KNICKERS) just thinking about how she...ONE PERSON...caused this entire forum to talk about HER? The ultimate female fantasy: FULL ATTENTION...... When a woman is as annoying and whiny as FC is, its because she needs a good seeing-to"

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its such a shame they banned me, i was just starting to like you. i think me and you could have got along really well!!

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well, er.. actually.. maybe not.
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from jbgood2:

"She got you guys fighting amongst yourselves right? Just like she set out to do! 'It's all about me". She's got the T shirt! "

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what a great idea! its not a t-shirt, its a crappy bit of paper, but result is the same! and i dont have a screen printer.. as you can see all i have is a cheap webcam and a free paint program.

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its time to start writing some proper things again, isnt it? i've wasted too much time in this republica bananera havent i?

feminism, bouvet island, the outback and poor little penguins!

i've become really interested in geography lately, there is so much in the world that i dont know about. We downloaded google earth, isnt that amazing! you can even see our little terraced red brick house on it!

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anyway, a friend of mine, K., just got back from australia and she says that she wants to drive across the continent, apparently there is a road right through the middle..

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so, i got on google earth, found the road and did the journey myself! it only took five minutes though..

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isn't australia a strange place, its like 1000's of miles of orange sand, with some bushes, and then this lonely little road going all the way through the middle.

it got me thinking, how lonely some places in the world are. Apparently the most remote island in the world is called bouvet island. I guess its pronounced in a french way, like "boo-vey"? Its like an iceberg with an anchor!!

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apparently, its so far away that the nearest place is antarctica and that has no people living there either? There is a thread now about it in my forum:

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http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi?board=geography&action=display&thread=1192634786

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anyway, this is my solution to the gender problem.

get all the MRA's and radical feminists, put them in a big wooden pirate ship and make them row all the way to bouvet island, and then make them stay there for ever and ever and ever!! Maybe they will evolve into penguins!!?

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i bet they'd end up having sex with each other!! hypocrites eh?

take the test - are you from planet neptune??

its here!! the test you've all been waiting for!
click below to take the test and find out!!

http://www.gotoquiz.com/welcome_to_planet_neptune

pleaselet me know what you got, leave me a comment!!

oh and don't forget to visit the new planet neptune forum..

http://luciavega.proboards101.com/index.cgi

october

i haven't really got much to write about lately.. its raining outside, but i don't feel down. October is a nice month really, i always feel like its the calm before the long nights draw in and the real cold begins.

I always get out the winter clothes around now, make space in a draw and get rid of the twins summer clothes. October is always a month where things change isn't it? The trees are slowly becoming orange, the strange party feel about life that you get in the summer is gone. There is still a nice scent in the air of what once was, but its blowing away in the wind..

I'd really love the autumn, but I know that winters coming along soon.

i used to like winter when i was little. we used to get snow back then? what has happend to it all, we never get any anymore. Snow always made the place look so pretty. I remember i used to wake up every winter morning with my fingers crossed that it had snowed! i opened the curtain and... nope.. it hadn't oh well, maybe tommorow.

anyway, you know sometimes when you get involved in things and you eventually come out of it? you look back and think... amazing, did i really believe in that? i'm a bit like that now..

i think that im in october in more than just the date on the top of the page. Its a time of change in my life, the way i feel about the world is changing.

recently, i've been lost inbetween feeling pretty down in the dumps, looking after children, trying to show my partner how important and how much i love him, while getting mixed up in a strange cult like movement called the male rights movement (mrm).

i don't really know how i got involved in it, but i know that at the beginning i was actually quite frightened by the mrm and thought i'd better find out what it was about. I had always felt that some things weren't fair to the male gender, and suspected that they might have a case sometimes. Not to mention the things that are unfair to women, and its about time i started talking about that more.. but, it's true, some things aren't fair to them.

the problem men have, is almost always they have brought it on themselves. I see the mrm as a movement of lonely people, when they write, i can feel the pain that they have in their lives. They don't understand that life is about life. Its about the moment, not the future..

you know what? i was completely wrong to be scared of them.

the mrm are no threat to anyone, they are really just another bunch of people lost in their own head and have an inability to relate properly to the rest of the world. Its part of the human condition i suppose, im not saying they are bad people, just misguided. When people are selfish, it eventually shines through and you'd have to be really stupid not to see it in the mrm. Im not saying that there aren't lots of stupid people out there, bless them, but, there is something in the macho psyche, that makes them completely unaware of how the rest of the world views them.

you know what? i actually quite like the world as it is, im pretty happy at the moment. I suspect those people aren't. I think thats why im drawn to them, its in my nature to want to understand and feel other peoples pain. I dont know why im like that, nobody can ever feel mine... but you know, there is no world wide conspiracy against them.. its because.. well.. they are men who forgot how to enjoy life. it seems to me, they are incapable of having fun anymore.

