the little unimportant things that can change everything

when i feel down, when sometimes it seems like their is no hope for the future, i go and lie in bed and wrap myself up in the covers. Its not a big change in my life, its just a little thing, but it makes me feel less alone. It helps me pass the bad feeling and unhappy emotions sometimes when i get down,

i think its to do with low oestrogen levels, but im not a doctor.

when i go to sleep i always like sleeping with something stuffed inbetween my legs, a pillow, the duvet cover... anything, i dont know why that is, i think i've always like the feel of things next to me, when nothing touches me i feel like i dont exist..

life can be difficult sometimes, when you have two little children running around asking constantly for this and that, then when you go to grandparents house, suddenly they dont care about you anymore, its all about grandma! it can really make you feel unloved, but its in the nature of children to go to the sun that shines the most right?

'estar al sol que mas calienta...'

im a pisces, i think we are all a bit like me, too reflective and we dont live enough. We are lost in our heads most of the time... although if i'd been born two hours earlier i'd be aquarius, although i guess both make me a water girl anyway so, we are all a bit like that..

isnt it funny how birthdays seem to go in periods? all of my family are either born in late november - december time (sagitarius) or late january - february (aquarius), OR in may (taurus and gemini)

my partner however is a scorpio. its wierd.. every single long term relationship i've had has been with a scorpion... they have a sting in the tail im told. Aren't they water too? i get on with them.

i have no idea why this is, i dont know anyone who was born in the summer at all, and yet in may, practically everyday i know someone who has a birthday..

i used to be a scientist and never believed in any of this kind of stuff but lately i've become a lot more feeling orientated.

i wear my hair in a pony tail all the time now because for some reason i dont feel comfortable wearing it down anymore. does that have any significance? who knows, i dont know.

anyway, i've been pretty down over the last week or so, probably due as much to the weather as anything else, but sometimes, when i feel like that, the bed covers are my best friend. They reflect the warmth that i sometimes want to feel and dont get in the real world.

im not saying that they solve anything, once i get up all the fears, paranoias and insecurities are still there, but its a start isnt it?

I dont really want to talk about why i feel down, i have my reasons and they are pretty depressing to me.

but, the little things like wrapping ourselves in our bed covers, and stuffing pillows between our legs can help us change our emotions and can be so important. They can give us hope where just before there did not appear to be any.

so i am saying that next time you feel down, wrap yourself up, cover your head and pretend that the whole world outside no longer exists. i do that now and it makes me feel ok again, like somebody cares.

why do young men withdraw from society?

why do young men withdraw from society?

what a difficult question to answer right??

well im not pretending to be up-to-date on the ins and outs of this question but i can give my own viewpoint from what i can see. I told myself long ago at university that i would never close down my creative thought just because i did not have facts to back it up. It is a recipe for disaster. Human nature and facts, dont mix very well.

anyway,

why do men withdraw?

well, to know completely you would have to interview every single one of them, impossible right? yes.. and even if you could, how do you know they are telling the truth? you don't.

so its left to people to theorise isnt it.

i think young men withdraw from society because its been stolen from them. Where these days can a young man express himself?

football? no, women's footballs on the increase isnt it? and its only an elite that perform on tele anyway.

the bar situation. something MRA's never understand about women, is that they only ever notice the ones that catch their eye.

when i was a teenager, like most of my friends, we used to go to the bar, stand around, getting drunk and hope and pray that some guy somewhere would come upto us and start some sort of interaction. It rarely happend, neither to me, or to my friends. The attention always goes to the ones that catch the eye. you know what? ALL the men focus on them, so they are on a hiding to nothing right? only a very small amount of men ever manage to catch this type of women, and it usually ends in tears.

the rest spend their time fighting with the others, and inventing some bravado story about what a man they are, when the truth is, that someone else got the girl. Young men need to recognise this. they need to reinvent what it is to be a failure as a man. You are not a failure, you just dont use your head enough...

i think lots of men grow out of this type of behaviour as they enter their twenties, but rejection by the alpha female, is not constructive is it? so. one reason.

why else might they withdraw? well, they are failing at schools arent they? or, at least, they are being beaten by girls. Im not a woman who will stand here and say girls are equally intellegent as men. In my experience men have a high intellectual level that seldom touches reality. They need the right woman to guide them along the right path, but when that happens they become unstoppable..

well, schools are no longer set up for boys. Read a spanish textbook? its full of pretty pictures, smiling faces.. and to be frank, its crap. To learn a language you need rigid grammar and blank boring exercises. I know this, and obviously feminising everything just turns boys (and to be honest, alot of girls) off. Smiling faces in a spanish book appeals to the lowest common denominator. Boys need to see language in action, they need to feel how it works, not sit in a boring class surrounded by silent and boring girls.

if i was a secondary teacher, i'd make them play football using spanish terms...

