a males guide to my sexuality part 2

im not going to pretend that this is a good, organised and well thought out post, but here it is:

another thing that is definately not talked about enough is the way we feel with each other in the bedroom... yes, im talking about sex

when you go on a first date with a man, and things go well, you might go back home with him, or more scarily, to his place.

well, lets get things straight.. the power between us starts there. Who's house are we at. If im going back to his place, then sex, is going to happen isnt it? if im taking the risk that he is a total nut, then i might as well risk it right?

does it happen like that? no. Guys get worked up really quickly, and i think this can go two ways.

one) if i want to have sex, then great. i dont really have to do anything, i never have to put my true feelings on the outside, and he makes it happen. brill, everyone is happy.. or

two) for some reason i panic and decide that i DONT want sex. he gets more and more worked up, and the more he wants it, the more i dont want it. He gets hurt, and feels rejected, and i feel like a total sex moron, like a 10 year old girl who has not ever learnt how to control herself yet.

an important thing here for guys to understand, is that when i say i dont want sex, i am not choosing that. If i was to have sex, i would go through all the emotions of being raped, and although it would not be rape (the poor guy hasnt got a clue), it would really, really mess me up. Im not choosing it, sometimes, for some reason that i dont understand, i just CANT do it emotionally. I dont bloody understand it, and dont tell me that im hiding some feminist agenda. I have really tried to understand this one and i just cant. maybe some woman somewhere else has come up with that answer.

i was reading a blog yesterday, by canadian (on my blog list) and he was saying that all guys really want, is for someone to suck their dick, while they watch other people having sex? Yes, i think thats what he was saying, apparently, thats it, thats what it is to be a man. Well great, but im missing something here.

if thats what it is to be a man, what is it to be a woman? Do i like watching other people have sex? er.. depends on who it is, no.. wait, no, i dont really. no, actually i do.. you know what, i dont actually know. I suppose i do admire men in that way, because they seem very focused about what they want sexually. Do you like watching other people eat food?

what turns me on? chest hair, stubble. what turns me off, me, the thought that i am being turned of, turns me off.

i like the tension that develops on a night out.
i like people sucking my nipples, hard. it gives a sharp pain, but yet its a dull pain that feels good?

i like wearing sexy clothes. i like men watching me when i do that. i like putting my hands on his chest and pretending that i am somehow bigger and more powerful than him.

wow this is difficult, i never realised how little i knew about myself sexually.

hold on, i was supposed to be talking about communication between the sexes wasnt i?

ok, when i say no, i do mean no (although that no, can be made into a yes, if my emotional state changes) this is the biggest problem that men and women face i think.

can men say no? yes, i think they can. although im guessing. They can certainly say no, after they feel rejected by me, but its more a fuck off you bitch no, rather than a no, i dont want sex no.

the wierdest bit about sex is after a guy ejaculates, thats it.. i sit and watch while it appears he goes through every emotion under the sun. I've talked a guy about that before and he told me that he has a really quick mood swing.. wierd..

i suppose after this initial process goes past, we get used to each other and the problems disapear more, but i suppose, that means that so does the excitement of something new and risky.

canadian says on his website that men really do think about sex all the time. I hardly ever think about sex. i wish i thought about it more. When i was 17-18 i suppose i thought about it alot more? but i didnt really know what it was then.

i think the morale of this story is, that if you can understand anything of what i have just written, then you are doing VERY well. congratulations, because this woman doesnt have the faintest clue about what her sexuality is or how it works. (but at least, im willing to admit it)