I suppose that they walk down the road, and look at everything they hate about the world. They look at women like me, and they hate us because we exist? They don't see the hanging basket with the geraniums outside the house, they missed it. Its gone now.. Thats what im trying to say, that feeling bad, is about focusing on bad things. What have we done to them? we haven't done anything, we, just like anyone else, are just trying to get on with our lives in the best way we know. If you look for the bad in the world, you will find it. Its important to know that my sunshine.

I'm still drawn to them though, i admit that.. i'm always interested in people and their wierd worlds, but i think thats where my interest finishes now? The summer has now gone and the world is beginning to change again. I dont think that there is any reason to be afraid of that is there?

It takes humility and sensitivity to make a good world for yourself. Extreme people in my opinion, dont know how to do this, or they forgot about it.. you know, it's not about competition, its about understanding isnt it?

What i can say to people lost in the bad feeling of any group like the mrm, is that when you talk about loyalty, you mean intolerance. When you talk about brothers, you mean slaves. When you talk about women, you mean people who are trying to be happy. If you are really that intellegent, why are you in the situation you are in? Have you asked yourself that? why can't you hear what im saying..

its october, and things change. but it has to come from the inside, not from the outside.

next time you walk down the road, don't hate me. Why do you all hate me? Remember that i told you to look at the flowers. remember that you can choose to see the good in life, but you have to know that there is no party.. there is no crowd cheering you on. It's about noticing the flowers, instead of seeing the storm coming in. Next time you feel hate, remember me, and look for the flowers..

in the night garden

dear diary,

i just wanted to write something down tonight because i've just had such a wonderful night. Tonight my faith in life has been restored so much i can't say how much because i just feel so happy like i've got a feeling in my stomach, i just dont want to ever go to sleep again! my fingers are tingling while im writing this and im smiling like i haven't smiled all week long.

whats happend tonight? well..

firstly i had a good hair day today.. always a vital part of any good day (why is that, isn't it bloody annoying?) but that happens all the time nothing special right?

well ok but next, im waiting to go to my class, i bloody hate classes i always get really nervous before i go, like the whole worlds going to end when i walk in the room. That feeling i get when i walk in if nobody is talking they all stare at me and wait while i agonisingly get my folder and pen out of my bag. Why am i a teacher???

Tonight, they were all nice to me! wow isn't that just so nice. Yeah, thats why im a teacher!

anyway, thats not all.. thats just the beggining!

i was talking to a friend of mine on webcamera. I love webcamera you can meet a whole world of people in like, 20 minutes before you have to go out. Isn't it novel eh? well anyway, D. has a little girl and she's watching TV! i don't know what it is about men looking after babies but they just make me feel like life is worthwhile. She looks like her dad, one more for the good! D. is someone who makes me feel like life is worthwhile. Sometimes its ok to say how you feel right?

anyway that's not all that made me smile,

...i got back from my class, and i read a letter an internet friend of mine, otis.. he has commented on here before. He had written back to somebody that hates me. I just couldn't believe it, someone supporting me??? lol, take that you nasty people! O. hates women? or does he just believe in seperation of the sexes? im not sure. I think he's someone who hasn't learnt how to seduce women properly yet... but maybe im the naive one? Maybe he knows and hes not interested in us. He's got all the tools, and he knows that we always want what we can't have..but he's too scared of using them isnt he? Its too easy for him he wants more of a challenge right?

anyway, heres what he wrote..

http://antimisandry.com/average_age-t7374p11.html?t=7374&page=11

O. seems to be another person who has actually made me believe in people again. Its not often that happens and when it does, i think its important that I recognise it. The last time someone made me feel like i do now was ages ago - i wrote a post about it, the link is..

http://luciavega.blogspot.com/2007/06/this-is-short-post.html

i don't really hate anyone, i feel awkward with some people, and some i feel like they hate me, but i can't really return it for long.. I don't think that there is that much to life, but people who make me feel accepted, are the best thing in my life. I suppose thats why we love being with kids so much.

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sometimes in life its difficult to see the good in people because we don't know how to show it. We never learn how to express positive sides to ourselves because we get rejected for it when we are young? or maybe we are rejected during our whole lives.

is that right? i don't know i don't really understand why some people are nasty, when its not neccesary. I don't know maybe im guilty of that too.

Still im a pisces and were all a bit like that aren't we. To lost in ourselves and not aware of the funfair that goes on around us??? typical fishies.

anyway, i have to go to bed.. well actually, i ought to go to bed, but tommorow i won't feel like this so best to write it down now?

so.. O., D. and especially mini-D, thankyou, because you've really made my night..