'dame el balon!'
'chuta, joder!'
'despeja, cabron!'

thats how some men learn better isnt it? i dont know. not all of them i suppose.

popular culture? well yeah, i watched TV last night and when the ads came on i counted how many adverts where 'gynocentric' (focused on women), at least 50% of them had a female carachter playing the main part. The others didnt really count as being gender based..

granted, i was watching desperate housewives, so its not going to be representative.. perhaps during the big match between man u and chelsea, the adverts are mostly male orientated. i dont know, i'll have to count.

but this isnt good for women either? it just makes us into empty vessels filled with unwanted needs that we can never fulfill.. so we look to men to fill this void created by advertising, and when they cannot, we blame them, and we try to change them until they fill our new found desires. So, nobody wins. The truth is, if it were upto me, i'd shoot the whole lot of advertising companies. Good job its not upto me i suppose..

anyway, what that means, is that men have no role at all in society, and women just consume. again, nobody wins.

however, its not all the fault of women. How many young men do i see when i go to the park with my daughters? not many.

men do not interact with children enough. i cant stress this enough. The male role i suppose does not encompass enough legroom to allow them to smile and enjoy childish games. Most women love being with children because it enables them to be a child again. I think men see this as not part of their role. Its no wonder they dont smile very much.

anyway, is it really true, are men withdrawing from society??

well, suicide levels are clearly very high amongst men. so that would suggest they are, but if you look at all the positions of political power they are almost always occupied by men, white men, normally. Hardly a sign of withdrawal?

no, what i think has happend, is that a 'cliche' or 'elite' of men has taken control of the world, and they dont want anyone else to join their gang. Women have never been allowed into power until now really, but what feminism missed, is that NEITHER were 90% of men.

this is were men and woman have to see our common goal. We are both oppressed by a overpowering class of people. Not just women, not just men. Please, i hope that one day, the MRA's and the feminist, will see their common interests.

i dont know the solution, but first you have to identify the problem.

feminism has also developed in a similar way, we are left with a 'cliche' of women, normally rabid man haters, who dont want anyone to join their club. At least, anyone who disagrees with them.

I dont see any future for women in following feminism at all. Eventually we will end up with the same situation we have now, accept with that cliche of women in charge. The ordinary woman on the street is no nearer to power than she was before.

i see young men walking around, waddling their shoulders, wearing their baggy trousers and oversized jumpers. Their jeans are so low down that i wonder how they stay up. have they withdrawn from society? more and more of them these days carry guns. Only a few months ago a young 17 year old was blown away not more than 1/2 mile away from me. Im scared, it terrifies me that these crazy mindless adolescents have the power to destroy everything that i have built in my life, and my children, for nothing other than a testosterone impulse.

i suppose im lucky, they look at me and dont see a threat. How could i be threatening to them? i wierdo woman walking down the street with a buggy and two small kids?

well, that 17 year old wasnt so lucky. Young men must be terrified to walk around these days. Each one of them so wants to prove what a man they are, and they now increasingly have the power to destroy. is this a sign of withdrawal? yes, they feel so desperate inside themselves that they have no value for either their own life, or that of someone else.

what has happend to them to become like this? what is missing from mens lives that they hate life so much?

why are they not taking part and instead killing themselves and each other?

i can't answer this question alone, i can only speculate and i think i do it badly alot of the time. I'm well aware of that having visited enough MRA websites and been called every name under the sun.

so, im a feminist am i? well.. listen to this..

rape is a primary destroyer of masculinity. I suppose most men, if they were allowed would go around raping, or at least, trying to have sex with as many women as possible.

