My husband and my children are not here today. Actually, they have been away for five days, visiting my parents-in-law in españa.
'Its good isn't it?' i tell myself, good that N. and L. get to hear some castellano for a change.. english can be such a soul destroying language at times. It's good that A. has time to see old friends.. its good that my little girls get to know their grandparents.. yes its all good, except here i am, alone again. Its not good for me, i need to have people around me. I never used to be like that, but now i understand that its people that make my life colourful. I can survive for a while without them, but my life soon becomes empty and directionless.
Tonight i looked in the mirror at myself. I have a heart shaped necklace and i looked at it, thinking.. this is what life is. I have a heart inside me, just like the one on this necklace except mine is real.. its beating and it keeps me warm.. it makes me carry on, and yet, nobody is here to notice. Nobody can hear these thoughts that i have in my life. Nobody can see if im smiling or sad. My only friend is a computer screen, a keyboard and pepé the cuddly teddy bear, who keeps me company at night. Poor old pepé, i feel guilty if i don't tuck him in properly, and i hold his hand at night before we both fall asleep.
i think that the night is the worst part about being alone. When it goes dark, the whole ambience of the house changes. Suddenly i am aware if the door is locked or not. I hear someone talking outside the window, we live in a red brick terraced house. We don't have a front garden, just a pretty little window box that i have neglected recently.. still i guess the pansies will flower this week. Something to look forward too. Anyway, i hear voices outside, i am suddenly worried that they are intending to enter. When its day, i don't feel threatened like this.. i think the silence in the house is strange so when i go to bed that i lock the bedroom door. It makes me feel more secure. I put an extra pillow on A's side of the bed.. i think that if someone comes in, nobody can see i'm in bed.
what else am i supposed to do at night? i don't have a car, and i live in a not-so-great area of a not-so-important town in the middle of a cold and empty country. I feel scared to leave the house on my own. I don't really have any friends since my children were born, my whole life has become devoted to them, and now they aren't here. Maybe i'll go upstairs and watch a video.. lets see what do we have? the sixth sense? i've seen that one, and its got scary music.. not such a great thing, when its dark outside and your alone honey..
'Its good isn't it?' i tell myself, good that N. and L. get to hear some castellano for a change.. english can be such a soul destroying language at times. It's good that A. has time to see old friends.. its good that my little girls get to know their grandparents.. yes its all good, except here i am, alone again. Its not good for me, i need to have people around me. I never used to be like that, but now i understand that its people that make my life colourful. I can survive for a while without them, but my life soon becomes empty and directionless.
Tonight i looked in the mirror at myself. I have a heart shaped necklace and i looked at it, thinking.. this is what life is. I have a heart inside me, just like the one on this necklace except mine is real.. its beating and it keeps me warm.. it makes me carry on, and yet, nobody is here to notice. Nobody can hear these thoughts that i have in my life. Nobody can see if im smiling or sad. My only friend is a computer screen, a keyboard and pepé the cuddly teddy bear, who keeps me company at night. Poor old pepé, i feel guilty if i don't tuck him in properly, and i hold his hand at night before we both fall asleep.
i think that the night is the worst part about being alone. When it goes dark, the whole ambience of the house changes. Suddenly i am aware if the door is locked or not. I hear someone talking outside the window, we live in a red brick terraced house. We don't have a front garden, just a pretty little window box that i have neglected recently.. still i guess the pansies will flower this week. Something to look forward too. Anyway, i hear voices outside, i am suddenly worried that they are intending to enter. When its day, i don't feel threatened like this.. i think the silence in the house is strange so when i go to bed that i lock the bedroom door. It makes me feel more secure. I put an extra pillow on A's side of the bed.. i think that if someone comes in, nobody can see i'm in bed.
what else am i supposed to do at night? i don't have a car, and i live in a not-so-great area of a not-so-important town in the middle of a cold and empty country. I feel scared to leave the house on my own. I don't really have any friends since my children were born, my whole life has become devoted to them, and now they aren't here. Maybe i'll go upstairs and watch a video.. lets see what do we have? the sixth sense? i've seen that one, and its got scary music.. not such a great thing, when its dark outside and your alone honey..
.
well.. you know, im sorry pepé, its how i feel. I know you are up there keeping my bed ready for me really. You are like my third child, but i treat you badly when the others are around. I know that, i hope that one day you will understand why.. I promise you're going to have a proper mummy from now on ok?
well.. anyway, i've decided to come on here and spill out my feelings onto this strange website again. I sometimes go on webcam when i feel like this. I talk to some friendly, and yet distant and untouchable people on the internet. tonight, though, i just don't want to be stared at.
so i guess that its and i'm stuck in all alone again. I suppose that at least today i went out for a walk before it got dark. You know what happend? as usual, i was feeling self conscious and irratable, but i began wondering.. do we ever really notice the people who walk by? do they notice me, or are we still alone even when we're walking down the road?
today, while i walked, i saw two tall and handsome young men in army uniforms crossing the road. Did they realise that i am alive and have a heartbeat too? Did they notice when i walked past them? What goes on in their lives, do i notice them? do they feel their heart beating when they are alone, just like i do? I have so many questions that im afraid to ask and we see so many people every day. Who knows what has happend to them in their time. Are they happy or are they sad? I often wonder this when i see them pass me by. Today i saw two old men walking with each other. They seemed happy didn't they? have i seen anyone else today who was sad? i don't know.. maybe its more difficult to tell when someone is sad. Perhaps im not looking hard enough for it. Do they see that i am sad?
there is a whole lot of things to see in the world, every day.. but when im alone, i have nobody to tell, apart from pepé. I hope that he's not sad too..
oh well, i suppose i should really enjoy these feelings while they are there. Maybe thats what i have to learn from today...
well.. anyway, i've decided to come on here and spill out my feelings onto this strange website again. I sometimes go on webcam when i feel like this. I talk to some friendly, and yet distant and untouchable people on the internet. tonight, though, i just don't want to be stared at.
so i guess that its and i'm stuck in all alone again. I suppose that at least today i went out for a walk before it got dark. You know what happend? as usual, i was feeling self conscious and irratable, but i began wondering.. do we ever really notice the people who walk by? do they notice me, or are we still alone even when we're walking down the road?
today, while i walked, i saw two tall and handsome young men in army uniforms crossing the road. Did they realise that i am alive and have a heartbeat too? Did they notice when i walked past them? What goes on in their lives, do i notice them? do they feel their heart beating when they are alone, just like i do? I have so many questions that im afraid to ask and we see so many people every day. Who knows what has happend to them in their time. Are they happy or are they sad? I often wonder this when i see them pass me by. Today i saw two old men walking with each other. They seemed happy didn't they? have i seen anyone else today who was sad? i don't know.. maybe its more difficult to tell when someone is sad. Perhaps im not looking hard enough for it. Do they see that i am sad?
there is a whole lot of things to see in the world, every day.. but when im alone, i have nobody to tell, apart from pepé. I hope that he's not sad too..
oh well, i suppose i should really enjoy these feelings while they are there. Maybe thats what i have to learn from today...
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