dear diary
i sometimes feel like my life is empty. Its not like a real thing, its just a feeling i get inside, in my stomach and it goes right up to my heart. Sometimes i wonder if my heart will just stop beating because i don't have the energy to keep it going.
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i felt like that last night, and i don't know where to turn. I can give my partner a cuddle, but the feeling of emptyness doesn't go away. I love him, i love him so much, love, is when you care. Its not about sex, or kissing, or going out to restaurantes. Thats something else isnt it?
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Sometimes im really amazed by the things people do in life. You turn on the television and you see adverts, and programs, all about the excitement of life, the things that happen. I never felt part of it. Its like a big party thats going on around you that you cannot touch.
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In my life i've found very few things that actually make me happy and smile. When my daughters call me, the sound of their voice makes me feel like im needed, like i do have a part in that party that is going on around me. I can be intimate with them without fear of agression. I suppose the relationship changes over time but i love being a mother, its the best thing i ever found in life.
There are also certain sexual encounters when suddenly felt alive, like suddenly there is a world going on inside me. I've spent far too long in my life trying to find that kind of situation. It always relates to me trying to be this perfect woman, and when i look in the mirror i am reminded of how far away from it i am.
Sex is like that, its something you spend your whole life thinking is so important, but you then spend your whole life trying to be something your not. That first sexual encounter, when you feel turned on for the first time. It leaves an imprint in your mind and can consume your whole life trying to find it again. Why else do we have plastic surgery, endless diets and the rest? We are looking for something that's already happend. I guess we'll never find it again.
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That feeling of emptyness inside is why i argue, its why i cry and why i spend hours in front of a mirror making sure every single hair is in the right place. Im running away from it, im hiding and pretending that there is something more to life than emptyness.
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There isn't is there? I fill it with red bull, with internet forums, arguements, clothes, hairstyles, music, travelling and languages. Im running away from it, just like i did from school when i was young.
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When my mum left me at school when i was 6 i looked around and i saw faces that i didn't recognise, people talking to me about things i didn't understand, rooms that i did not know, children laughing, while i felt terrified. I just ran, i just felt like i couldn't stay there. I suppose i spend alot of my life feeling like that. She never used to pick me up from school. I remember leaving and watching everyone elses mothers smiling at them, i just had to walk home alone. There was a tree at the bottom of the road and i used to pretend it was her.. everytime i walked home from school, i wished that tree would turn into my mum, but it never did.
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Then, when i was bullied by a group of people at secondary school, i lost my trust in people. I still haven't got that back, and i still see the bullies everywhere i go. Different faces, different names, but the same face, the same feeling of vulnerability. I'm scared of people. Still, i guess that nobody knows that, apart from me.
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When i go in to teach classes, i smile and pretend to be a really nice person, a good teacher. The truth is that i don't feel comfortable. I hate being looked at, i hate attention. I don't really know why im a teacher, but if i do nothing i just look in the mirror and end up wanting to slit my wrists.
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At least since i had children, i now feel like my life has meant something. I suppose this is what im saying, that watching something grow, caring and giving everything you can to someone that you love, is the only real answer to that emptyness. Isn't it funny that cleaning poo out of a potty, is actually what makes me happy. Life is full of little contradictions like that. Aint it wierd eh?
8 comments:
You know, it sounds to me that you are suffering from depression. Right now I'm reading a book called "Undoing Depression" which a friend gave to me some time ago. I never intended to read it, as I thought I knew all there was to know about depression, but that book has reminded me that a lot of the feelings I have right now (emptiness, worry about the future, a lack of connection to other people, procrastination etc
) are often symptoms of depression. I got diagnosed with depression last year, but I never really took the diagnosis seriously because I was able to function, at least at half capacity. I thought "How can I be depressed if I'm not lying in bed the whole day?" However, that book reminded me that I am probably still depressed. I think I have been since I was about 14!
So, maybe you are depressed, too. I don't think that human beings should feel empty all the time. There's more to life than that, I think.
hi serizy, i think your right about depression, i know im depressed, and what makes it worse is im bloody lazy. i think it started at 14 too, its probably hormonal. maybe i should get your book. Im one of those people who should do lots of things but never bothers because i'm too tired all the time. Its like a massive decision just to go to the shop or not.
i was sat at home last night watching a film, and i thought.. what relation does this film have to my life? absolutely none. They don't make films about staring at walls waiting to get up the next day, being depressed, bored, lazy and lost in a dream world.
im like, er shall i go to the shop? yeah but what happens if there's a queue? oh but i really want a bar of chocolate.. but what if i have to walk past a group of nasty looking kids? i know, i'll wear this so i don't attract attention.. oh, but then im not doing myself justice am i?
what a mess
Hi Fruit Cake, this is Otis the Sweaty.
Hang in there, I know what depression is like, things will get better.
hi otis, thankyou for your support, i can't work you out.
you want to seperate men out from women right? well ok, but..
why do you want to do that,
i think you probably get on better with us than you do with them. Maybe thats your plan?? seperate them out, and then join the female team??
good thinking!
hahaha, yeah, you got me.
No it's just that I like you and have always felt guilty about the way you were treated at antimisandry.
I know it has to hurt to be basically ignored by your own parents, but you have accomplished things and built a family of your own. If your parents don't appreciate you than they don't deserve to have you as a daughter. I say, fuck em'.
And look on the bright side, your parents are a great role model for how you should NOT be to your own kids.
-Otis the Sweaty
AWC Chairman
Whatever your mental health problems, they dont stop you from being able to write some pretty good stuff on here.. Looks like you have an outlet and indeed thats a good thing..
Looking at your recent reapperance on antimis, and your "reputation" on there, I have to say it cant do you much good to be winding up them guys, you know they will get angry and react.. Thats not doing you or anyone anygood?
I am sure by now you are feeling fine, thats life, one day, you feel great, the next, like a poo sandwhich..
drex my sunshine, the only reason i went back there is because i saw them all ganging up on otis so i thought i would offer him my support.
I think otis is mistaken, and doesn't realise that by splitting up the genders, he is cutting of alot of women who would like him, and opening himself up to lots men who will take advantage of him.
Otis has a nice way about him, which to me, is far more important than his ideas. He is vulnerable because of this. Ideas come and go, but the nature of people doesnt normally change.
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