rape, yes its a law that represses masculinity isnt it? perhaps they would all feel better if they could get the sexual release they strive for so much.

well.. i think the first step to sorting out the problem with men, is legalising prostitution. If they want to fuck, let them.. they have to pay for it and its not a problem, some women enjoy it. I've no idea how they can enjoy it, but they do. Good for them.

i think the reason it's illegal, is it maintains the ordinary man from thinking about moving up in the world. he is too bothered about getting rid of his sexual needs, and will do anything to get a release that is missing, blow people away, slit his wrists, screw up his school work. Anything.

so, thats the first step. after that, its upto men to decide, i cant help them.

lonely moments and how i deal with them

i feel lonely. i always feel lonely at this time of the week.

im stuck at home my children are with their grandparents. im waiting to go out to teach a class and my partner is working.

when i feel like this, because im bored i normally end up looking in the mirror at myself brushing my hair this way and then that.. then in a pony tail, up and down, until eventually it goes back to where it started originally. then i start focusing on all the things i hate about the way i look. the way the light catches my eyes, the way it changes the colour of skin tone i have.

so, i get bored and think.. danielle, thats enough self destruction for now, then i go into the other room and i turn on the internet and i see flashing lights, forums with opinions, irritating songs that i dont want to listen to. I'll check my email! oh no.. another message from Panda software? who the hell are they and why do they send me email..


friends reunited says that new members have joined! no, they havent! they all joined 6 years ago like me, and nobody cares anymore.

when i watch TV, or use the internet, i feel like the whole world is a party that nobody bothered to invite me too.

so what do i do? i sit down here and write down my thoughts as if that was somehow going to change the nature of how i am. well i suppose it gets rid of the bad feeling for a while doesnt it?

i sit with my legs crossed one over the other as if that somehow gives me the feeling that another person is with me, that somebody else is there. Then i wedge my hand inbetween my thighs, its nice and warm in there!

i've realised that if i fold my arms i feel more secure as if there were a barrier between me and the world outside. but i cant go and teach with my arms folded can i? oh dear..

i sit here and write this blog, as if anyone else was listening, as if anyone really cared about my life or the reason i am here in this place. is this what we all do? do we all sit in silence from time to time and fill our lives with empty feelings, and pretend obsessions. it has no inherent meaning at all does it?

im sitting staring at the black wall that is life again. My dad always told me that life was neutral. i suppose the meaning is what you give it, and when you feel alone, that is the meaning that it has.

i could go into town, and watch the rat race take place, people running around in suits and ties, trying to look important, as if somehow that let them escape the reality of life. Young men walking in a strange way to try and show to the world that they have some importance? they dont do they? neither does the girl who sits there in her tracksuit top that is too small for her fiddling with her over sized earing.

oh well, anyway, i feel better now. at least the sun came out this afternoon, i couldn't face another cold and dark rainy day.



the rain makes my life go out of focus.

so what do i wear to go to teach? yeah.. that old black hoody top of mine.. no, i dont like that anymore it makes me feel black and wet. what about that other top you bought 5 months ago that you try on every week and never wear because it makes you look to rigid and manly. well, maybe i'll try it again next week. how about the red tracksuit top with the white laces? no, that ones to warm and it'll make your cheeks go red when you laugh. well ok, lets try that t-shirt that you bought in asda last week? noooo its too adolescent and its got pink writing on it its not really suitable for a 29 year old teacher.... aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh

ok.. black hoody top it is. AGAIN..

better get on preparing personal pronouns i suppose.

so there you are.. my solution to loneliness and temporary depression is, cross your legs over, stick your hand inbetween them, try not to look in the mirror, and write something down, in a diary. Oh yeah, and put on music or the television, i forgot to mention that too.

it kinda works for me

evolution, and how it can tell us who we are?

last night i was lying awake at 3am. it was one of those nights where i can feel my heart beating really loudly. It makes me feel ill, because it reminds me of the fine line that we all live in, between life and death. Just this beating thing, that never stops. thats all it is.

i always wondered what it was about me, when i was 14, that made men feel they could poor out their emotions whenever i gave the faintest impression that i might understand them.

im a sensitive person. maybe other people dont notice their heart beating.

i normally see through the brave face people put on right through to their deepest inner worries and fears. I dont know why im like that, and neither do i know if im right most of the time.

