webcams, being middle class, and looking like an old hag..

dear diary, time to write something new isnt it?
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well i've been away on holiday, it was 20 degrees (celsius NOT farenheit!!!) but i had to cope with in-laws traditional christmas fighting so just about came of even in the end. You know, when im away, i really miss my computer. I've become very attached to it, i was thinking while i was away.. my best friends these days tend to be random people on the internet, and you know what??
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i dont think im ashamed of that anymore.. should i be ashamed of that? i mean, you're not real people, are you? are you???
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im probably an anti-social type. I feel comfortable when i don't have to talk to anyone, when i don't have to portray any stupid image of the latest fashion in being a normal human being.
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along time ago, my mother spent most of my early years reminding me of this while she kept up with the jones's at her oh-so-middle class dinner parties. 'Well hello' they would say to me, not quite looking me in the eye.. 'how are things, how is life!?' and 'hows school!' sipping their wine, looking awkwardly like they weren't somehow real people...
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bloody hell, i dont know, im 10 years old! did you know that?? i want to run upstairs and cry. i cant really tell them that schools horrible can i? or that they bully me because im fat? they dont really want to know do they? or at least, they dont want to feel awkward in front of the Joneses.

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i suppose the answer to all this is to never trust anyone who asks you questions without looking in your eye. you can be nice to them, but something is not as it seems, is it?
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so, that was how i felt. I was always made to feel guilty for being anti-social. Like there was something wrong with me. Well you know what? there are lots of things wrong with me, but i dont care anymore, im a bloody wierdo, so shove that up your bum along with the wine, the pesto and the sun dried tomatoes..

anyway, 1980's middle class dinner parties apart, recently i've become addicted to this horribly addictive and frankly, narcisistic new invention known as webcam. I sit in front of it, and suddenly tens and hundreds of random people want to know about me. Yes me.. is this what being well known is like?
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Some can speak english, others try but fail. They can construct sentences with the word tits in it, but thats as far as they go. Normally arabs.
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occasionally you meet more interesting people and they actually make me feel attractive for the brief period that im there, and believe me, that is a bloody hard thing to do.. sometimes i fancy them. Its always annoying, because you can't touch people on webcam... then i go back to reality, where i generally feel like an ugly old hag. I spend most of my days wondering how i can be so ugly and nobody else can really see it. I suppose its called being a woman isnt it? or maybe its just about being me.. anyway, webcam is almost becoming preferable to real life. That has to be wrong doesn't it?
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i suppose it must be really funny watching what people get upto behind closed doors. Staring at me in my dirty pyjamas. Its funny, they dont know that their dirty!
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On webcam they call me pretty, sexy and lot of other things that make me feel as if somehow i was something special. It never happens to me in real life. What it is that i do on there, that i don't do in real life? perhaps in real life they can see that my pyjamas are dirty? perhaps they see the bags under my eyes.. who knows? perhaps men are afraid to say nice things to me in real life. i dont know. Maybe they are lying, but what for? its not like there going to get anything from me is it? i mean, im 1000s of miles away. I even get women admirers. They bug me and never go away.
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i think that on webcam, i become a different personality, someone who has lots more confidence and doesn't get hurt as easily as she should. I mean, on the internet, i don't care if people call me names, or get into arguements with me really. Thats the not the same as real life is it? in real life it hurts doesnt it? on the internet it doesnt hurt so much.
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i suppose most people on there are guys. I dont really have any competition. I guess the answer, is just to get rid of all the other women in the world, and then real life will get a bit better for me?
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oh well.. maybe i should just become middle class and ask my friends kids how school is...

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perhaps the real meaning of the internet is that you can make friends and talk about things that in real life, are just too difficult. Perhaps webcam is somewhere you can feel the emotions that you don't let yourself feel in real life, eh?