i assumed that they did it because they didn't like me. they didnt fancy me, i was like their mother. they felt comfortable with me because i represented no threat to them. neither in love or in competition.

i dont know, i never had much luck with the opposite sex at that age. I had my first proper relationship when i was 18, and it didnt last very long because we lived too far apart. I went through life up until that point thinking that i was totally unattractive to the opposite sex, so i just assumed nobody could ever like me. I met my long term partner, to who i am married 8 years ago. He was the only person i ever met who made me feel like i was loved. There are thousands of people who want to poor out their inner souls to you given the chance, but very few who actually care about the person they are doing it too. my partner is the first person i met, who didnt poor out their inner soul at the press of a button.

what am i saying? im saying that men have emotions, i know its true.. it happend to me too often that i was the agony aunt. but at that age i also learned that they did not care about me.

i really dont know much about this new phenomena of a 'privilidged princess'. i've never felt like that. I think lots of men dont like them because they envy them. they want to become like them, accept in plan-ken instead of plan-barbie.

so, where am i going with this? i dont really know, but it has occured to me today that most women arent like me in that way. Im sure there are some men who are like that.

my dad told me that evolution is based around a group of people in the african plains. that we have not adapted from that, the new city-dwelling world, is nothing in terms of evolutionary time frames.

he says that for a group of humans to survive that group needs to represent every aspect of human needs.

we need some crazy people who will jump down the cliff to find the new pastures. maybe these manifest themselves in suicide bombers today. They have no place in the modern world..

we need some people who go out and find the food. we need some who will look after the new generation, some who are organised, and others who are creative..

they say that men were hunters, and women stayed back and looked after the children, and picked berries dont they?

well even so, within the hunters, you need some people who chase, others who catch and others that know which way the animals are going right? so, men, can be different from each other.

Within the female groups, some need to stop others from eating all the berries, some need to find the berries and others need to make sure the berries are not poisonous ones... so women can be different from each other.

i know this is a very basic example, but the point im trying to make, is men are not all the same, neither are women. If you believe in darwin then evolution, has made sure we are different..

the more i look at people the more i see it.. I used to think that difference between individuals was a reason why evolution couldn't be right. how could we evolve to be so different individually, from each other? but when you think of a group, it suddently makes more sense.

so im thinking that we must somewhere need some people who are emotional blankets like me. i just havent worked out why yet. I do serve a purpose, somewhere.. and so, maybe, do you!

perhaps the key to understanding ourselves is working out who we are and how we fit into that african plains group of people that we are still evolved to be?

for some reason we have this switch inside us, that makes us think we are all the same. I dont think its true. Feminism was beaten by it, and im worried that the MRM will be too.

material girls, make up and the human condition.

every now and again i come across a blog that makes me stand back and think, wow, you're interesting.

i found one today. im not going to put the link on my website because the last time i did that they didnt like it. but anyway i think this guy is impressive in his own masculine way:

http://truthformen.blogspot.com/

he talks about things that i've thought about myself. Madonna and her song, material girl. What is she talking about? he thinks she's talking about women, whereas, i know, that she is talking about herself.

Neneh Cherry is another one from that generation. Kisses on the wind. Manchild. She talks about men and how they should treat her. Perhaps though, she was a more caring person than madonna.

http://truthformen.blogspot.com/2007/04/what-makeup-reveals-about-character-of.html

i have no idea how he finds his information on make up. i'd like to know. i would also like to know, if he is aware, that he could be VERY wrong too? Its a very risky thing to do, judge people on the way they look. But, he's right. they ask for it dont they?? dont they??

im a woman who refuses to wear make up, apart from the occasional time that i feel my eyes need a bit of lightining up, hence a little bit of white eye enhancer. Having two kids, i can look like a tired old hag otherwise. but, hey i can laugh about it. I dont wear it, because it makes me feel self conscious, like im trying to portray something about myself, which i dont like to do. I try so hard to make my ideas my personality, not my appearance.

what about men and the way they look?

heres three of Lucia Vega's own stereotyped ideas, after all, all's fair in love and war right?

men with complete hairlines past the age of 25. NEVER trust them. In fact, i only ever trust men who have experience some degree of male pattern baldness.

men who part their hair at the side, are either gay, or repressed bisexuals. dont get involved.

men with long hair in a pony tail and a long trench coat. have small penises, as do men who are involved in driving around cars at speed. They try and compensate for their insecurity.

so, now we've past the stereotypes.

lets get down to the truth.

men these days are interacting with groups of young women who have no idea of what feminism was about, or why it was introduced. They only know, that whenever they have a problem, it can be blamed on men. They fear men, they fear the authority that men represent. They try and attack it in the only way they know. Their totally screwed up sexuality. Make up? theres more to it than that!

whos winning here?

men? no. they are no more at fault than anyone else. i feel sorry for them. most of them REALLY believe they are the problem! i suppose the MRM is going to change that eventually.

women? no. they have no power to sort out their own problems. while they are based on blaming men, they remain. Its your life honey, not his. Stop letting him take it over. he doesnt want too..

the problem, is the human condition.

we all have insecurities, desires, needs and wants. Its nobodys fault, its how we are.

i hope the mens movement will take this into account.

vivir asi, es morir de amor!

para Camilo sesto...

Siempre me traiciona la razon y me domina el corazon
no se luchar contra el amor
siempre me voy a enamorar de quien de mi no se enamora
es por eso que mi alma llora
y ya no puedo mas, ya no puedo mas
siempre se repite esta misma historia
estoy harto de rodar como una noria
vivir asi, es morir de amor
por amor tengo el alma herida

te tengo que dar las gracias por escribir esta cancion, porque se me ha quitado el miedo con que me quede esta manana..

whats missing for men??

what things might men ask for from the mens movement?

so far i havent seen too much thinking on men's part about where they want to be in 10 years time.

what is it, that has made them begin to form movements to change things?

what is it that they feel is missing from their lives?

well, i can only speculate but its what i like doing so here we go with a few ideas that i dreampt up last night...

i think men are missing out on parenting. i've got two young children of my own, and i work part-time. I have lots of time on my own with them, my partner also works part-time so we spend alot of our days together, with our children. Young children can turn a macho men into a loving caring father in no time at all.

maybe when a father looks at his child smile, when he realises that he has taught that child how to say daddy, that he has taught her that jumping up and down is fun! maybe he will also realise that people, that women, love him.

i think the modern man is far too detached from this. I dont know the answer, i suppose somebody has to work full time at some point? i dont know. But definately men need more time with children. You know what, im sick of going to the park and seeing only women. Men are great with kids, and not just them, but kids are missing out too.

so, longer paternity leave?? 2 years at least!! why not 3.

i think men are not allowed to show their sexuality in public. Much as i love a man in a suit, most male clothes, are practical, and not revealing. They represent security and not sexuality. I dont know how, but male fashion needs to exploit the male body more. I dont think any woman would have a problem with that!! again how and why, i dont know.. im not a fashion designer.

so, better male clothes

obviously, there are laws and things like that that are totally repressive of men. I dont know the ins and outs of those, and im sure lots of other guys know more than me about it. but i have to say that young women these days, are too aware of their privilidges over men in the eyes of the law. Its the same as the kids in the schools.

i've taugh in secondary schools, and the kids know far too much.. 'dont touch me', 'your not allowed to do this', etc. I think its destroying education and i would apply it further to the outside world too.

my sister goes to see the doctor because she's pregnant. She refuses to show her breasts to the doctor, and yet, when she goes to spain and is sunbathing she's got no problem showing them off to every tom, dick and harry. What kind of mess is that? its apalling the amount of respect young women have for good, decent male AND even female professionals these days.

it gets worse.. i had rosacea once, a mild skin problem that normally appears on the breasts.. i go to the doctor and as im about to take my top of to show him, he refuses! as their is no female nurse there, he wont look at them. He's scared of looking at me incase i cry abuse, rape or whatever shit feminism has invented to punish the poor guy.

so, without even looking at me, he prescribes me something for the problem.. who wins there? not me, because he's not treating me properly. not him, because he's in that awkward position that men (and teachers) find themselves in all the time these days.

Men have to stand up and say this. They have to point out the ridiculous contradictions with which the modern woman lives.

i want to know where men want to be. i want to know whats missing to make them so angry at ordinary women.